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Tomorrow I leave on a week long vacation.  Two vacations, really.  One more busy, businessy, with family and some friends and one, shorter, alone in a city I’ve never been to before.  The kind of trip I used to take all the time before the events of recent years seem to have diminished my spirit and filled me with fear.  I am nervous, but reasonably so, more concerned with cancelled flights and travel problems than with being alone, traveling alone or going into the unknown.  This is perhaps the biggest indication of how far away I am from the person I was at the beginning of this year.

I am trying to resist the urge to reach out to Hawthorn and tell him how much I miss him.  Because truthfully, while I do miss him, my motive is t make him him feel bad and it’s a terrible and petty impulse.  I’m moving on better than I’d imagined.  I believe there was magic the ceremony I performed the other night, or perhaps just simple power of ritual.  I’ve felt so much better since then.  The sadness, the loneliness, the sense of abandonment and bad decisions and everything else from the relationship is still there, still be dealt with a processed but it just doesn’t bite like it did.  As if it is merely a dull ache now, rather than a stabbing pain.  Now I fight with myself to be a better person, to not give into the impulse to try and make him feel bad.  I’m angry now, I feel maltreated, by Hawthorn, by myself, by circumstances beyond either of our control.  I want apologies and I want some acknowledgement of how hard it’s been for me, how much I’ve been wronged.  I’m not sure I’ll get it. And I’ll have to learn to accept that.  Hopefully I’ll get there without stooping to petty tactics meant only to incite.

I have vacation before me, days of new experiences.  Time to reflect and much time to busy to even think about my problems.  A week outside my head, outside my life and outside my problems.  And when I return home, Hawthorn will be gone on his own vacation, leaving me a week to adjust to life without him, to not even having to see him at work, to settle myself back into being myself and ready to deal with whatever is coming next in my life.

I had a long drive this weekend (lots of time to think) and an excellent visit with Wisteria. She (probably unknowingly) made me feel much better and much more normal about how I’ve been feeling in relation to Hawthorn (in as much as it hasn’t been that long and it’s okay to still be working through the break up especially with dealing with him every day).  I do, after the long meditative drive, feel as if I am really ready to step into the next part of my life, even if it’s struggle.  Tonight I am going to do a smudging ritual and ceremony for finding myself again.  Something symbolic for moving forward and shaking off the negativity of the past.

Little time for writing today, but here’s the email I sent Cedar last night about my weekend:

I spent a third of my weekend in the car going to and from the mountains, a third of it having the strangest dreams, and a third of it gasping for breath while one of my closest friends and I tried to fit in every word about everything we’ve been thinking and doing recently.  I’m not sure I feel reborn yet, but the cobwebs they are brushed away from the windows and the light is streaming in and maybe it’s time to start cleaning everything else.

I told [Hawthorn] on Thursday, in no uncertain terms, that our relationship is friendly, but work only.  I took him off Facebook and every other place that I might accidentally ‘see’ him and get upset. I asked him not to contact me outside work hours unless it was a genuine emergency until such a time as I decide I want it otherwise.  I told the terms of this agreement to [Juniper], the owner of [workplace], to [Wisteria] the friend I visited this weekend, and to everyone who reads my Facebook.  I have cried so much this week and I just can’t do it anymore. I have to move on and I don’t even like the thing I’m hanging on to. [Juniper] said out loud what I have long thought, that [Hawthorn] has been entirely selfish in every interaction we’ve had, that he’s completely had his way, had everything he wanted in every stage of our relationship.  And it isn’t fair and I don’t want it any more.  I want it my way, period. [Wisteria] pointed out that it hasn’t even been a year since we broke up and I’ve had to see him every single day so how could I let go? And so I haven’t.  But you know, the sex wasn’t even that good, he often left me feeling like he wasn’t listening even when what I was saying important, and he never respected the boundaries I tried to set.  He did set a good example on a lot of fronts and left me with a list a good traits that the next one should have.  But he isn’t good enough for me and he was nice enough to me but he never treated me like I was the greatest, smartest, most beautiful strongest and most valuable thing he had and I don’t think I can settle for any less than that.

For the last three years I have felt so stuck and lost.  Like some crucial spark, some extra piece that is what makes me special has been missing. Like everyone recognizes the awesome outer shell but I have to hide that what ever was supposed to be inside is missing. I have good friends, close ones, forever ones and yet I’ve still felt isolated, somehow on the outside of my own life.  I’ve lost sight of my plans for the future, of the things I do best and of this awesome 16 year old girl I used used to be, who I’ve always kept in my heart and checked in with to make sure I was straying too far from the right path.

I’m not blaming myself for any of this, I’m not carrying the weight of it any more.  I’m just releasing all of it and moving forward.  I’m not even looking for who I used to be, just going forward into who I am going to be.  I’m terrified and exhausted from carrying the weight of the past, but I’m just rushing headlong into it.

You have been a strong, bright light for me.  Somehow you manage to make me feel completely at ease no matter what.  You are the best part of every one of my days that you touch. I don’t know that I can express my appreciation of every word you write me.  So thank you for that.

I don’t know what happens now.  I’ve driven hours and sat down immediately write this, so now I’m gonna eat, shower, and go to bed.  And find out what happens tomorrow.  I hope there’s a wink of your bright light in many of my future days.

I hope I can hold on to as positive as I’m feeling about this today for a while.  I’m going to conscript Dandelion into a once a week activity with me.  I’ve already expressed to a group of friends my need for more contact.  I am ready to go back to living my own life, by myself, on my own terms.

L’Chaim!

Paraphrased from something meaningful, but badly written I found around the net: Because when you have passion with a person, you create attraction, which is learned. The longer you spend time together in an affectionate way, the more you reinforce those emotions.

And because I’ve reached (finally?) the Jawbreaker-lyrics-are-so-meaningful-and-pertinent stage of the break up, from ‘Jet Black’: This is the cure, same as the symptom.  In which the symptom is Hawthorn leaving me, and the cure is leaving him.

No more “I wish I could quit you” moments.  I’ve set boundaries with Hawthorn (again), this time making him invisible from my social networks and asking him to not contact me outside work.  I’ve said that a casual lunch is fine on work day and we can talk about every day things, but that I’d like to do our best to remove all person closeness, intimacy and socialization outside of work from our current relationship.  I feel like I’m mourning this all over again for billionth time but I feel better about it.  I’m working on some sort of ritual removal of him from my life.  I don’t have letters to burn or anything but I’m discarding hundreds of saved emails, I’m deleting saved links of things to share with him and doing my best to engage myself with my friends so I have less time to wallow in my own head.  Wish me luck, it feels like jumping off a cliff.  But into a pool of cool water and not an endless crevasse.

Jet Black by Jawbreaker:

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I am having a really hard time this week.  I can not seem to pull it together to stop feeling self pitying and miserable.

It’s not just feeling down or blue.  I feel incredibly lonely, isolated and abandoned.  I know a lot of it comes from Hawthorn’s recent actions.  And the fact that he’s just a selfish asshole.  I so want to be over him already, over anything to do with him.  I wish my needing to have a job didn’t require me to share physical space with him every day.

I need to restructure my entire social life.  How I’m spending my time, who I’m spending it with, what I’m doing.  But I feel exhausted and overwhelmed all the time as it is, so I’m unsure about how to set this in motion.

I had dinner with Oak last night, which was simultaneously mildly pleasant and utterly, unbelievably awful.  In the context of discussing his current relationship and my current status of not dating out of apathy, he essentially told me that there’s ten pretty, smart girls just like me for every unmarried, undamaged, not alcoholic single guy my age (and that that ratio was even less in my favor in the city in which I live).  So I shouldn’t even bother dating and that I better figure out what I’m doing for work or decide that I like where I am because at my age my chances of meeting anyone are slim and as a woman probably whatever career I have now I’ll still be doing when I’m 60.  So I better pick something and settle into it, since I’m sure not to have anything else in my life until I die.   And on any regular day I’d just think he was a jerk that is wrong, but since I was already feeling defeated the entire evening was a huge blow to my sense of self worth.

I am at the beginning of two very long work days right now and won’t have any down time or even enough sleep to deal with any of this.  I’d like to meditate, I’d like to read.  I’d like to do some writing exercises or call a friend, but alas, it seems I will be working or sleeping from now until late, late Friday without reprieve.

I survived the dentist initial appointment.  The prognosis isn’t as bad as I’d feared.  Lots of work done in the next couple months, but then shiny new teeth!  Healthier mouth! Improved self confidence!  Hopefully it won’t be too painful, but the new dentist was really nice.

I am trying to focus on the next few steps to getting my health back in order.  August is filled with travel and lots of work, but hopefully I can start on medical doctor appointments in September and move toward getting the rest of me straightened out.

Overall I think I continue to be on an upswing, although Hawthorn is certainly dating again and that knocked me back a bit.  I feel wretchedly sad and incredibly hurt by it, though at the same time I am so so so so very tired of feeling like this, of being upset over him, of the whole thing.  I am really trying to shake it off in as much as that may be possible.  Looking back to the questions I’ve answering here recently, indeed, what if I didn’t need to punish myself? I mean, really, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.  And not just because it’s unproductive and damaging, but because Hawthorn seems to be doing enough of it himself with his poor timing and selfish insensitivity.

Things I clearly should have been meditating on over the weekend instead of being miserable about Hawthorn (though in my defense, I woke up sick on Saturday and he thrust the news of the dating on me immediately by texting me and telling me I needed to read his email right now, so he could be simultaneous cowardly and callous about his ‘news’) that I meant to write about last week:

“My song requires them all.”  I do need to work more on being grateful for what I have.   I am very aware of being a ‘have’ rather than a ‘have not.”  I live in the safest, cleanest, most comfortable time in history.  I live in the lap of luxury compared the majority of people int he world in my era.  I am surrounded by beauty and I want for nothing.  It’s hard to enjoy and take in stride because I just feel so bad all the time and I perpetuate it by making myself feel worse, as if I need to punish myself more for not enjoying what I have.  I will love the day.  Today I love to gorgeous mist that spread over fields of grazing horses as I drove to work.  I love the ease and convenience of my life.  I love the choices I have, even when they seem to scary to make.  I will love this day.  I will love this day.

And from here I steal only one small line, “At the same time, I’m grateful that I’m sad, because if I wasn’t, that would mean I never had any good times…” I am grateful for my sadness, as per above, because my song does require them all. I can not know, can not recognize my future joy (which I’m sure is coming) unless I have something to contrast it against.  I can not see the color purple unless I know all the other colors exist.

I will do more to embrace the whole.  I will find joy in every day and I will love that day for every experience it brought me.  Every minute of all of it moves me along, moves me toward the future, which is unknown and will contain suffering, but surely will contain equal parts of joy and love to balance out the loss.  I believe this and I will try to be better at living it.  Into every garden rain must fall to bring the flowers, winter must come to renew the earth.  Even as my own personal rain falls now, it surely must mean that spring awaits.

I’ve been reading this post and answering the questions to myself for a while.  I’ve addressed the first few here.  Now I think I’ll take the last three together.

4. What if what I need is already here?
5. What if I didn’t have to figure it all out?
6. What if exactly what I need is happening already?

These are all really hard for me.  Like Zen koans or maybe just something I can’t quite wrap my head around yet like “letting go.”

I know everything I need is already here, in my mind, in my body, in my life. But it’s like I can’t quite access it in the right way.  Much like I know I need to let go of my jealousy and desires to end suffering, I get it, I’m just not sure exactly how I do it.  When I let go of my negative emotions instead of clinging to them, when I forgive myself, will I suddenly be free to access all the power and good that is inside myself?

The last two questions seem like subsets of four.  Or maybe I just answer them in similar ways.  I know I don’t have to figure it all out, how could I?  But how do I know I’m even seeking the right answers?  How do I know I’m on the true and moral path? How do I figure those things out? Do I not worry about answers and just do what I think is best?  And surely what I need is happening?  I am healing, maybe too slowly, maybe just right.  How could now be anything other than what I need? Even when it’s bad the idea that right now is providing less than I need is incomprehensible.  The idea of it seems past some line of abject misery, far into despair.

Hmm, I’m trying to address these as I did the others and I can’t. I believe this is because I’ve already reached some level of release with these.  I don’t need to learn that I’m all I need, that every healing tool is inside me, that the future is unknown and seeking answers leads to insanity, that I need to be in now, that the answers from now will reveal themselves later.  The initial questions:

1. What if there was nothing I needed to fix in me?
2. What if I didn’t have to punish myself to get the lesson?
3. What if I didn’t have to apologize?

still hold some stumbling blocks for me, but I think, overall, I’m doing better with those than I was even a few weeks ago.

I did make my dentist appointment.  One more step along the path of recovery of my full self!

One of the best thing about having a website is tracking the search terms people have found your site with. Some of these are obvious but many are serious what the fucks.  I kind of want to write a post themed around these, together or individually.

Search terms that found me here:

images of bridges burning
prince charming
last night i fucked your boyfriend russia
chinese symbol for mental health recovery
flammarion
oxbow lakes
lonely girl in rain
birthday chipmunk
healing with the fairies trust
better than any drug
feeling blue proverbs
emotions mouths
i dreamt i cut out my toung
doesn t respect my boundaries
peacot
its everything nice.tumblr
bluestarchickadee
sleepy wombat
i wish someone would take care of me
i am very dangerous don’t get too close
cherry petals wind
vajíčka
which one is harder, “the rock” or “the hard place
if something starts to angle it?
why does facebook give me the option to like my own status. of course i like my status, i’m fucking hilarious and sexy.
hit at sternal angle code blue
astrology and chickadee
background of thinking lonely
alley in southern spain
my safe bedroom with teddy bear
do not mess with blue
charming prince with flowers

I’m back from a short vacation.  I always imagine that every trip I take will be life altering.  And I guess it is, just not necessarily in an immediate, choirs from heaven showing me the answer kind of way.  This trip, while fun, was exhausting both emotionally and physically.  Despite have spent all of yesterday evening doing nothing I find myself still wiped and barely able to think.

In a way the best part of my trip was going to breakfast with Dandelion before she took me to the airport.  It was really good to connect with her again.  You know how some friends can drift on an out of your life and some when you see them, not matter how far between, you are instantly back at a point of mutual understanding an love?  It was like that.  I gave her sort of a short run on down on the past couple years (and didn’t have to explain a lot of background because with good friends it’s just like that) and the only really painful emotional response I had to talking about stuff was about my teeth.

I spent a lot of the weekend meditating on that. So while I know a lot of my suffering over Hawthorn is about me feeling I’m not good enough or not feeling the confidence I once had and some other things that are purely about me.  I wonder how much of that is actually tied into my health and my view of myself after the accident where I lost my teeth.  My mouth hasn’t been comfortable since then, I worry about it a lot, I have terrible dreams about losing my teeth and I still suffer some pain, both from the original problem and the surgeries and solutions after.

So I am resolved to see a dentist this month and find out how much it will cost to get my teeth fixed. Really fixed, like the underlying problems, my bite problems and the cosmetic issues.  I will try and figure out how much I can get insurance to pay and I will borrow the rest.  I think if I can get past the dental anxiety (which is great, I’m crying just typing this up) and get to a place where my smile is pretty and I’m confident that I won’t just be losing teeth or physically suffering that that will go a long, long, long way towards getting me back to myself.

That’s my plan for August, to at least make the initial appointment and find out all the work I still need done and how much it’s going to cost. And spend more time with Dandelion and my other friends, as I will surely need as much support as I can possibly get through all of this.