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I just watched A Walk on the Moon.  Man, I do not know why this movie gets me s much.  I’ve probably watched it 7 or 8 times since it came out.  It just kills me, I don’t know why.  I’m so sympathetic to EVERYONE in the movie, I love both the guys and Diane Lane just does an amazing job.  I don’t know, there’s just something so summer time and perfect and sad and happy and just good.  Also the waterfall scene is like the dark chocolate that you save and just have a little of when you want to make a special occasion out of of something.

I thought it would make me too sad to watch it again, but it was just perfect.

Earlier in the day I watched another movie that was okay (Pretty Ugly People) although fairly sizeist and weird, but really sad and moving at the end and I was writing a blog post elsewhere about a  friend that died a few years ago and I just cried my damn eyes out.  It was kind of nice though, I mean I just felt sad, missed my friend, felt a little regret about my youth and done.  Sort f autumn-y and melancholy, not at all the abject misery and suffering that all my crying seemed to have after Hawthorn (much of which wasn’t exactly about Hawthorn but it’s all tied together, you know?).  It’s nice to feel just kind of normal sad.

I’m in so much of a better place than I was even a month ago. Things are perfect, maybe not even great, but they feel even and bearable for the first time in a very, very long time.  I want to keep moving forward, positive change and growth and all that, but it feels nice to be right here, to be even keeled and neutral for a minute.  Like I’ve reached a point where I can make good decisions again, or at least make a plan.  Maybe now I can devote energy to building something instead of spending all my time crawling out of the hole I’ve been in.

I’m still feeling so much frustration around Hawthorn.  I am finally really beginning to clarify what I’m feeling and what I need to really be able to let it go, but I’m still not there yet.

Recently he’s been once again pushing at the boundaries I set about our interactions.  This forces me to think about him much more than what I want too (what I want is none, which is impossible since we work together, so I’m trying to keep it into reasonable, polite, work limits and no social interaction outside that).

I feel like he got his way in every single step of our relationship.  He insinuated himself into my life and pushed and pushed until I’d broken up with Oak, changed all my future plans, disappointed my family and moved in with Hawthorn.  I take responsibility for my choices in this, partly because at the time they seemed like really good choices. But once I’d uprooted everything, let go of the past and changed the entire course of my life for him, he broke up with me and caused me to have to uproot my entire new life and start all over again. And finally he insinuated himself as a friend  into my new again life, so that he was still part of my every day and the bulk of my life still centered around plans with him and thinking about him and being involved with him every way but sexually.

So I cut those ties and have been doing my very best to move on.  To do this my way, to have the interactions I want.  And, to some extent, to specifically make it not what he wants because he simply can’t always have it his way in relation t me.  Especially since he’s never acknowledged or apologized for how much damage he really did to my life in the last two years.

Fast forward to now and he’s pushing the boundaries of interaction again, once again forcing me to think about him when I don’t want to, to deal with him when I shouldn’t have too.  I was complaining about this to my girlfriends this morning and one said, “It’s like he keeps on doing to you what he did all along – demanding that you do it his way. 😦 Ugh. You have been very clear with him. I don’t understand why he keeps violating your boundaries.”  Which is how I’ve been thinking about it all along–why does he have to keep trying to have it his way?  He can’t always have it his way!  But my other friend finally clarified it for me in her response, “[Why does he have to keep pushing your boundaries?] To alleviate his own guilt. If he can be friends and show it’s all good, he won’t have to feel guilty. He just doesn’t get that by pushing he’s making it worse. He just wants you and the world (but mostly his conscience) to know he wasn’t really the bad guy.”

Which is exactly right.  And the fact is, he is the bad guy in this scenario.  He hurt me and no amount of pal-ing around can fix that.  Time, space and heartfelt apologies and acknowledgement of what he did can fix that and he hasn’t given me any of that.

So now I have to decide, having made it this far in discovering what’s still bothering me about this whole situation, do I approach him again and try and hash out the final details, what I need him to know, or do I just let it go?

Tomorrow I leave on a week long vacation.  Two vacations, really.  One more busy, businessy, with family and some friends and one, shorter, alone in a city I’ve never been to before.  The kind of trip I used to take all the time before the events of recent years seem to have diminished my spirit and filled me with fear.  I am nervous, but reasonably so, more concerned with cancelled flights and travel problems than with being alone, traveling alone or going into the unknown.  This is perhaps the biggest indication of how far away I am from the person I was at the beginning of this year.

I am trying to resist the urge to reach out to Hawthorn and tell him how much I miss him.  Because truthfully, while I do miss him, my motive is t make him him feel bad and it’s a terrible and petty impulse.  I’m moving on better than I’d imagined.  I believe there was magic the ceremony I performed the other night, or perhaps just simple power of ritual.  I’ve felt so much better since then.  The sadness, the loneliness, the sense of abandonment and bad decisions and everything else from the relationship is still there, still be dealt with a processed but it just doesn’t bite like it did.  As if it is merely a dull ache now, rather than a stabbing pain.  Now I fight with myself to be a better person, to not give into the impulse to try and make him feel bad.  I’m angry now, I feel maltreated, by Hawthorn, by myself, by circumstances beyond either of our control.  I want apologies and I want some acknowledgement of how hard it’s been for me, how much I’ve been wronged.  I’m not sure I’ll get it. And I’ll have to learn to accept that.  Hopefully I’ll get there without stooping to petty tactics meant only to incite.

I have vacation before me, days of new experiences.  Time to reflect and much time to busy to even think about my problems.  A week outside my head, outside my life and outside my problems.  And when I return home, Hawthorn will be gone on his own vacation, leaving me a week to adjust to life without him, to not even having to see him at work, to settle myself back into being myself and ready to deal with whatever is coming next in my life.

I had a long drive this weekend (lots of time to think) and an excellent visit with Wisteria. She (probably unknowingly) made me feel much better and much more normal about how I’ve been feeling in relation to Hawthorn (in as much as it hasn’t been that long and it’s okay to still be working through the break up especially with dealing with him every day).  I do, after the long meditative drive, feel as if I am really ready to step into the next part of my life, even if it’s struggle.  Tonight I am going to do a smudging ritual and ceremony for finding myself again.  Something symbolic for moving forward and shaking off the negativity of the past.

Little time for writing today, but here’s the email I sent Cedar last night about my weekend:

I spent a third of my weekend in the car going to and from the mountains, a third of it having the strangest dreams, and a third of it gasping for breath while one of my closest friends and I tried to fit in every word about everything we’ve been thinking and doing recently.  I’m not sure I feel reborn yet, but the cobwebs they are brushed away from the windows and the light is streaming in and maybe it’s time to start cleaning everything else.

I told [Hawthorn] on Thursday, in no uncertain terms, that our relationship is friendly, but work only.  I took him off Facebook and every other place that I might accidentally ‘see’ him and get upset. I asked him not to contact me outside work hours unless it was a genuine emergency until such a time as I decide I want it otherwise.  I told the terms of this agreement to [Juniper], the owner of [workplace], to [Wisteria] the friend I visited this weekend, and to everyone who reads my Facebook.  I have cried so much this week and I just can’t do it anymore. I have to move on and I don’t even like the thing I’m hanging on to. [Juniper] said out loud what I have long thought, that [Hawthorn] has been entirely selfish in every interaction we’ve had, that he’s completely had his way, had everything he wanted in every stage of our relationship.  And it isn’t fair and I don’t want it any more.  I want it my way, period. [Wisteria] pointed out that it hasn’t even been a year since we broke up and I’ve had to see him every single day so how could I let go? And so I haven’t.  But you know, the sex wasn’t even that good, he often left me feeling like he wasn’t listening even when what I was saying important, and he never respected the boundaries I tried to set.  He did set a good example on a lot of fronts and left me with a list a good traits that the next one should have.  But he isn’t good enough for me and he was nice enough to me but he never treated me like I was the greatest, smartest, most beautiful strongest and most valuable thing he had and I don’t think I can settle for any less than that.

For the last three years I have felt so stuck and lost.  Like some crucial spark, some extra piece that is what makes me special has been missing. Like everyone recognizes the awesome outer shell but I have to hide that what ever was supposed to be inside is missing. I have good friends, close ones, forever ones and yet I’ve still felt isolated, somehow on the outside of my own life.  I’ve lost sight of my plans for the future, of the things I do best and of this awesome 16 year old girl I used used to be, who I’ve always kept in my heart and checked in with to make sure I was straying too far from the right path.

I’m not blaming myself for any of this, I’m not carrying the weight of it any more.  I’m just releasing all of it and moving forward.  I’m not even looking for who I used to be, just going forward into who I am going to be.  I’m terrified and exhausted from carrying the weight of the past, but I’m just rushing headlong into it.

You have been a strong, bright light for me.  Somehow you manage to make me feel completely at ease no matter what.  You are the best part of every one of my days that you touch. I don’t know that I can express my appreciation of every word you write me.  So thank you for that.

I don’t know what happens now.  I’ve driven hours and sat down immediately write this, so now I’m gonna eat, shower, and go to bed.  And find out what happens tomorrow.  I hope there’s a wink of your bright light in many of my future days.

I hope I can hold on to as positive as I’m feeling about this today for a while.  I’m going to conscript Dandelion into a once a week activity with me.  I’ve already expressed to a group of friends my need for more contact.  I am ready to go back to living my own life, by myself, on my own terms.


Paraphrased from something meaningful, but badly written I found around the net: Because when you have passion with a person, you create attraction, which is learned. The longer you spend time together in an affectionate way, the more you reinforce those emotions.

And because I’ve reached (finally?) the Jawbreaker-lyrics-are-so-meaningful-and-pertinent stage of the break up, from ‘Jet Black’: This is the cure, same as the symptom.  In which the symptom is Hawthorn leaving me, and the cure is leaving him.

No more “I wish I could quit you” moments.  I’ve set boundaries with Hawthorn (again), this time making him invisible from my social networks and asking him to not contact me outside work.  I’ve said that a casual lunch is fine on work day and we can talk about every day things, but that I’d like to do our best to remove all person closeness, intimacy and socialization outside of work from our current relationship.  I feel like I’m mourning this all over again for billionth time but I feel better about it.  I’m working on some sort of ritual removal of him from my life.  I don’t have letters to burn or anything but I’m discarding hundreds of saved emails, I’m deleting saved links of things to share with him and doing my best to engage myself with my friends so I have less time to wallow in my own head.  Wish me luck, it feels like jumping off a cliff.  But into a pool of cool water and not an endless crevasse.

Jet Black by Jawbreaker:

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There isn’t much more lonely than being sick when you live alone.  Ugh.  I mean I’m sweaty and nasty and not fit for company, but still I wish there was someone who’d bring me water and  make me soup and feel sorry for me.  Bleh.

I went on my first date since Hawthorn and I broke up last night.  It was fine.  I mean it wasn’t unpleasant or bad or anything.  I didn’t suffer in any way during it.  But he held no real attraction for me and after the fact I liked him less and less the more I thought about it. It felt like there was some small measure of meanness inside him, buried under a façade of jollity.  And he kept interrupting me, like I don’t think I finished more than half the stories I told before he jumped in to tell something.  But it’s out of the way, it’s done, and I guess it’s a step in moving on.

And I think while talking about the date in advance I articulated where I am at with Hawthorn right now.  I think I won’t feel better until he tells me he made terrible, terrible mistake by leaving me and then we can shake hands and agree that it’s best this way anyhow.  I just want him to feel at least a little of the loss I feel.  And no, I don’t think he’ll ever say that.  I did point out recently to him that all the things I said about his choices and what he should be doing with his life and how we should have approached our relationship, things I said two years ago that all turned out to be true and I got very heartfelt, ‘you were right and I was wrong,’ so that was nice.  He’s apologized for essentially taking me down with him when he wasn’t being aware enough about what he needed in life to recover from his own divorce.  He’s apologized for not taking my counsel on that topic when I offered it.  But I’m still not sure he knows just how much he hurt me and I’m pretty sure I won’t completely forgive him until he says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he shouldn’t have let me get away.  Which he will surely never do.

Today’s answer is to the question: What if I didn’t have to apologize?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for being so hurt, so vulnerable, so open to love and so lost without it.  What if I didn’t have to apologize for needing so much time to myself, so much time to recover, so much space to heal?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for taking so long to find my place in a world I never expected to be in?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for being who I am?

If I made a mistake in all of this it was being to open to the possibilities of this world, of being too caring, too willing to give and receive love.  I will not apologize for my mistakes here anymore.  I will try and try to learn and grow and to still be that person, to be open to the possibilities the world offers, the good possibilities, even if the end result means another mistake to not be apologized for.

Here are some more timely bits for my current meditations: Tiny Wisdom on Suffering and On Letting Go of a Relationship.  I think I have been doing mostly the right things with my recent choices, but perhaps working so hard to hold onto my friendship with Hawthorn has made it harder to let the relationship part go.  I suppose I do need to sit down with him and make sure he knows how I feel in a way that satisfies me, and let him have his say, even if I know it will hurt.

Also my Breszny-scope this week:

Taurus Horoscope for week of April 7, 2011
The hydrochloric acid in our digestive system is so corrosive it can dissolve a nail. In other words, you contain within you the power to dematerialize solid metal. Why is it so hard, then, for you to conceive of the possibility that you can vaporize a painful memory or bad habit or fearful fantasy? I say you can do just that, Taurus — especially at this moment, when your capacity for creative destruction is at a peak. Try this meditation: Imagine that the memory or habit or fantasy you want to kill off is a nail. Then picture yourself dropping the nail into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Come back every day and revisit this vision, watching the nail gradually dissolve.

This week I am going to actively work on embracing my Vipassanā meditation and related studies instead of just paying them much lip service.  I’ve got books to read and guided meditations (for newbies) to get myself back into it and start centering myself again.  At the risk of over structuring myself in the near future I am going to make a point to leave open time that will ideally be either reading or sewing, both activities that pull me out of myself and leave me feeling better.  I am not rushing it, but also working setting in motion finding a martial arts teacher as well.

I realized this morning, when sort of half awake, that I haven’t taken Klonopin more than once a week since, well, since I started feeling stuck and like I wasn’t getting better.  Which is to say that I suspect the Klonopin was going a long way towards making me feel better.  As always with any drugs, I’m on the fence with this.  I have no real fear of dependence on it, if I need it, I need it. And, really, I’m not sure why I haven’t been taking it, except perhaps I don’t need it right now? Still I’m sure that’s a big part of how overwhelmed I’ve been feeling by my emotions, since they aren’t currently being blocked or blanketed in the way they were in the many weeks following the break up.  This isn’t going to stop me taking it when I think I need it, but I guess I have unintentionally become more selective about how I use it.  I’m certain this is a good thing.

I was thinking last night about Letting Things Go, and what some of those things are.  I feel like when you look at my last three or four years and the number of friends and lovers that have passed from my life, at the amount of actual trauma I’ve been through, at the lack of support I’ve had (though much more from my lack of expressing need for it, than lack of people to offer it) it feels like a miracle that I’m still here functioning as well as I am.  But I want to take all of those things and push them away into the past.  I can not be convinced that many of them even need “dealing with” to push them back.  I just want to release them all, let it go and keep moving forward into whatever comes next.  I am tired of, exhausted by, carrying all of those things.  I am just going to set them down, right here, by the side of the road.  I will hold on to the still precious pieces that I feel like still need some care before they are set free (Hawthorn, my teeth, a few other small bits) and just keep moving on until I get to the place where I can set those things down as well.  Forward, one foot in front of the other, with already a lighter load and knowledge of increasing lightness in my future.