Several conversations with other people saved for my own reference.

From an email from my father:

On an astrological level, Saturn is moving through your 4th House, which represents the experiences you need to find your core identity and what you need to find true security and internal stability.  So one way of looking at this period in your life, since the personality function represented by Saturn demands that you face things totally realistically, often by forced limitation (so you can’t intellectually avoid it), is that you’ve temporarily lost your habitual security anchors, so that you can honestly find out where your real core security comes from and what it consists of at its most elemental level.  Everybody hates Saturn transits while they’re happening, but the knowledge  you gain is pretty much the most realistic and important that you will encounter.  And, although it takes pretty long for it to transit a House (2½ -3 yrs), there is an end to it, and once it’s through, those particular travails are done, usually for good in a lifetime, unless you really make an effort not to do shit when you’re faced with the challenges it brings.  In your case, I think it will be out of your 4th House in about a year, but I’ll have to check that out when I get back home.

Saturn transiting the houses of the horoscope.

And from my own email response to my father:

I think part of the reason this has been so hard for me to talk about is my own internal sense that I should just suck it up, deal with it and move on (both Taurean and Scandinavian), but also I just don’t deal well with sympathy.  I just got a (friendly, pleasant) reaming from my mom for not telling her stuff just because I think it would upset her.

I am trying even my own patience dealing with this, but I’m trying to take it slowly and one step at a time.  Right now it’s can I tolerate the drugs they are giving me (initially no, but I’ve switched to something else and so far it seems better)? And can I find a therapist I can work with (narrowed down to 2, meet with the first one tomorrow)?  So if I can get through this week with the drugs and firmer plan about what therapy is going to be, then next week I start physical therapy (the amount of tension I’ve been carrying has done a serious number on my neck). Then exercise, probably just a lot of treadmill walking for a while until I feel like I can move my body again, but I have a close and wonderful friend here in town who teaches yoga in my neighborhood and I will probably firmly commit to biweekly classes when their next session starts at the end of Feb. Though until then she teaches a restorative class once a week which I’m going to schedule for starting as soon as I can manage it.

I think I have my own personal stuff in hand.  I mean, I still have panic attacks, I’m generally utterly freaked out by the future, and I feel a little crazy, but I feel solid about my plan for dealing with it.  I think I feel better just because I have a plan for dealing with it.

Recapping an email exchange with my dear friend, Wisteria, on the subject of Saturn transits and life changes–

Wisteria: Do you feel like this has given you any idea of how to proceed?

Star Chickadee: Well, I feel like it’s validated the way I’ve been feeling for a while (I read up on this transit in few places this morning).  I feel like knowing this, the fact that I am making a plan only for myself IS the right thing to do.  You know, I’m in this weird place where I am really angry with Hawthorn, and yet unwilling to move out or even stop taking comfort from him. And I guess the problem I’m having with that is that it isn’t really an awkward place for me to be, but it is an awkward thing to have to explain to people, you know?  But I’m pretty determinedly committed to making sure that I’m taken care of while I sort myself out and I’ve promised myself that if the house situation starts feeling toxic that I’ll go stay with [friends nearby], but for now it’s just sad, not bad exactly.  But I think the whole Saturn transit making me feel unmoored from home stability has been going on for a while and sort of gives me, uh, license, I guess, to be stubborn about how I decide I feel most secure.  It is definitely interesting, but I am also curious to find out when it ends too, ya know?

Also it can’t be said enough that I really made the choices I made (staying here with Hawthorn vs. waiting for and moving cross country with Oak) because they felt the safest, like the most security for me, and I really feel like that has been ripped entirely away, which is pretty clearly a hallmark of this transit.

Wisteria: Wow.  When you put it that way, it’s really harsh and obvious, but wow.

I suppose, for me, what I find most frustrating about the situation with Hawthorn is that it seemed like you’d finally found someone who was going to help take care of you — not that you require being taken care of, but we all need that — and I obviously have no idea what happened, but I’m disappointed on your behalf that he just…failed at what I, personally, wanted from him.  Ridiculous, I’m sure.

I hope the situation doesn’t become toxic, and maybe in the end you guys will turn out to be friends?  Or something?

I’m glad you’ve got a back up plan at least.

I think it makes sense being angry and still sticking around and accepting what you need from him.  Frankly, I think that can be part of any long term relationship, so long as it doesn’t get toxic.

Star Chickadee: Ironically enough, I have never thought of myself as needing to be taken care of, but in the last year or so I’ve come to accept that I actually do need that.  Much of my decision to split with Oak was because he wasn’t there to do it and Hawthorn truly did seem to be the right person for that.  I’m also pretty sure that the lesson I’m supposed to leave with is that I need to be open and honest with myself about level of care and affection I require from a partnership, and not just turn around and say, fine, I can do it by myself, I don’t need help. (I think this lesson is actually true for my whole life as well, not just relationships.)

Not ridiculous at all.  I appreciate your disappointment on my behalf.  I would be less disappointed in Hawthorn if he would offer me something other than, “I just don’t think I can be in a long term relationship,” and then tear up. It’s all moving and good, but I’m really hoping he can do the work he needs to do to articulate and identify his problem and overcome it. Preferably before he’s irreparably damaged our relationship.

And my answer to Oak when he asked how things were with Hawthorn tonight:  I’m really trying to only focus on what I need right now to feel stable again.  Hawthorn isn’t exactly sidelined, but it’s so outside my control and I’m trying not to include it in my worries.