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Paraphrased from something meaningful, but badly written I found around the net: Because when you have passion with a person, you create attraction, which is learned. The longer you spend time together in an affectionate way, the more you reinforce those emotions.

And because I’ve reached (finally?) the Jawbreaker-lyrics-are-so-meaningful-and-pertinent stage of the break up, from ‘Jet Black’: This is the cure, same as the symptom.  In which the symptom is Hawthorn leaving me, and the cure is leaving him.

No more “I wish I could quit you” moments.  I’ve set boundaries with Hawthorn (again), this time making him invisible from my social networks and asking him to not contact me outside work.  I’ve said that a casual lunch is fine on work day and we can talk about every day things, but that I’d like to do our best to remove all person closeness, intimacy and socialization outside of work from our current relationship.  I feel like I’m mourning this all over again for billionth time but I feel better about it.  I’m working on some sort of ritual removal of him from my life.  I don’t have letters to burn or anything but I’m discarding hundreds of saved emails, I’m deleting saved links of things to share with him and doing my best to engage myself with my friends so I have less time to wallow in my own head.  Wish me luck, it feels like jumping off a cliff.  But into a pool of cool water and not an endless crevasse.

Jet Black by Jawbreaker:

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Hawthorn and I are back to being best friends which is to say hanging out, talking more openly and having a much more clearly defined only friends boundary.  I’m still upset about it.  I’m really trying to let it go and move on.  I’m not even sure why I’m so upset.  I mean, honestly he would have driven me crazy eventually.  I can see clearly all the reasons it wouldn’t work out between us in the long run.  And yet, I’m still really grieving over that relationship.  I’m not sure if starting to date again will help or not.  I’m trying really hard not to just sit a dwell on my own sorrow over the whole thing.

I signed up for online dating (again) and have been futzing with it for about a week.  I have been actively trying to convince myself otherwise, but really, I find it more upsetting than useful, so probably I’ll shut it down again.  I’ve conversed with some seemingly interesting people, I guess.  But I can’t even really get excited about going out with any of them  And it feels more like unpleasant work to keep a conversation going than anything else.

I guess meeting someone else is the right step in getting past the Hawthorn thing? Even if it is only a rebound thing?  I don’t know.  I feel like I dealt with the whole situation alright for most the week but today I find myself really weepy and upset about it again.  I guess that I made it through more the 20 minutes with the online dating thing is progress, but I still burst into tears every time Hawthorn vaguely suggests that he might interested in casually seeing someone else in the future. Two steps forward, one step back, maybe?

The worst part is that I feel so frustrated and stonewalled by my own inability to deal with this.  I really don’t want to cry any more.  I don’t want to feel rejected and hurt.  I want to move on.  I really am trying to let go of it.  I mean it seems like seven months should be a fair amount of time to heal myself, at least of this little bit of my problems.  It seems no one has advice for me beyond being more active, going out and meeting people.  And I am exercising a lot more, but I feel like I have enough energy(mentally and emotionally) to go to work, to manage my interactions with my family and to barely maintain my close long standing friendships.  The idea of going out more, socializing more, just seems like a huge burden.  But I don’t want to be stuck here alone with my problems.  The idea of finding something else to focus on, to think about, to be involved in is great but I just can’t seem to get there.  I kind of wish someone else would just take responsibility and tell me what to do.  Give me a task to deal with each day and hold me accountable to moving forward.  Though truthfully that seems like so much pressure that I would just crumble under it.

I need to remind myself that I have good days and bad days.  The bad days seem farther apart and less frequent.  I am progressing.  Today’s positivityWhat if I didn’t have to punish myself to get the lesson? I mean I’m pretty sure there’s enough sadness and suffering int he world without me making more for myself, right?  I will try and treat myself as kindly as I treat my friends when they are hurting.  I am not going to ask what is wrong with me, because nothing is wrong with me.  I cannot berate myself into feeling better.  I will not bring myself down more by being angry with myself for feeling hurt.  I will try to break the cycle of being hurt by things I can not control.

I’m not the kind of person who could say to someone, “I’m sorry but I don’t value your friendship enough to put up with your bullshit.” But I kind of wish I was.  Or I wish I could find a nice, drama free way to extricate myself from situations where I want to say that.  I feel so full of petty meanness sometimes that I might explode with it. Even when I know it isn’t petty meanness but just the realities of the world.

I’ve been paying lip service to simplifying my life for a long time.  Getting rid of things, less possessions, less, desire, less grief.  But I guess I need to get rid of people as much as I do my possessions.  I don’t need 75 half-assed friends any more than I need 12 places settings when I only own two chairs.  But it’s not like you can call people up and say, “Oh, by the way, I just don’t get enough out of this relationship to make up for the effort I’m willing to put into it.”  Though maybe the world would be better place if all said things like that when we really need too.

In my case I don’t think it would change much but maybe to alleviate some of my guilt.  I don’t have a lot of external drama in my life, I don’t stand for it from other people.  I guess I wish I had more to give the people I really love, the people I’ve shared my life with over the last 10, 15 and 20 years.  My emotional resources are still limited and I do feel some guilt that I’m not giving enough back to my friends.  So maybe that’s why I feel some need to pick and choose who my friends are, like I can only distribute so much so I need to make the pool smaller?  Ugh, that sounds petty and cruel too.

I don’t think this is something I’ll be acting on, but it’s definitely something to think about.  Maybe not exactly shrinking the pool of friends, but who I really want around me and why.  To that end I’ve told Hawthorn that I really need him and really want him, but only as a friend and that any incursions across that line will sever what we have. Cruel.  But necessary, I think, for both of us to know where we stand.  I don’t think there’s anything left to say to Oak.  Cedar told me that he loves me no matter what and wants me around whether it’s friendship or romance.  I’ve drawn a line at friendship there too. But that’s friendship I want, something that’s transcended 25 years and is still strong.  I hope I can have that with Hawthorn one day too.

Some positive spin on Mercury Retrograde.  To sum up her long article: “Which makes the truth of the Mercury retrograde matter really quite simple: the trivial frustrations we’re forced to deal with when concealed information comes to our attention always pale in comparison to the intellectual power that becomes available to us whenever it does. Always. ”  So I will take that as part of my current meditations being timely and run with it.


Last night as I was falling asleep, I imagined that I was a potted plant.  Left too long in a too small pot, my roots became bound, knotted and crushed.  Watered both too often and too little at varying times, my leaves flourished and withered, grew stunted and strange.  I was unceremoniously yanked from that pot, with no thought to the injury of my leaves, crushed and broken by gripping hands, no thought to the tearing and breaking of my roots as they stuck to the sides of the old pot.  Eventually I was replanted in a larger, perhaps too large, pot, filled with good, organically rich soil, but yet still watered too much or too little by varying turns and left in burning sunlight and dark corners at random intervals.  Eventually I found myself where I am now: strong enough to bear the elements, water and light, whether too much or too little and only just discovering that I can start reaching my roots out in to better, more nutrient soil.  Only just now realizing what that will mean to the growth and spread of my leaves.

This morning I’ve been thinking too much and I think it’s fair to say that, that as we creep up on May, I have cried every day for two years now.  For every day that I haven’t cried, there’s been another day that I’ve cried twice.  I’m letting all of that go.  Over 700 days, it’s hard to imagine what even kicked off each of those teary instances.  Each one floats away like cherry petals on the wind today.

Here are some more timely bits for my current meditations: Tiny Wisdom on Suffering and On Letting Go of a Relationship.  I think I have been doing mostly the right things with my recent choices, but perhaps working so hard to hold onto my friendship with Hawthorn has made it harder to let the relationship part go.  I suppose I do need to sit down with him and make sure he knows how I feel in a way that satisfies me, and let him have his say, even if I know it will hurt.

Also my Breszny-scope this week:

Taurus Horoscope for week of April 7, 2011
The hydrochloric acid in our digestive system is so corrosive it can dissolve a nail. In other words, you contain within you the power to dematerialize solid metal. Why is it so hard, then, for you to conceive of the possibility that you can vaporize a painful memory or bad habit or fearful fantasy? I say you can do just that, Taurus — especially at this moment, when your capacity for creative destruction is at a peak. Try this meditation: Imagine that the memory or habit or fantasy you want to kill off is a nail. Then picture yourself dropping the nail into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Come back every day and revisit this vision, watching the nail gradually dissolve.


This week I am going to actively work on embracing my Vipassanā meditation and related studies instead of just paying them much lip service.  I’ve got books to read and guided meditations (for newbies) to get myself back into it and start centering myself again.  At the risk of over structuring myself in the near future I am going to make a point to leave open time that will ideally be either reading or sewing, both activities that pull me out of myself and leave me feeling better.  I am not rushing it, but also working setting in motion finding a martial arts teacher as well.

I realized this morning, when sort of half awake, that I haven’t taken Klonopin more than once a week since, well, since I started feeling stuck and like I wasn’t getting better.  Which is to say that I suspect the Klonopin was going a long way towards making me feel better.  As always with any drugs, I’m on the fence with this.  I have no real fear of dependence on it, if I need it, I need it. And, really, I’m not sure why I haven’t been taking it, except perhaps I don’t need it right now? Still I’m sure that’s a big part of how overwhelmed I’ve been feeling by my emotions, since they aren’t currently being blocked or blanketed in the way they were in the many weeks following the break up.  This isn’t going to stop me taking it when I think I need it, but I guess I have unintentionally become more selective about how I use it.  I’m certain this is a good thing.

I was thinking last night about Letting Things Go, and what some of those things are.  I feel like when you look at my last three or four years and the number of friends and lovers that have passed from my life, at the amount of actual trauma I’ve been through, at the lack of support I’ve had (though much more from my lack of expressing need for it, than lack of people to offer it) it feels like a miracle that I’m still here functioning as well as I am.  But I want to take all of those things and push them away into the past.  I can not be convinced that many of them even need “dealing with” to push them back.  I just want to release them all, let it go and keep moving forward into whatever comes next.  I am tired of, exhausted by, carrying all of those things.  I am just going to set them down, right here, by the side of the road.  I will hold on to the still precious pieces that I feel like still need some care before they are set free (Hawthorn, my teeth, a few other small bits) and just keep moving on until I get to the place where I can set those things down as well.  Forward, one foot in front of the other, with already a lighter load and knowledge of increasing lightness in my future.