You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘relationships are hard’ tag.

There isn’t much more lonely than being sick when you live alone.  Ugh.  I mean I’m sweaty and nasty and not fit for company, but still I wish there was someone who’d bring me water and  make me soup and feel sorry for me.  Bleh.

I went on my first date since Hawthorn and I broke up last night.  It was fine.  I mean it wasn’t unpleasant or bad or anything.  I didn’t suffer in any way during it.  But he held no real attraction for me and after the fact I liked him less and less the more I thought about it. It felt like there was some small measure of meanness inside him, buried under a façade of jollity.  And he kept interrupting me, like I don’t think I finished more than half the stories I told before he jumped in to tell something.  But it’s out of the way, it’s done, and I guess it’s a step in moving on.

And I think while talking about the date in advance I articulated where I am at with Hawthorn right now.  I think I won’t feel better until he tells me he made terrible, terrible mistake by leaving me and then we can shake hands and agree that it’s best this way anyhow.  I just want him to feel at least a little of the loss I feel.  And no, I don’t think he’ll ever say that.  I did point out recently to him that all the things I said about his choices and what he should be doing with his life and how we should have approached our relationship, things I said two years ago that all turned out to be true and I got very heartfelt, ‘you were right and I was wrong,’ so that was nice.  He’s apologized for essentially taking me down with him when he wasn’t being aware enough about what he needed in life to recover from his own divorce.  He’s apologized for not taking my counsel on that topic when I offered it.  But I’m still not sure he knows just how much he hurt me and I’m pretty sure I won’t completely forgive him until he says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he shouldn’t have let me get away.  Which he will surely never do.

Today’s answer is to the question: What if I didn’t have to apologize?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for being so hurt, so vulnerable, so open to love and so lost without it.  What if I didn’t have to apologize for needing so much time to myself, so much time to recover, so much space to heal?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for taking so long to find my place in a world I never expected to be in?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for being who I am?

If I made a mistake in all of this it was being to open to the possibilities of this world, of being too caring, too willing to give and receive love.  I will not apologize for my mistakes here anymore.  I will try and try to learn and grow and to still be that person, to be open to the possibilities the world offers, the good possibilities, even if the end result means another mistake to not be apologized for.

I feel yucky today.  It’s been a Monday for sure, already, even this early, and it’s hot here.  Like severe weather warning hot.  Ugh.  I have what feels like a blechy, blechy hangover.  I suspect it’s from crying so much in the last few days in the yucko heat.  Last Thursday morning Hawthorn told me he was in agreement with me that we should just be a friends (in regards to my boundary setting of the past few weeks) and that he was going to start seeing other people, cue me falling into a wretched puddle. It felt like, well it felt like when we first broke up.  I spent most of the weekend  crying, meditating, talking to a few friends and having some fairly intense exchanges with Hawthorn.  It’s all wound down now, or worn itself out, or I’ve worn myself out about it.  We seem to be basically where were before, good friends, no possibility of getting back together.  I’ve gotten maybe 3 of the 5 apologies I think he owes me.

I feel better about the level open communication we have.  I feel glad to have him as my friend.  I honestly do think us getting back together would be a terrible idea. And still the thought of him finding someone else knots my stomach and makes me want to choke on my own sadness.  I recognize that a lot that comes from my own issues and my perception of the situation: if he wants to be with someone else that means he broke up with me because I’m not good enough, not because he wasn’t ready for a relationship.   I’m trying really hard to let that go and make the space for both of us to move on.  It sucks still.

To that end this week I’m going to work as much as I can on these questions.  I was reaching the point that I felt like I needed to figure out what was behind my jealousy and what was making hold on to all the hurt from that relationship then the universe just slapped me in the face with it.  I guess maybe I need to speed up my emotional transformation or something.  So today is question 1:  I am enough, worthy and good.  I do not need to be fixed.  I am strong enough and smart enough for everything that faces me.  I will continue to work to heal my own wounds, but I am not those wounds, not defined by them and I did not get them because I deserved them.  They were an accident that I can recover from because I am worthy of feeling whole and healthy and good.

I got an email from my friend Dandelion last night asserting that she’s sorry she’s been absent (due to things in her own life) and that she’d like to be more present.  Of course I replied with love and welcoming of her renewed presence.  This is, surely a good thing.  Part of what had happened in the last year or two was a split from my long time best friend, which was not as hurtful maybe as everything else, as it was long time coming and I don’t feel like I bear any responsibility for the fracture of that relationship.  Still I lost a close friend which has made navigating some of this healing stuff harder than it would otherwise be.  However, I do know that I need to process and decompress the dissolution of that relationship and Dandelion is one of the few people I could have that conversation with who would really understand what had happened (Wisteria is another, but that will include processing it for both of us, which is, I think, different).  Also Dandelion was present for a lot of the stuff that led up to my break down period, so even even if she wasn’t around when it all went screwy, I think renewing friendship with her and talking about these things with her will be really helpful for me as I know her to be a good and fair listener and I don’t have to waste a lot of time explaining the background to why I feel the way I do.

This also got me thinking about how some people just give you what you need when you need it.  When I need to vent and or relax and feel strong female energy I call Violet and Calantha.  If I need to feel like someone loves me no matter what and won’t judge me I call Rose or Wisteria (and our long time tight knit group of friends) or Rowan.  If I need to laugh and remember there’s magic and humor in the world, I call my sister Dahlia.  I am glad to have these people, and all of you, and everyone around me in my life.  I am slowly recognizing that I need to be relying on my friends more and more, that they will not reject me, that they are already giving what I need without my asking and that I simply need to be present enough to see it.  Present.  In the moment.  And Mindful.

For anyone following along closely, here is the full text of the email exchange with Oak from yesterday mostly for my own recording and to note that even when I think he isn’t paying attention, or replying to everything, I know he’s noticing every detail, I just don’t always know what he’s thinking about it: click to see the boring details

I have a bad attitude today.  Everything single thing Hawthorn is doing is really irritating me.  Despite that he’s gone out of his way to be nice and helpful, even his nice and helpful is annoying to me today.  I’m tired, despite having gone to bed relatively early and slept in late.  I slept restlessly, had disturbing and distressing dreams and generally don’t feel rested at all.  It’s ‘normal’ insomnia for me, I guess, but it feels worse maybe because I haven’t been experiencing it as regularly.  I’m still taking the St. John’s Wort, but I haven’t taken Klonopin or anything to help me sleep in, uh, I guess three days.  I imagine tonight I’ll take something as I can’t take another day of feeling this rough.  I’m a sort of punching, kicking, mood to burn bridges mood.  The snow, ice and single digit temps aren’t helping, although Hawthorn did drive me to work so I didn’t have to overwhelm myself attempting the terrible road conditions.

I have in my inbox an unread email from Oak.  I’m not sure why I’m resisting reading it.  I realized the other night that it had been a few days since I’d heard from Oak and that our last few interactions had been brief and unsatisfying.  I decided that he probably had thought better of maintaining friendship with me and that was okay.  I mean really, I broke up with him, destroyed both our future plans, reset both our lives and then expect him to be supportive caring and helpful to me now? It does seem like too much to ask.  Of course with in an hour of me deciding this he called, just to chat and check up on me.  So last night I made my post about wanting to go home or having a home to go too and after I email Oak a poorly thought out email on the same subject.  Trying to express how both my relationship with him and my breaking up with him were related to my need to have a home, or a place to feel safe, and how sorry I was about how it had turned out but that maybe it was for the best that my emotional melt down hadn’t happened after he and I moving across the country together to someplace where I had a much smaller support system. And thanking him for being so kind and so good to still be supportive of me and to let me lean on him now, even after everything that happened. And how glad I was he was moving back here, giving us a chance to start over as friends.  Anyway, I can’t bring myself to read his reply.

Gmail lets me see the first line: “StarChickadee, I think it’s going to be a great thing  for you to have your own place. It’s…”  Oak is subtle and full of minute cues that you have to know to watch for.  Our names start with the same letter and when we were dating  we addressed each other in email only by first initial, capital for him, lowercase for me.  I recognize that for him this was a special part of our communication, a secret code between us.  But I started it and when I started it it was partly because I often simply sign my emails with my lower case first initial and it seemed right to give him the upper case, simply to distinguish.  So now I continue to sign emails as such, but he goes out of his way to sign his first name in email correspondence with me, and generally doesn’t address me by name or initial at all.  So the fact that he started this reply with my full first name is meaningful, though I surely won’t be able to tell you exactly how until I read the email. It is for this reason, I guess, that I’m simply dreading opening this email.  I have relied heavily on him in recent weeks.  He has been a kind, generous, king among men to allow me to do so. And yet, our current status, even as friends is very precarious and strange and undefined.  I often find myself wondering if I’ve crossed an unrecognized line since, as I said, he is very subtle and sometimes his cues can be missed. I wonder if my continued signing of emails with my small initial irritates or upsets him and yet I continue to do it with defiance since it is mine choose how I represent myself no matter what and I want to keep that signature as mine and not only representative as something we shared.  And I recognize how silly it is to be so stubborn about a little letter, but I see it as indicative of how tenuous our current connection is.  I am sure that once he gets back here and we can talk in person I will feel better about the whole situation, as then I can read him easily and do not have to worry about small cues in language usage alone.

There is not enough coffee int he world for em today, it seems.  Lunchtime already and I feel slow, sluggy, lethargic and worn down.  Maybe I’ve just once again hit my ‘too tired emotionally to deal with anything’ limit.  I keep forgetting how close that limit is and knocking up against it until we’re both bruised and battered.

Nine days until I move, surely I can keep it together until then, until I can get home?

I had a rough day.  It’s hard to even say why.  I went to therapy just feeling exhausted, worn down emotionally and pretty much unable to deal.  I spent most of the time talking about things I am worried about, but are mostly a deflection from my own problems.  Then we talked about faith and that was good.  Mostly I left with her telling me basically to live int  he moment a little more, and, you know, stop and smell the flowers.  Notice the color purple.  I actually left therapy feeling really uplifted.  I don’t know that we did any “work” on my actual problems, but I left with a sense that I had some tools and some goals of who I want to be.

Of course it was snowing when I left.  I’m so over this miserable winter.  I drove in the snow to the paint store where they were really nice and really helpful to me.  I got a great discount on the paint for my apartment (the painter had a contractor’s account there and my neighborhood is kind of like a small town in the way that people will take your word for it on stuff like “he said it’s okay to use his account”).  Then I dragged Violet out to help me make one small choice about wall color.  We were going to go out after but we both kind of lamed out, which was fine as I think we both really had other things we wanted to be doing.  I came home and put the last coat of primer on the sewing table and the first coat on the side table.  I am seriously obsessed with refinishing all my furniture to exactly the way I want it.  I guess maybe it’s because it’s something I can exert my will over, some small amount of control and I know it’s going to toward making a home for myself that feels like it’s really filled with MY things.

Hawthorn invited me to see my favorite hockey team play our team here in town.  I declined on the basis that the timing is bad based on my moving schedule and that this game is essentially an anniversary of our first date (same teams playing) and that it didn’t feel appropriate to go relive our first date the day before I’m moving out of our house.  He replied, “I understand.  I am sorry for having upset you on so many levels, but I know it is best in the long run; I will talk about this (us) at whatever level you want to, if you want to, but I don’t really know what to say about it unless prompted…”  I spent some time thinking about that this evening while I painted and I think I really do need to talk to him about all of this.  Just not yet.  After I’ve moved and settled and we can literally do it on my turf.  He’s right, it surely all is for the best in the long run.  Just I need to get over my sense of being abandoned, of being rejected, past how raw the hurt is.  Until then I’m gonna go along with our somewhat superficial companionability and focus on my furniture and my moving plans and wait for the right time.  There’s been enough bad timing in this whole thing already.

Right now I will breathe, and be thankful for the world.  I will think about mindfulness and I will be glad to be alive.  Even when it sucks.  I will go to sleep thinking about handsome princes, fictional and real.  I will dream about butterflies and fairies.

Ugh, I went looking for this picture to post (the Japanese Garden in Seattle, taken Sept. 2009) and what I stumbled into was a folder full of pictures of Oak and I together.  I am still determined to dream about butterflies and fairies, even after that surprisingly jarring experience.