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I feel wobbly, nauseous and gross this morning.  I’m 90% sure it’s the Skelaxin, so no muscle relaxants for me.  Sad.  Will call my doctor today and update her.  Was an hour late for work because I feel like I only slept for about 3 hours and was too wobbly to drive earlier.  Yuck.

So for a long time I’ve been struggling with this idea that I need someone to take care of me. The very concept is anti-feminist, anti-my generation, anti-my own identity.  Of the endless loops in my head, “I wish someone would take care of me” is among the top three. And maybe it isn’t so hard to accept if I can really pin down what being taken care of means to me.  This morning it would mean driving me to work, picking me up later and possibly holding my hair back while I barf.  Most days it would be about supporting me in my crazy endeavors, about showing an interest in what I’m creating, about cooking for me, making sure I eat and just sort of paying enough attention to know when I need extra care and affection even if I’m not asking for it.  Maybe that’s a tall order, but it doesn’t seem like it should be.

From an email from my mom yesterday:

When you told me about [breaking up with Oak], you cited  how he wasn’t psychically supporting you in what you’d been going through.  And you said that what [Hawthorn] was doing was offering you comfort and support…which I don’t think anyone has done a good job of offering and carrying through for you. That’s likely a consequence of looking more together than anyone else around.

I have so much to say about this, I don’t even know where to start.  I guess it’s what bothers me about Hawthorn’s change of heart. I really had hoped I’d found someone to support and care for me.  And I feel really betrayed that that’s been ripped away from me.

Honestly I doubt it would have worked out between Hawthorn and I no matter what.  And weirdly I don’t really care why.  I mean I could make a list of reasons but I don’t care too.  This is weird because ever since I broke with Oak I’ve been telling myself stories over and over and over and over all the ways it would eventually have gone wrong between us anyway.  How it never would have have worked.  Every possible scenario that would have somehow broken down our relationship.  Every excuse possible to make it okay to have ended it.

And it is true that I didn’t feel like Oak was emotionally supporting me, it’s also true that I never asked him.  I always presented a front to him of being together, in control and in charge.  I never said I was scared and needed comfort, I never asked him for help of any kind. I told him it was okay to go when I wanted to ask him to stay.  I told him I was fine when I wasn’t and then I got hurt when he didn’t notice how much I needed him.

Perhaps all of this goes back to not being able to get my words out when I need to.  Maybe part of it isn’t valuing myself enough to think I deserve help?  I don’t know, I don’t even really think so.  I think maybe it’s more about being afraid of what people will think of me.  And I am no where near being able to start with what my problem is there.

The increasing anxiety and bizarreness of the past year has often left me wishing to be rescued rather than simply taken care of.  And maybe Hawthorn rescued me and is releasing me now.  But I do know for sure that I need to be taken care of. And I know that can mean whatever I want it to.  And I am going to learn how to ask for it because anything else is far too lonely to contemplate.

And, oh, Brezny-scope, I love you so:

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning January 20
Copyright 2011 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I find many of you Tauruses to be excessively self-effacing. It’s a trait that can be both endearing and maddening. Even as my heart melts in the presence of Bulls who are underestimating their own beauty, I may also feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and shaking some confidence into them, barraging them with frustrated exhortations like “Believe in yourself as much as I believe in you, for God’s sake!” But I’m guessing I won’t be tempted to do that anytime soon. You appear to be due for a big influx of self-esteem.

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Yesterday as I drove to work the news on the radio was grating as it usually is so I randomly punched a button and got the college station playing Eastern Orthodox liturgical hymns in Russian. It was so surreal and unexpected that it seemed like a sign of something. It was also incredibly calming so I searched out the station website to find out what was playing. Of course there was a playlist for every episode of that particular show, except for today. I guess it will remain a mystery. Though I might go through some of the back playlists and try and find some of the pieces. I could use some sacred calls to God right now even if, no especially if, I can’t really understand them.

Work was work, in it’s long, boring, but excellent source of escapism kind of way. I came home through icy streets and took a long, long shower. When I got out, Hawthorn was home. We talked about our days. We had a long conversation about my new medications and side effects and how I was feeling.  And then he took a deep breath and said, “I’m just not sure I can sustain a long term relationship. I’m not sure how serious I can be about us.” Yeah, you fucker, I know, you keep telling me. So I said, “Can it. Just take a deep breath and let it go.” He tried to reiterate that he loved me and it wasn’t me &c. but I cut him off and said, “Seriously, take a deep breath and let it the fuck go. I don’t even care enough about this right now to talk about it.”

And you know, I don’t. I mean I do care. I want to work it out. I want everyone to have space to breathe and regroup and revisit it all in the future, but oh my fucking good goddamned hell, I can not keep having the same fucking conversation about it. I have been telling him since the beginning that the pressure for long term, consolidated, expressly planned relationship is all in his head. He acknowledges that I have never pressured him, nor even brought the subject up. He asked me to move in with him. You could go so far as to say he pressured me, or perhaps just badgered me until I said yes. And now, 11 months after he started seriously courting me, he’s just not interested in following through? Fucking fucking fuck. I still feel it would unfair of me to scream, “I gave up my whole life plan for you, you fucking selfish asshole.” Since I do want to own my choices and I made the choice to be here. However, I can safely say that I didn’t necessarily make it in my right mind, and I won’t go so far as to say I’m being punished for that because I don’t think the universe is vindictive, but enough already. At least this time I can hopefully dig myself out of one hole before I fall right into the next one.

I actually feel good about being that angry about the whole thing. I mean, I still need to get him on the train about how right now is about me and unless he’s expressly going to talk to someone (else) about his crap then I am not interested. Because I tell you what, I certainly am not getting better listening to his fucking midlife crisis.

All that said, my current plan is to stay here, in this house, in my own room, with my own things, through April. I will at that point assume plenty of student and musician vacancies and try and find something for myself. I have support in the interim. I know if it gets really bad, some friends have a guest house up the street they will certainly let me use. But really I just need some time to get the rest of me together, I do not want to move right now. And if that means shutting Hawthorn down every time he tries to put his unnecessary worrying on me, then I’ll do it for the sake of cheap rent and at least not feeling isolated and alone. I really do not want to live by myself right now, it doesn’t feel at all safe. And while the entire Hawthorn situation has a bunch of emotional baggage that goes with it, I’d really rather be here.  I’ll take his bullshit, since it comes with genuine hugs and many very solicitous gestures (surely born of guilt).

I don’t know what will be different next week, but I just keep repeating to myself that I need to get through this week. Like that is a big enough goal for me. I think I’m going to take some sick time Friday afternoon so I don’t have to go back to work after my therapy appointment. Saturday I’m hopefully going walking with good friend, Violet, so I can fill her in on all of this and feel like I have allies in this city too (my reasons for being less open with her about this are mostly because I kind of can’t stand sympathy, so I really needed enough distance to be able to deal with people reactions).

Last night I got a decent night’s sleep and as always when that happens, everything seems much less dire today.  Also I seem to be tolerating the Lexapro much better than the Zoloft.  Less stomach ick and dizziness and all.  I’ve decided to hold off on the muscle relaxants for 3 or 4 days until I’m sure of how the other drugs are making me feel.  Although I really, really am looking forward to not having the muscles in my shoulders feel like they are made of metal.

This morning I accidentally found listings for hotels for sale in Spain, so I will pepper my workday with fantasies of being a hotelier in the Pyrenees.

How much better would life be if this was the path you walked home from work?

There is some drama going on between the members of my family.  I have always been the peacemaker in such situations, which I find exhausting and unsatisfying.  In this instance, I’m supporting my sister, Dahlia, and trying to otherwise the whole thing, as I just can’t deal with it right now. However I find I am calling and writing to Oak to vent.  In my defense, he knows my family better than Hawthorn does and has more direct experience with the specific problems happening here at home.  However, I recognize that I need to spend some time seriously meditating on why exactly it is that I want to run to Oak to talk.

For a very long time Oak was the thing I wanted most in the world.  Even when we were together he seemed like something distant to strive for, something to long for.  He’s since told me that he thought we’d be married one day.  I don’t know if he never expressed that in a way I understood while were together or if I simply was too insecure to imagine that he wanted me in the way I wanted him.

I’m not sure I can ever measure how much I’ve lost in the past year.  Lost time, money, energy, friends, peace of mind.  But I wonder if losing Oak isn’t the worst part of it all. And maybe it’s worse that it seems that I didn’t lose him so much as never realize that I had him in the first place.  That I thought I was cutting my losses when I was possibly sacrificing my future happiness for the need for immediate security.

And Hawthorn who I was so sure of, so ready to settle in to a secure place with, turned out to be something else entirely. Now the security I gave everything up for is gone and I can’t do anything but move forward, try and get better.  It’s so hard not to dwell on what could have been.  I hope I can shake this off as I start to feel better.

The loss of love by Leslie Brown

I wish I better understood exactly what is going on with Hawthorn.  He treats me kindly, kisses me in greeting, rubs my shoulders when I hurt, holds my hand, offers comfort when I ask. But when I press him on what is happening in his head I can’t even figure out what he’s talking about.  Yesterday he started crying in a restaurant at lunch. Because he’s afraid of… I don’t know what exactly.  Not being able to do what ever he wants, when ever he wants, maybe?  Something about having to plan everything months in advance and checking in with someone. And wanting to move to New Orleans. Maybe, except he hasn’t been there in 10 years, so he’s not sure if he’d want to live there.  Or he’s upset because he can’t just go to a concert when he wants or something.  Except he can.  And when I point that out to him he says it isn’t that it’s, well, who fucking knows.  Perhaps it is extreme mid-life crisis or something.  I suggested therapy to him.  I mean he can’t articulate to me what it is that’s driving him to break up with me.  He doesn’t have a plan.  He doesn’t know what he wants, except something else. I think because somehow in his mind, having a relationship with me is exactly like his previous relationship.  Even though it isn’t.  At all.  Which he acknowledges when I point it out to him, but somehow he can’t stop thinking of it that way. Or maybe I’m getting it all wrong and something elese is going down but I can’t trouble out what it is.

And I feel like I am swallowing so many of the things I want to say to him.  I mean, yes, I made my own choices, but wow did Hawthorn push and prod and cajole me into being here, with him. And now he doesn’t want me?  Because he’s afraid it’ll be like a relationship he had with someone else? And hey every time I asked for space or tried to set a boundary he acted like I was shutting him out, like I was somehow wrong for not wanting exactly what he wanted in that second. And now he needs the space I’ve been giving all along, that he previously wasn’t looking for and it still isn’t enough.  Plus I just feel kind of more crazy for not even really understanding what’s going on.  It kind of makes me want to scream, fuck you fuck you fuck you, and smash things.

Last night was a bad night.  I can’t tell how much of it was me just freaking out and how much was the Zoloft. It seems like maybe with the Zoloft, I’m fine for about 2 hours after I take it, then there’s a period of about 3 to 5 hours where I feel dizzy-ish, sort of cross eyed or unable to focus and a little shaky and queasy.  The Klonopin seems to allay this a little but I don’t want to rely on that.  I think I’m going to start taking the Zoloft before bed instead of mid-morning.

Ugh, thanks, horoscope, I get it:

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What confusing commotion would you like to walk away from and never come back to? What lessons have you learned so well that you’re overdue to graduate from them? What long-term healing process would you like to finish up so you can finally get started on the building phase that your healing will give you the power to carry out? These are excellent questions to ask yourself as you plan your life in the next six months.

And thanks, Lifehacker, where were you 8 months ago with this plan?

Tomorrow I fly home for the weekend to see my family and, subsequently, tell them everything that’s been going on.  This is really hard for me.  A little bit because I feel like a messed up, broken failure, but mostly because I don’t like to upset my mom or make her worry.  It makes me feel even more awful.  Plus, honestly, a good part of why I don’t talk to anybody about stuff like this is that I don’t want anyone’s sympathy.  It makes me feel weird and kind of yucky.  And this also gives my parents another opportunity to try and convince me to move back.  Which I steadfastly and resolutely do not want to do.  In fact, much of the reason I chose to stay here with Hawthorn was so that I could stay HERE and not have to move back there. Gah, just writing this paragraph is seriously stressing me out.

I will be attempting to blog from my phone while traveling.  We’ll see how that works out.  I have many hours of layover on the trip.