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I got an email from my friend Dandelion last night asserting that she’s sorry she’s been absent (due to things in her own life) and that she’d like to be more present.  Of course I replied with love and welcoming of her renewed presence.  This is, surely a good thing.  Part of what had happened in the last year or two was a split from my long time best friend, which was not as hurtful maybe as everything else, as it was long time coming and I don’t feel like I bear any responsibility for the fracture of that relationship.  Still I lost a close friend which has made navigating some of this healing stuff harder than it would otherwise be.  However, I do know that I need to process and decompress the dissolution of that relationship and Dandelion is one of the few people I could have that conversation with who would really understand what had happened (Wisteria is another, but that will include processing it for both of us, which is, I think, different).  Also Dandelion was present for a lot of the stuff that led up to my break down period, so even even if she wasn’t around when it all went screwy, I think renewing friendship with her and talking about these things with her will be really helpful for me as I know her to be a good and fair listener and I don’t have to waste a lot of time explaining the background to why I feel the way I do.

This also got me thinking about how some people just give you what you need when you need it.  When I need to vent and or relax and feel strong female energy I call Violet and Calantha.  If I need to feel like someone loves me no matter what and won’t judge me I call Rose or Wisteria (and our long time tight knit group of friends) or Rowan.  If I need to laugh and remember there’s magic and humor in the world, I call my sister Dahlia.  I am glad to have these people, and all of you, and everyone around me in my life.  I am slowly recognizing that I need to be relying on my friends more and more, that they will not reject me, that they are already giving what I need without my asking and that I simply need to be present enough to see it.  Present.  In the moment.  And Mindful.

For anyone following along closely, here is the full text of the email exchange with Oak from yesterday mostly for my own recording and to note that even when I think he isn’t paying attention, or replying to everything, I know he’s noticing every detail, I just don’t always know what he’s thinking about it: click to see the boring details

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Several conversations with other people saved for my own reference. Click to keep reading…