I have a doctor appointment tomorrow at lunch.  I’m asking about my somewhat persistent abdominal pain (that seems to be either reproductive related or digestive depending on the day),  and will probably discuss more drug options in the anxiety/depression (though still not interested in taking these, but maybe will give it one more go) and hoping for hormone, blood sugar and thyroid checks.  My periods have always been irregular and I’m not worried about that, but am hoping to talk about the PMS seeming much more painful and horrible in the last year and particularly in the last six months.

While I am there I will investigate the dentistry offices in that building, as I seem to recall there’s a specialist there who does the work I need.  I put a reminder in my phone for this.

I recognize that this is small bit for most people’s Monday mornings, but it’s HUGE for me.  And I did get through making the appointment just fine, but I almost started crying while setting the reminder for the dentist. Tiny, tiny, tiny steps.  Now if I can just make it through today without making myself sick thinking about all of this, that’ll be a huge step.

I had a good, calm weekend.  Went to Dandelion’s wedding, had a lovely time, only cried a little.  Drank too much.  Hawthorn was my date, which worked out lovely until he tried to kiss me good night.  In fairness we’d both had a lot to drink and had a good time together, but it was awkward.  He actually rather charmingly said, as he was going out the door, “Thanks for kissing me,” like I’d done him a favor by not making it even more awkward than it was.

During the ceremony I said something to him that I don’t remember that caused him to say, “You know I think so highly of you, right?”  And in the (not very good) book I read this weekend, I saved out this bit, “To offer someone your love is no small thing.  I offered mine to you and you refused.”  I have been meditating on both these things unintentionally most of the weekend.  I’d say in grander scheme the pain of the break up and the just being friends is getting better all the time, but there’s obvious steps back and wow, I am still really hurt.

I am irritable and whiny and achey today in a way that indicates PMS.  If it is this means either the really bad symptoms are stretching out to 10-12 days before my period starts or it’s going to come very early this time around.  This? Actually makes me glad to be going to the doctor tomorrow.

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