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Okay, so back to that guy I mentioned in my last post.  Here’s an abbreviated, but pretty accurate replay of the conversation we had last Friday:

him – “Are you still seeing the same guy?”
me  – “No, not anymore”
him – “Are you seeing someone else?”
me  – “no”
him – “how come?”
me  – “I don’t know, I guess there just aren’t any single guys in Nashville.”
him – “sure there are, maybe your standards are too high.”
me  – “Yes, my standards are no kids under 16, no cats, no alcoholics.”
him  – “Ha, yeah, no cats.
me  –  “I’m serious and not just because I’m allergic.”
him  – “No, I get it, 40 year old dude, lives alone, except for his three cats.  Yeah, that guy is not dateable.”
me  – “Right?”
(Let me interject here that I’ve known this guy casually for about 3 or 4 years and he has a 6 year old daughter and I’m pretty sure he’s married.  Or I was.)
him – “So you don’t date at all.”
me  – “Well, I’ve already been married once, and I don’t want kids, so I guess I have time to be picky.”
him – “You don’t want to get married again?”
me  – “I’m not against it, I’m just not planning for it or looking for it.”
him – “Yeah, I don’t think I’d get married again.”
me  – “Yeah.”
him – “Maybe I’d marry for money.”
me  – “Well, sure.”
him – “Or for foreign citizenship.”
me  – “Definitely.”
him – “We should go for drinks sometime.”
me  – “Okay, sure.”   (I swear, it was like a Jedi mind trick, by this point I was just agreeable.)

So I was pretty sure this guy was married (or still married, since I”d met his wife a while back and hadn’t heard differently) and that he was asking me out platonically, just a social hang.  But then the more I thought about it, I started to feel unsure.  And weird because I wouldn’t have agreed to go if I thought he meant like an actual date.

So last night I did go out for a drink with him and now I’m still confused, but in a different way.

It wasn’t a date.  He did pick me up, and walk me to my door after, but he didn’t buy my drinks.  He is married, happily I’d guess (though we mostly talked about me).  He did not make a move on me.  He did ask me lots of questions about myself and what I want out of life (in that way I associate with guys feeling you out on the first date, whether they are actually curious or just think they are supposed to pretend to listen to you talk).  He recommended me some self-help-y Buddhist books, he gave me a detailed pep-talk on how amazing I am and smart and how I would always land on my feet and I could go anywhere and do anything.  And then he told me to call him any time if I just wanted to hang out.  I feel confused and like maybe my friends put him up this, except I don’t have any friends that would do that.

Seriously though, at what point does some random acquaintance show up, recognize that you need to get out more, take you out, gently prod you about what direction you need to go in life (I was telling a friend recently that part of my problem is that I don’t have life goals the way I used too and last night, like the second thing this guy asked me was what my goals were and then proceeded to tell me that I should always have goals even if they changed every day or were unattainable–which is exactly how I feel and why I realized it felt weird that I didn’t have any), and then give you a massive, unsolicited pep talk about making change and moving forward in your life?

So there’s still time for me to meet my goal of meeting one new person, but I’m counting this encounter as that anyway, because I guess I just made a new friend?

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Ugh this had been a really rough week. Very bumpy and up and down.  Right now I wish I was asleep, but instead I’m sitting up crying because I didn’t get to do the thing I REALLY wanted to do tonight.  And I’m in a loop of feeling worse because I feel like I shouldn’t feel so bad about it.

The short of it is that I agreed weeks ago to cover a restaurant shift tonight that no one else could cover.  Hawthorn bought me tickets, as a birthday present to something I really, really wanted to see at the symphony, but neglected to give me advance warning.  When he did he only asked about the date, not the event, I declined, as I had an obligation to the person whose shift I agreed to cover. Hawthorn made plans to take someone else, I found out what the tickets were actually for, since there wasn’t a surprise to ruin, since I wasn’t going to get to go. And of course it turned out the restaurant really didn’t need me there at all.

I just feel incredibly disappointed and left out. And things like this just always seem to magnify the whole Hawthorn situation for me.  Like partly I’m mad at him because if he hadn’t tried to make it a surprise and had given me advance notice, I would have found a way to go.  Plus it just feels like the universe cheated me out of my relationship with him because of the external factors he had/has going on, and missing things like this makes me feel like it’s just one more thing taken away from me.  Which is petty and silly.  I try so hard to focus on the good things, and I have so many good things, that sometimes I end up feeling worse because I actually feel bad about being upset over something so relatively minor, in the scope of the world.

And I might have been able to let it go if Hawthorn hadn’t felt compelled to text me after and tell me what an amazing show it was.  Yeah, fuck you very much.

Plus, it was just a really bad, really stressful day at work all day leading up to the sucktastic evening. And what I really want to do is call Cedar and tell him how upset I am so he will make me feel better, but he’s on vacation and I know he’s having a really good time and I don’t want to mar that.  I’d call Violet to console me, but she had an even worse day than I did and I don’t think I could even be a supportive enough friend right now to even interact with her. Which is upsetting because overall I really am feeling so much better, but wow, it doesn’t take much to set me back to not being able to deal at all (although, I’m selling myself short by saying ‘not much’ as it was a VERY stressful day at work).

I think I’m going to call in sick tomorrow and start what is sure to be a good weekend early. Maybe I’ll go to the park and sit and memorize Lorca poems until the storms roll in.

I just literally cannot stop being so mad at Hawthorn for breaking up with me.  I just spent a wonderful, so very good evening with him and my visiting family members. And at the end of it I’m alone and so horribly missing him. Really, it’s been months now, why does it still have to be so hard?  I’m just so tired of hurting over his stupid, selfish choices.  I had the WORST sex dream ever the other night of trying to have sex with someone else to get back at him and it was so potently unpleasant in the dream that days later I’m still disturbed by it. Having said all that, I’m still trying to manifest someone else to have sex with, because I honestly think that will help. Or at least it will give me something else to think about.  Ugh.

Despite my whining last night I did have a good time with Oak yesterday.  It was a nice, open conversation and I am actually happy for him, should his new potential love work out.  Even moreso, I’m amused that I figured it out before he did  (girls don’t invite you to drive 2 hours to visit three weekends in a row and comment on ALL your FB posts if they don’t like you).  “I guess she was flirting with me,” he said, “I guess I need to be hit over the head with that stuff.”  Having the conversation about all that seemed to finally relax him enough to be teasingly flirty with me, which was wonderful, though a little bittersweet.

It was an enjoyable day, all the way until I was walking home alone from my afternoon with Oak.  Partly because we’d talked a lot about how mad I am at Hawthorn and because I was mad at Hawthorn still and because my experiment of asking that guitar-playing boy out ended in two rejections (one more subtle and open to interpretation and the other pretty outright, though he still insists he wants to go get a beer some time.  Whatever).

Ironically, I was paying lip service yesterday to how much better I’ve been at letting things go and not getting riled up over things I have no control over or things that would seem otherwise inconsequential.  And yet, I spent the whole evening riled up over things I have no control over.  As the anxiety and fear start to ebb, I realize that I am just so filled with anger all the time.  More anger than I’ve ever had in my life.  And I still really lack any sort of control over my emotions and emotional responses so anger more often than not means tears and frustration for me.  Honestly, I’m so tired of crying that this in itself makes me more angry and perpetuates the cycle.

As a result of how I felt at the end of the day yesterday I spent some time trying to dig out why I am so mad at Hawthorn.  Certainly it’s obvious on the surface, the poorly timed break up, the incredible upheaval to my life right when I really needed to feel stable, the obvious selfishness of his actions all the way through.  But I think that bigger picture stuff is actually too much for me to deal with, it’s more how it plays out every day.  I do enjoy his company and some of the time we spend together.  I just feel like he takes it for granted that I’m going to go see a show or do something with him. And that combined with his repeated asking if I’m going after I’ve said no, leaves me feeling like he doesn’t recognize any of my boundaries.  Plus he often fails to come through when I do want him, leaving me feel like we only do his things on his schedule and once again I don’t matter, or what I want doesn’t matter.  Plus when he knows he’s angered or annoyed me he goes out of his way to try and appease me which just further frustrates me.  I don’t want offerings and presents after the fact, I just want my own needs and boundaries recognized right up front.

Of course I recognize the need to separate myself from Hawthorn, that will be the best way to limit these frustrations.  But even that is limited, since I have to work with him everyday.  And obviously I am in a very lonely place right now and he’s easy to call on to keep me company.  Which of course isn’t necessarily the best option, but we don’t all always pick the best options, you know?  And I still maintain that having sex with someone else will surely go a long way towards helping me let go of the current attachments, I’m just not sure how t make that happen without things getting messy and more complicated.  Or, in fact, I just need to meet new people who will think I’m charming and take up my time.

And when I’m feeling like this, I reach out more into to divine and unknown to try help understand what I’m feeling.  This mostly takes form in meditation and much in depth exploration of my astrological chart and where my signs are sitting right now. A very simplified example of that is my current horoscopes, which have for the past several days, mostly looked like some variation on today’s projection:

Physical passion
This influence arouses a strong attraction to and desire to be with someone. You will be much more aggressive than usual in going out and finding a partner. This influence is often a sign of physical passion. Under this influence a sexual relationship is very satisfying to both partners. Even without sex, you will be very happy with other people. You feel more vivacious and attractive than usual and may well be the life of the party. You will work hard to gain the approval of others during this time, so strong is your need for affection. Artistic activity is also indicated, for the general significance of this influence is self- expression through creativity and love.

It’s not like it’s telling me anything I don’t know.  More it simply affirms what I already know I’ve been feeling. I recognize how much positivity there is in all that.  I do feel more attractive.  I do want to go out and socialize more.  I am much less locked in by my negative emotions and ready to get back to living in the world.  Still following through on getting out more and seeing more and different people is work, even when it’s positive and my available energy for dealing with things, even positive ones, is still pretty low (although admittedly the positive social interactions do replenish that energy to some extent).

(An aside: hahaha! While I’m typing this, Hawthorn just stuck his head in my office door and offered me coffee and told me he brought something he knew I wanted from the old house–see? Offereings and gifts because he knows I’m pissed off.  ARG!)

In other positive news, I got a kitchen table in this weekend and hopefully the rest of my office furniture arrives today, which means I’ll be able to get everything except the books put away.  The apartment has been rapidly becoming more comfortable (the recent additions of a reading lamp by the couch, small stereo for the living room and getting the bed room fully unpacked have really helped) and much more like my own sanctuary.  It’s nice to feel like I have a place I’m supposed to be.

No, I didn’t die in last week’s storms. Yes, I have been very lax in posting.  I got a promotion at work which means much less time to screw off.  And well, still no couch at home and when I’m there I feel like I should be actively involved in unpacking or organizing, or something, and thus, not writing.  Of course I’m not really getting much unpacking organizing done either since I don’t have shelves or much of place to keep things besides in boxes.  It’s getting there, though, slowly.

I had therapy yesterday for the last time for a while.  I’m taking a hiatus.  I just can’t seem to settle into  making it as useful as I want it to be. Partly because I’m thinking of my larger problems as something I’ll deal with when I’m settled and I’m not settled yet, so it feels like it’s taking up time that I could be getting settled with, or relaxing or taking care of myself.  And therapy doesn’t feel like taking care of myself right now, it feels expensive and useless.  So, I’ve discussed it with my therapist and I’m planning on starting back around May 1, unless I decide I really need it in the interim.  I don’t think I’m in a place to just stop, so I really do intended to go back.  And honestly, if my insurance was covering it, I might just go to go, but since it’s crazy expensive, out of my pocket and all, I’m gonna hold off for a bit.

Also I really need to get on the physical therapy for my shoulder and neck.  The work promotion is great, but I can’t be going to a bunch of different appointments during the day all the time, so I’ve also opted to use what time I can flex out during the day for physical therapy appointments.

All that said, I actually got some work done in my therapy session last night.  I have plan for dealing with my further dental surgeries, and permission not to beat myself up to make it happen immediately but, I think a good way to get myself through it, so that was comforting to walk out with in my head.

I feel like I spent my whole weekend moving things, in furniture stores or at Home Depot, which was boring, frustrating and expensive.  And still I have no couch.  On Saturday Oak went with me to pick up Hawthorn’s chairs for my temporary use. And then we went and had lunch.  I haven’t completely gathered my thoughts on Oak being back.  After I broke up with him I told myself a lot of stories about his bad qualities to justify my actions.  When things were bad with Hawthorn, I think I really romanticized Oak’s good qualities to punish myself for choosing Hawthorn.  Now, I think Oak is still exactly who he ever was, the same mix of good and bad.  And I enjoy his company, but I can safely say that I only enjoy it limited amounts and for certain activities.  Because while many of his ‘bad’ qualities aren’t really bad, his no-nonsense practical approach to everything can seem really dark sometimes and kind of brings me down.  And if I don’t catch him in a good mood I find I spend all of our time together ineffectively trying to cajole him back to good humor and it never works and just leaves both of us exhausted and annoyed.  But when he’s up and chatty and we’re just taking a walk in the park I do love his company.

Almost all of this is true about Hawthorn as well, though in a different way.  When I’m not his girlfriend and his thoughtless, selfish actions don’t directly affect my life, then I do enjoy his company.  I like to go see music and art with him (both things Oak never seems to want to do) and I like talking him.  Despite everything, I feel like he’s actually listening to me now, when I talk.

So yesterday, I swung by Hawthorn’s house, with some friends who want to buy the shelves I have left there.  And after they left I was talking to Hawthorn, just BS about the day and he gave me a hug and started to tear up.  And you know, I really do feel bad for him, banging around by himself in that big, empty house.  Yes, of course he did it to himself, but it was his own thoughtlessness and lack of foresight that did it and not any maliciousness on his part.  I had to be somewhere to meet someone, so I told him to come over to my house in an hour and I’d make him dinner.

I wasn’t going out of my way, since I made exactly what I would have done with or with him there, but he seemed very grateful.  And so we just sat (stood–no kitchen table or chairs yet) and talked about both mundane and serious things.  He expressed several times that he couldn’t believe I still anything to do with him at all after everything. And also how tired he was about feeling angry and toxic all the time (from his divorce, not from me–his son is applying to college and this is forcing Hawthorn into a lot unwanted interaction with his ex-wife).  And I was sympathetic and as supportive as I could be, since I don’t think being mean gets me anywhere in situations like this, hurt feelings or not.  And then he helped me hang my mirrors (I can leave the house knowing if I look schlumpy or not now, yay!) and hovered a bit trying be helpful in any way he could, but left before he overstayed his welcome.  And you know, it was a nice evening with a friend.  I’m sorry that it’s still tinged with so much suffering for both of us, but I hope the real parts of our friendship endure through all these hard parts.

I hope the same for my friendship with Oak as well.  But as I told a friend this weekend, I am going to want to have sex again and I will probably want to have sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with, haven’t been in a relationship with and am not going to get into a relationship with.  And there’s a good chance this will be someone I know and our social community is small enough that conceivably either or both Oak and Hawthorn would find out whether I told them or not.  And in the wobbly balance of my current friendships with them, I’m pretty sure having sex with someone else would reveal how true the intentions of either of them are for friendship.  I suspect Hawthorn would be jealous but would get over it, and Oak would lecture me on the inappropriateness of it and then, perhaps even unintentionally, distance himself from me, but people are unpredictable so I could be very wrong on both counts.