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Ugh, so I was going to talk about setting boundaries today. I’ve been composing it in my head since Sunday, but then I went to my doctor’s appointment. It seems everything I went there for is a-okay. However, my answers to some of her questions alarmed her enough that I got to have an emergency pelvic exam (which she did over her lunch break, people) and I get to go Thursday for an intravaginal ultrasound (the nurse who just called me to confirm the appointment made it sound really unpleasant) and then I go next Tuesday for a biopsy on what appears to a basal cell carcinoma. Which I am assured by all the medical folks I spoke today is no big deal and probably just needs to be removed and I need to be checked to make sure there are no others that need to be removed. Also it appears I might have mucosal vitiligo, which would mean nothing (?? yeah, they said that) except it does put me in a super low risk group for malignant carcionomas, so that’s good.
I was really upset when I got back from the appointment. My mom called after I texted her and she was super anxious and upset about it which seems to have calmed me down. So no big deal, right? If it isn’t malignant, then it’s removed and I have insurance. The ultrasound is for concerns over ovarian cysts which are sucky but also no big deal. And it’s not like I can do anything but wait anyway. Still, SERIOUSLY? Ugh.
I have a doctor appointment tomorrow at lunch. I’m asking about my somewhat persistent abdominal pain (that seems to be either reproductive related or digestive depending on the day), and will probably discuss more drug options in the anxiety/depression (though still not interested in taking these, but maybe will give it one more go) and hoping for hormone, blood sugar and thyroid checks. My periods have always been irregular and I’m not worried about that, but am hoping to talk about the PMS seeming much more painful and horrible in the last year and particularly in the last six months.
While I am there I will investigate the dentistry offices in that building, as I seem to recall there’s a specialist there who does the work I need. I put a reminder in my phone for this.
I recognize that this is small bit for most people’s Monday mornings, but it’s HUGE for me. And I did get through making the appointment just fine, but I almost started crying while setting the reminder for the dentist. Tiny, tiny, tiny steps. Now if I can just make it through today without making myself sick thinking about all of this, that’ll be a huge step.
I had a good, calm weekend. Went to Dandelion’s wedding, had a lovely time, only cried a little. Drank too much. Hawthorn was my date, which worked out lovely until he tried to kiss me good night. In fairness we’d both had a lot to drink and had a good time together, but it was awkward. He actually rather charmingly said, as he was going out the door, “Thanks for kissing me,” like I’d done him a favor by not making it even more awkward than it was.
During the ceremony I said something to him that I don’t remember that caused him to say, “You know I think so highly of you, right?” And in the (not very good) book I read this weekend, I saved out this bit, “To offer someone your love is no small thing. I offered mine to you and you refused.” I have been meditating on both these things unintentionally most of the weekend. I’d say in grander scheme the pain of the break up and the just being friends is getting better all the time, but there’s obvious steps back and wow, I am still really hurt.
I am irritable and whiny and achey today in a way that indicates PMS. If it is this means either the really bad symptoms are stretching out to 10-12 days before my period starts or it’s going to come very early this time around. This? Actually makes me glad to be going to the doctor tomorrow.
This post at io9.com is very interesting. I’ve actually wondered with some regularity (when I don’t have anything else to stress about) what the long term effects of so much cortisol is doing to my body. If we extend the findings of this study to realm of possibility then one assumes it’s damaging my endocrine system and making me more prone to future depression. YAY!
But what’s actually the most interesting here is the comments. Many folks giving the usual “just get over it” and “you can will yourself out of depression, if you were a better person you would have done this already” type comments (although I think many people don’t realize that that is specifically what they are saying). One commenter made an excellent point and I hope I’m breaking too many internet rules by posting it here, but here goes:
“Getting over it” isn’t something that happens over night, once your brain stops knowing how to make ‘happy’ anymore. Its a choice to have discipline similar to being a marathon runner. Every day you have to have focus and choose, again, to do this difficult thing that hurts, on the chance of a really cool payoff long in the future. You work to modify your body, physically, through hours of effort. Taking care of your mental health is what you do, it is your hobby, and it is an activity that takes a similar amount of effort as a full time job, running your own company, training for a marathon, or getting a new degree.
“Get over it” is the equivalent of saying “get your MBA” or “run the Boston Marathon”. Yes, it is something that just about anyone can do and will improve their life. But its not something that is taken on lightly and shouldn’t be given lightly.
There, my friends, is the rub. Or at least the thing I’ve been losing sight of. I do feel better, even though I know I’m not better. And lately I’m guilty of just trying will myself better when I should be asking for help. (Yes, YES, I will call my doctor and make an appointment about the physical things that I have been stressing over and that will probably help a lot.)
It was truly a nice boost to read all the comments on this article and see the folks defending against the “you can just get over it” responses. Made me feel like there are others out there, made me feel supported and gave some excellent insight into how others have dealt anxiety and depression. Sometimes you find a boost in the most unlikely of places.
So I’m reading along in my happy blog list this morning, all the lovely folks who make me laugh and think and I come across this post by The Bloggess (who is generally hilarious and clearly crazy) and I’m nodding and agreeing all the way through it. Especially when she gets to the part about needing to be told that it’s going to be okay. I feel like right now I am really, really lacking in lots of positive it’s going to be okay statements from folks around me (and from my own self). And I find myself in an awkward space where someone does just need to come over and drag me out to do a photoshoot with wigs and fake cigarettes and make me have fun, but depending on how that’s presented and who is doing the presenting, I might be offended, annoyed or even more reticent to socialize.
Here are some of my problems that might or might not benefit from a surfeit of it’s going to be okay:
1. I still feel completely invalidated by the Hawthorn situation. Like if we assume I made all the right choices, or the very best choices I could make given my circumstances and feelings and the information I had at the time, and assuming that he is not cruel, intentionally malicious or out to get me then what? I mean, really, what? That means I’m just here, still feeling completely invalidated, like everyone either thinks I shouldn’t have known better or that he’s a horrible person. I can wind the thread out and say, well I am in a better place now and I couldn’t have gotten to this place with out all the prior events. But, BUT! So? I still feel like I need to be reassured that I did make the only choices possible, that they weren’t bad choices, that I didn’t do anything wrong, or anything to make the situation worse. I don’t know who I am supposed to get this validation from, myself, I guess, but I suppose that doesn’t happen in any way but just letting go and I’m still too hurt to let go.
2. It’s really excellent, so good that I’m no longer in a nearly constant state of hyperoverdrive panic. I can talk myself down or take a pill and generally deal with what’s immediately in front of me. But my social anxiety is still pretty high (though it has been for at least a decade) and I continuously don’t immediately recognize that need downtime when I’ve overextended myself socially. But I also feel like I need validation for this. Like I need to be told that it is okay for me to want to spend evenings at home alone. Like I need affirmation of my legitimate need for alone time. Someone (me?) needs to recognize that I’m not being a bitch, or a hermit, or weird and isolationist, rather I can only deal with, only manage so much, before I need to pull back and regroup. Someone needs to tell me that it’s fine to take as much time as I need, when ever I need it.
3. I often feel weepy and it’s not just teary but like abject misery. Some of it is okay, I think, given everything in the past few years, given the immediate emotional situations I’m still dealing with. I’m certainly still trying to identify and define all it’s sources though and I think some of it might be hormonal. Like not just oops, PMS is making cranky hormonal, but really problematically imbalanced hormonal. I’ve been tracking it against my cycle and it is about 80% worse around ovulation and about 175% worse in the roughly 8 days before my period, and the first 3 of my period. This means, surely, a trip to the doctor, who will tell me (or not) that it’s okay.
4. I can’t go to the doctor or dentist. I’m just so blocked on this that I can’t even pick up the phone to make the appointments. I can’t really articulate what I find so upsetting about this. If it’s possibility that something might be really wrong with me, or some conviction I have that something is wrong and won’t be able to deal with whatever procedure is required to fix it. Or if I’m worried about money. Or if it’s some huge jumble of all of these things. Surely hearing it’s going to be okay from both the doctor and dentist will go a long, long way towards making me feel better. And like actually making me feel better, like with less pain and discomfort. I’ve been trying to reach out to ask people to help me with this, but I guess I’m not persistent enough or making it seem dire enough because I can’t seem to get a stronger response than, “Have you made that call yet? Are you going too?” And I think maybe someone needs to make the calls for me and take management of the appointments in hand for me until I get past this.
And annoyingly much of this comes back to being single. Just not having someone to lean on. Having ‘lost’ 2 romantic partners and my best friend in the last couple years I am left feeling distinctly without someone to lean on. I know this isn’t exactly true, that many friends will pipe up and say are there for me and they want to help, but it really isn’t the same. And I don’t know how to address it exactly, or resolve it. A friend was recently complaining about a car repair place asking if she wanted to leave it for a couple days and she was dumbfounded, why would any one do that? How would they get around? But of course the ‘normal’ assumption is that you have a husband or partner to pick you up or take you around or take up the slack. The world assumes that. Single and independent does have it’s perks but realistically most everything is easier when you have some sort of partner to help you, someone to take care of and to lean on in return when you need it. Someone to tell you it’s going to be okay.
I had a nice full weekend, with lots of friends and lots of love. I feel grateful and overwhelmed.
Winding down on a Sunday night, trying to recenter myself. Time with my friends was really wonderful, but it felt more like a diversion than real life. I need to be a little inwardly focused this week. Increased panic attacks and and my general sense of unease the lat week or needs more meditation still.
I think the (boring, relentless) ongoing sense of no closure of Hawthorn is still weighing on me. Though really, really much less, it is vastly improving day by day. Still I feel like I’m floundering a little, in limbo, waiting to make plans, to look seriously at the future until..? Until, what? I don’t know. Until I get better, until some mystery action happens, until, until, until. It’s surely all part of the process, what ever that is. Or, yeah, since that is what ever I say it is I would really like to get back to feeling grounded so I can say what I think that is.
What was I doing two weeks ago that left me feeling so relaxed and functional? What happened that the last week was so emotionally rough and miserable? Will answering these questions help me move to the next point down the line?
Ugh this had been a really rough week. Very bumpy and up and down. Right now I wish I was asleep, but instead I’m sitting up crying because I didn’t get to do the thing I REALLY wanted to do tonight. And I’m in a loop of feeling worse because I feel like I shouldn’t feel so bad about it.
The short of it is that I agreed weeks ago to cover a restaurant shift tonight that no one else could cover. Hawthorn bought me tickets, as a birthday present to something I really, really wanted to see at the symphony, but neglected to give me advance warning. When he did he only asked about the date, not the event, I declined, as I had an obligation to the person whose shift I agreed to cover. Hawthorn made plans to take someone else, I found out what the tickets were actually for, since there wasn’t a surprise to ruin, since I wasn’t going to get to go. And of course it turned out the restaurant really didn’t need me there at all.
I just feel incredibly disappointed and left out. And things like this just always seem to magnify the whole Hawthorn situation for me. Like partly I’m mad at him because if he hadn’t tried to make it a surprise and had given me advance notice, I would have found a way to go. Plus it just feels like the universe cheated me out of my relationship with him because of the external factors he had/has going on, and missing things like this makes me feel like it’s just one more thing taken away from me. Which is petty and silly. I try so hard to focus on the good things, and I have so many good things, that sometimes I end up feeling worse because I actually feel bad about being upset over something so relatively minor, in the scope of the world.
And I might have been able to let it go if Hawthorn hadn’t felt compelled to text me after and tell me what an amazing show it was. Yeah, fuck you very much.
Plus, it was just a really bad, really stressful day at work all day leading up to the sucktastic evening. And what I really want to do is call Cedar and tell him how upset I am so he will make me feel better, but he’s on vacation and I know he’s having a really good time and I don’t want to mar that. I’d call Violet to console me, but she had an even worse day than I did and I don’t think I could even be a supportive enough friend right now to even interact with her. Which is upsetting because overall I really am feeling so much better, but wow, it doesn’t take much to set me back to not being able to deal at all (although, I’m selling myself short by saying ‘not much’ as it was a VERY stressful day at work).
I think I’m going to call in sick tomorrow and start what is sure to be a good weekend early. Maybe I’ll go to the park and sit and memorize Lorca poems until the storms roll in.
Full blown panic attack, around 11 am this morning (still on-going). Not sure what set it off, but it’s perhaps the first one in two weeks. Which is good over all, but barely able to resist the urge to flee my office right now. Gah.
Update (around 12:30): Email full of happening-right-now vacation photos from Cedar made me feel a little better (how do you not love a guy who sends you pictures he took of himself underwater and then refers to them as ‘Cedar-sea-monster’ pictures?). Trying to choose something for lunch for Hawthorn to pick up and bring me reduced me to tears. Klonopin time. It’s been weeks since I had to take it during the day, but I can’t possibly be any less effective than I am right now.
Update 2 (around 3pm): Klonopin and fried chicken helped immensely. Still feel heart-racey and out of sorts, but calmer and like I’ll live through the day. Canceled movie night in favor of a long walk in the park after work.
I’ve been having some weirdly inappropriate sex dreams lately. Last night I dreamt I was walking with an acquaintance (who is probably 50 to 55) and it seemed like he was hitting on me but I wasn’t sure. We got to the point where we were parting ways and I felt relieved but then my bus left with out me (passed me completely even though I was at the stop, on the curb and waiting) and so I went after this guy, intending to ask him to have sex with me. I caught up with him much later after many shenanigans of changing clothes and calling girlfriends, and when I did find him he was quite drunk and trying to sing karaoke to me. Fortunately I woke up before anything happened, but this probably the third dream I’ve had about having resigning myself to have sex with someone I’m only marginally attracted too who is also an utterly inappropriate partner. Okay, brain, I get it, just having sex with anyone won’t solve my problems, I’ll be selective. Jeez.
Speaking of boys, I have been seriously trying to sort out my feelings on that front. I don’t think I’m ready to tackle a relationship, even a fairly casual one. Still, I’m determined to have sex, as I don’t think it’s fair to be denied that just because I’m single. But then I don’t want to come across as the low self esteem party girl who is up for anything. And I guess it’s harder than one would think to find a guy to just have sex with you. Or not hard at all, but hard to find one who isn’t inappropriate and wouldn’t leave me feeling a little skeezy later.
Additionally I still have my sort of Junior High feeling of boy crazyness. For instance there’s a guy who comes into the bar where I work, often earlier in the evening, by himself, to eat, have a beer and read his book, but he ends up talking to me someone of the time. Lately he’s been coming in more often and I swear I keep catching him looking at me and looking away. Now, most of the guys I know that are my age are married or coupled off, so I generally don’t give them a second glance, but this guy and I recently because Facebook friends and I know that an FB status as ‘single’ doesn’t necessarily mean that, it does mean that he’s not married and bothered to list a relationship status rather than none at all. ANYWAY, he commented on my Facebook last night and suddenly I was all giddy and dorky like I was 13 and exclaiming that he noticed me! Wheee! (Luckily I was home alone so no one had to witness this.) And I feel like this is just a distraction, but definitely a welcome one. If my choices are panicking and thinking too much about bad things I can’t control, focusing and studying meditation and relaxation techniques, or thinking useless giddy thoughts about a cute boy, then I pick #3, you know? And I maintain that this isn’t the need a man to rescue and rule me thing I was bitching about yesterday, this is more like thinking about Domokun chasing kittens in a field. Not serious, just fun.
In that same realm, Cedar and I are still emailing nearly every day, long long emails and it is still very much the high point of my day. His overt bad (and good jokes) make me laugh so much and stay with me all day. I feel like I’m getting the subtle nuances of everything he says as well. I was thinking last night about communication. I think I tried to talk once here about the study where couples that used the same language quirks got along better than those who didn’t. And how I often feel like I have no idea what Hawthorn is talking about, like his references seem so out of left field, or he’s talking in something that seems like it should be shorthand almost code that partner would get that just goes right over my head. But with Cedar it’s like we’re on exactly the same wavelength. Which makes sense since we had similar upbringings in the same location and knew each other when we were much, much younger, in our formative years, as it were. But it isn’t just the language, I feel like he’s taking me really seriously in way no one has in a long time. Like no matter what I talk about, flaky astrology talk, or having prophetic dreams, or my anxiety or whatever, it’s like he weighs and balances each thing and knows when to joke and when not too and seems to regard each part of me as something valuable and worth hearing about. I never feel condescended too or like he doesn’t care about what I’m saying, no matter how personal or how other there whatever I’m going on about is. Indeed he also seems to be full of as many random facts as I am, with some cross over. So if I make an offhand reference to Freya’s Day, I’m treated to a Viking Saga story in return. I am very much much looking forward to the trip he and I are taking in May. I’m still maintaining that there isn’t a romantic thread in what’s happening with he and I, but I suppose I’m not willing to completely discount that yet either. Still every interaction with him leaves me feeling very supported and hoping that I’ve done the same for him. So there’s that. I’m not sure what to do with it.
So I think I’ve been doing a fairly good job, overall, of maintaining my calm, breathing through stressing out and generally keeping it together the past few days. However I made the mistake of watching Eat, Pray, Love and it nearly tipped me over the edge into psychotic rage. With the caveat that I’m sure the book is different/better than the movie (although I never plan to read it) this was such a heap of crap. As far as I can tell the message of this movie is as follows: You are free to do whatever you want in your individual selfish quest for happiness no matter the consequences to anyone who loves you. If/when you find happiness you must chuck it over immediately for a man, because as a woman you will not be truly satisfied until you have a man to take care of you.
Right, I get it that this story was made into a romantic comedy that perhaps the book wasn’t, and that this somewhat follows the horrible trope of so many mainstream romantic comedies, but wow, it was so fucked up. The level of wealthy white privilege was more than even I, white and middle class, could relate too. There was no conflict at all presented in her two initial relationships before she runs off to discover herself. The whole thing came off like bored rich lady who doesn’t like the toys she’s presented with and ascribes some level of spiritual need to her own baby-like grabbing for things she wants. Until finally a man strong enough to rule her shows up and tells her whats he wants, and when she resists another man tells her to make the right choice and choose the boyfriend over herself. Ugh ugh ugh. (Don’t get me wrong, if Javier Bardem shows up and asks me to sail away with him and says he’ll support me forever, I’m going. I’ll just write a post later about how I made the anti-feminist choice. Heh.) Suffice to say, I assumed it would be a cheesy, forgettable film that didn’t align with my worldview and instead it enraged me.
This past week Hawthorn has had some pretty substantial real life drama with his ex-wife. He’s talked to me about it a lot (and then apologized for that, causing me to yell at him because really, despite everything else, we aren’t friends unless we are talking to each other about the real stuff). Now I have very mixed feelings about his ex-wife. If she hadn’t divorced him, my life would probably have taken a very, very different course, both for good and bad. I surely wouldn’t have him now as the friend he is and the friend he will become if she’d done differently. And I can, rightly I think, attribute some of my suffering to the ripple caused by her actions, though I do own my own responses to that suffering. Here’s the thing though, I can not see her as anything but insanely selfish and somewhat stupid. She has put her ex-husband and son through the emotional ringer, she has financially completely destroyed all of them and she blithely seems to think everything is okay and will be okay, except when occasionally forced to face how fucked up everything is and how she is the ONLY one benefiting from her actions, and indeed isn’t even noticing how much her actions affect other people.
Much like that character in Eat, Pray, Love, she took a situation that was better than what 99% of the people in world have and decided to fuck over everyone around her in pursuit of her selfish, individual happiness. Now I’m not saying we don’t all deserve to be happy, but I really believe that there has to be a point where we say, “this is satisfactory, I can work with this,” because the chances that we will end up eternally happy without anything bad entering our lives is much less than winning the jackpot in the lottery. It goes back to that balance thing I’ve been talking about, just happy, just happy, just happy all the time isn’t balance, and seeking that, in my opinion, is just greedy.
I’ve been breathing deeply and trying to let go of how angry this all makes me. To recognize that it is a lesson for me in what not to do. I want to be calm and peaceful enough to sit and watch the cherry blossom petals fall and be blissful in that moment of how beautiful the world can be. I want the frantic feelings to stay at bay long enough that I always notice the sunrise and what color the sky is. But I want to live practically and in the world in such a way that I am careful and cautious of how my actions affect the world and the people around me. I want people to perceive me as calm and kind, as open-hearted enough to be trusted with whatever they are feeling. I want to make sure that my actions are never so careless that they can be perceived as cruel, inconsiderate or negligent to the needs of both myself and the world around me. I would like to make less demands on the world in general and hope the world has few demands of me in return. When I choose solitude I want it to be recognized as part and parcel of who I am as person, and not a rejection of the world or the people I love.
I want to notice the ripples of every rock I drop in the pond. I hope I will have thought of the effects of those ripples before I let the rock fall.
Some positive spin on Mercury Retrograde. To sum up her long article: “Which makes the truth of the Mercury retrograde matter really quite simple: the trivial frustrations we’re forced to deal with when concealed information comes to our attention always pale in comparison to the intellectual power that becomes available to us whenever it does. Always. ” So I will take that as part of my current meditations being timely and run with it.
Last night as I was falling asleep, I imagined that I was a potted plant. Left too long in a too small pot, my roots became bound, knotted and crushed. Watered both too often and too little at varying times, my leaves flourished and withered, grew stunted and strange. I was unceremoniously yanked from that pot, with no thought to the injury of my leaves, crushed and broken by gripping hands, no thought to the tearing and breaking of my roots as they stuck to the sides of the old pot. Eventually I was replanted in a larger, perhaps too large, pot, filled with good, organically rich soil, but yet still watered too much or too little by varying turns and left in burning sunlight and dark corners at random intervals. Eventually I found myself where I am now: strong enough to bear the elements, water and light, whether too much or too little and only just discovering that I can start reaching my roots out in to better, more nutrient soil. Only just now realizing what that will mean to the growth and spread of my leaves.
This morning I’ve been thinking too much and I think it’s fair to say that, that as we creep up on May, I have cried every day for two years now. For every day that I haven’t cried, there’s been another day that I’ve cried twice. I’m letting all of that go. Over 700 days, it’s hard to imagine what even kicked off each of those teary instances. Each one floats away like cherry petals on the wind today.
Here are some more timely bits for my current meditations: Tiny Wisdom on Suffering and On Letting Go of a Relationship. I think I have been doing mostly the right things with my recent choices, but perhaps working so hard to hold onto my friendship with Hawthorn has made it harder to let the relationship part go. I suppose I do need to sit down with him and make sure he knows how I feel in a way that satisfies me, and let him have his say, even if I know it will hurt.
Also my Breszny-scope this week:
Taurus Horoscope for week of April 7, 2011
The hydrochloric acid in our digestive system is so corrosive it can dissolve a nail. In other words, you contain within you the power to dematerialize solid metal. Why is it so hard, then, for you to conceive of the possibility that you can vaporize a painful memory or bad habit or fearful fantasy? I say you can do just that, Taurus — especially at this moment, when your capacity for creative destruction is at a peak. Try this meditation: Imagine that the memory or habit or fantasy you want to kill off is a nail. Then picture yourself dropping the nail into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Come back every day and revisit this vision, watching the nail gradually dissolve.
This week I am going to actively work on embracing my Vipassanā meditation and related studies instead of just paying them much lip service. I’ve got books to read and guided meditations (for newbies) to get myself back into it and start centering myself again. At the risk of over structuring myself in the near future I am going to make a point to leave open time that will ideally be either reading or sewing, both activities that pull me out of myself and leave me feeling better. I am not rushing it, but also working setting in motion finding a martial arts teacher as well.
I realized this morning, when sort of half awake, that I haven’t taken Klonopin more than once a week since, well, since I started feeling stuck and like I wasn’t getting better. Which is to say that I suspect the Klonopin was going a long way towards making me feel better. As always with any drugs, I’m on the fence with this. I have no real fear of dependence on it, if I need it, I need it. And, really, I’m not sure why I haven’t been taking it, except perhaps I don’t need it right now? Still I’m sure that’s a big part of how overwhelmed I’ve been feeling by my emotions, since they aren’t currently being blocked or blanketed in the way they were in the many weeks following the break up. This isn’t going to stop me taking it when I think I need it, but I guess I have unintentionally become more selective about how I use it. I’m certain this is a good thing.
I was thinking last night about Letting Things Go, and what some of those things are. I feel like when you look at my last three or four years and the number of friends and lovers that have passed from my life, at the amount of actual trauma I’ve been through, at the lack of support I’ve had (though much more from my lack of expressing need for it, than lack of people to offer it) it feels like a miracle that I’m still here functioning as well as I am. But I want to take all of those things and push them away into the past. I can not be convinced that many of them even need “dealing with” to push them back. I just want to release them all, let it go and keep moving forward into whatever comes next. I am tired of, exhausted by, carrying all of those things. I am just going to set them down, right here, by the side of the road. I will hold on to the still precious pieces that I feel like still need some care before they are set free (Hawthorn, my teeth, a few other small bits) and just keep moving on until I get to the place where I can set those things down as well. Forward, one foot in front of the other, with already a lighter load and knowledge of increasing lightness in my future.
I had a great visit with my cousins. It was fun to get out and do touristy Nashville things again. It was really fun to get to hang out with them. I talked A LOT. I talked a lot about me. I was roughly 16 when they were born and so it’s only recently that we’ve been close enough age to really socialize, so I told them a lot about myself at their ages and things I’ve done with my life. It was an interesting exercise to review and remember how many awesome things I’ve done (especially from their roughly 23yo perspectives). It was sort of a confidence building experiment for me.
There was a lot of anxiety in the visit for me as well. It’s hard to have house guests. I worry too much over things I can’t control, even things that shouldn’t be worrisome. Plus there were huge storms and tornadoes here during their visit so some of my worry wasn’t even unnecessary.
I’m still very much struggling with how to find the balance I need to continue to get better. I feel so much better than I did four months ago, but recognize how much further I still have to go.
I’ve been meditating a little on this post from Tiny Buddha. I find I feel like I’m still missing some piece of where my anxiety is coming from. I wonder, perhaps, if too much of my attention on it has been focused outward, on the robbery and the dental troubles and the break-ups. I haven’t been looking at the internal stuff, much of which I think is the same as the article author’s: high insecurity and excessive need for validation, plus a hard time recognizing who I am, rather than who I was, and no clue who I want to become.
Despite the joy and love and fun I’ve had for the past few days, it’s also been excessively weepy for me as well. I can’t say if just emotions feel heightened in general, or if it’s backwards motion in my quest to feel better, or if it’s simply ongoing hormonal yuck with the heavy period I’ve been having. Or some combination of all of those.
I’ve been feeling the lack of closure with Hawthorn. I can’t decide if it would be easier if I didn’t have to see him every day or if I stopped socializing with him. I keep wavering on just pushing through, because eventually I have to come out the other side of this, or asking to step back, and taking as much of a break from him as I can manage. But I do have to work with him and I do like him, and honestly I think it’s easier to push through and do the things I want with him and bear the parts that are less easy. This morning he brought up having the port-mortem relationship talk because of an interaction we had yesterday (he was asking about an album he wanted and I gave it to him, but pointed that having listened to it every day for a month after our break up that the sound of the album was the shape of my broken heart) and still I’m not sure I’m ready to have that conversation. Or maybe I’ll just feel better if I just get it done with.
I have really be reaching to socialize with people I see less often and get just get out and see people. It’s been hard too, as people do disappoint and worry that my expectations are too high. But then it seems sadder to expect less of people. I have lots of visitors and parties in the next 45 days and much of my own traveling after that. I am going to make a concerted effort to spend the next 10 or so days being a little more introspective about my own anxiety and what I think I need to do to keep healing.
Blue Star Chickadee 