You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘joy’ tag.

I survived the dentist initial appointment.  The prognosis isn’t as bad as I’d feared.  Lots of work done in the next couple months, but then shiny new teeth!  Healthier mouth! Improved self confidence!  Hopefully it won’t be too painful, but the new dentist was really nice.

I am trying to focus on the next few steps to getting my health back in order.  August is filled with travel and lots of work, but hopefully I can start on medical doctor appointments in September and move toward getting the rest of me straightened out.

Overall I think I continue to be on an upswing, although Hawthorn is certainly dating again and that knocked me back a bit.  I feel wretchedly sad and incredibly hurt by it, though at the same time I am so so so so very tired of feeling like this, of being upset over him, of the whole thing.  I am really trying to shake it off in as much as that may be possible.  Looking back to the questions I’ve answering here recently, indeed, what if I didn’t need to punish myself? I mean, really, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.  And not just because it’s unproductive and damaging, but because Hawthorn seems to be doing enough of it himself with his poor timing and selfish insensitivity.

Things I clearly should have been meditating on over the weekend instead of being miserable about Hawthorn (though in my defense, I woke up sick on Saturday and he thrust the news of the dating on me immediately by texting me and telling me I needed to read his email right now, so he could be simultaneous cowardly and callous about his ‘news’) that I meant to write about last week:

“My song requires them all.”  I do need to work more on being grateful for what I have.   I am very aware of being a ‘have’ rather than a ‘have not.”  I live in the safest, cleanest, most comfortable time in history.  I live in the lap of luxury compared the majority of people int he world in my era.  I am surrounded by beauty and I want for nothing.  It’s hard to enjoy and take in stride because I just feel so bad all the time and I perpetuate it by making myself feel worse, as if I need to punish myself more for not enjoying what I have.  I will love the day.  Today I love to gorgeous mist that spread over fields of grazing horses as I drove to work.  I love the ease and convenience of my life.  I love the choices I have, even when they seem to scary to make.  I will love this day.  I will love this day.

And from here I steal only one small line, “At the same time, I’m grateful that I’m sad, because if I wasn’t, that would mean I never had any good times…” I am grateful for my sadness, as per above, because my song does require them all. I can not know, can not recognize my future joy (which I’m sure is coming) unless I have something to contrast it against.  I can not see the color purple unless I know all the other colors exist.

I will do more to embrace the whole.  I will find joy in every day and I will love that day for every experience it brought me.  Every minute of all of it moves me along, moves me toward the future, which is unknown and will contain suffering, but surely will contain equal parts of joy and love to balance out the loss.  I believe this and I will try to be better at living it.  Into every garden rain must fall to bring the flowers, winter must come to renew the earth.  Even as my own personal rain falls now, it surely must mean that spring awaits.

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I’m not the kind of person who could say to someone, “I’m sorry but I don’t value your friendship enough to put up with your bullshit.” But I kind of wish I was.  Or I wish I could find a nice, drama free way to extricate myself from situations where I want to say that.  I feel so full of petty meanness sometimes that I might explode with it. Even when I know it isn’t petty meanness but just the realities of the world.

I’ve been paying lip service to simplifying my life for a long time.  Getting rid of things, less possessions, less, desire, less grief.  But I guess I need to get rid of people as much as I do my possessions.  I don’t need 75 half-assed friends any more than I need 12 places settings when I only own two chairs.  But it’s not like you can call people up and say, “Oh, by the way, I just don’t get enough out of this relationship to make up for the effort I’m willing to put into it.”  Though maybe the world would be better place if all said things like that when we really need too.

In my case I don’t think it would change much but maybe to alleviate some of my guilt.  I don’t have a lot of external drama in my life, I don’t stand for it from other people.  I guess I wish I had more to give the people I really love, the people I’ve shared my life with over the last 10, 15 and 20 years.  My emotional resources are still limited and I do feel some guilt that I’m not giving enough back to my friends.  So maybe that’s why I feel some need to pick and choose who my friends are, like I can only distribute so much so I need to make the pool smaller?  Ugh, that sounds petty and cruel too.

I don’t think this is something I’ll be acting on, but it’s definitely something to think about.  Maybe not exactly shrinking the pool of friends, but who I really want around me and why.  To that end I’ve told Hawthorn that I really need him and really want him, but only as a friend and that any incursions across that line will sever what we have. Cruel.  But necessary, I think, for both of us to know where we stand.  I don’t think there’s anything left to say to Oak.  Cedar told me that he loves me no matter what and wants me around whether it’s friendship or romance.  I’ve drawn a line at friendship there too. But that’s friendship I want, something that’s transcended 25 years and is still strong.  I hope I can have that with Hawthorn one day too.

I’m so scattered this week I can’t even keep my commitments to myself.  There was no list this week.  Although my priorities this week were down time in the evenings on the assumption that my new position at work would take all my mental and emotional capabilities.  And I’ve been pretty successful in that.  So YAY ME!

I am definitely feeling extra sketchy and anxiety filled lately.  But less depressed and run down. Which might be a fair trade off. Okay, well no anxiety, fatigue or depression would be best, but I’ll take two out of three because it’s better than none.

Here are some good things:

Work.  It’s boring and weird and confusing and hard.  But it’s a job and it’s always changing and it’s filled with learning.  And you know, it feels good to learn when working and it’s a job that is something.  I’m not selling, buying or processing anything (thanks, Lloyd) and that actually means something to me.  I feel appreciated in the work I do and I hope to continue to do well enough to stay there and keep learning more.

Hawthorn.  He’s still a mixed bag, we’re still in a limbo that’s going to end with some boundary setting.  But he’s been a good friend and I find I can set aside how angry I am with him some times and just enjoy having someone I trust as a friend.

My apartment.  My landlord is amazing.  I love having my own space and not cleaning up after other people or feeling like my space is being intruded on or worrying about other people when I already spend enough time worrying about myself.

Books.  I think they have been saving my sanity for most of my life.  I need to not ever forget that.

Sunshine.  Even when it’s scorchingly hot, even when I’m complaining about unseasonable weather, I still love it.  It’s like my brain is batteries that only run on sunshine. It’s been a very wet and dark spring here. And yeah, I don’t like the butt sweat of the 90+ degree days this early int he year, but oh sunshine I love you even when you hurt me, never leave me, baby, never leave.

And hey, I don’t have cancer! Or at least I don’t have malignant, spreading, icky, dangerous cancer.  I have benign keratoses and need to be checked for the res t of my life, but won’t kill me so HOORAY!  Also I got my stitches out.  I no longer have stitches in my snatch (Ha!  I’ve been dying to say that out loud, but I haven’t had the right audience).

A few quick things on my mind before I fall into bed:

I just realized how much I am looking forward to April!  April is when life (spring) begins by my reckoning.  I’m getting a (sort of) surprise visit from some loved family members to kick off the month, then a weekend with Wisteria and some of my closest longtime girlfriends, then Dandelion’s wedding (which I am crazy excited about) and then my birthday at the end!  What a month! And it will surely be full of sun and flowers (and rain and leaves)! Hooray!

I had a nice evening with Hawthorn, mostly we talked about work, but it was a good, healthy sort of unloading and getting it out (mainly project talk and coworker gossiping, but we don’t do that at work, so sometimes we need to outside of work).  I do still feel angry with him and I think we will have to have a long heart to heart in the next few weeks or so, just so I can make sure he understands how I feel now that I’ve had so much time to work it out.  I think for closure on this I really need to genuine “I’m sorry I hurt you” apology (as opposed to the “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt” fauxpology).

My rage of earlier in the week was very definitely hormonal.  I’d just like to record for my future reference that the emotional upheaval and disturbance around my cycle and the physical pain associated with it are getting consistently worse and lasting for more days in a row.  Related: as I suffered incredible, sharp stabbing pain in my breast today, which I’m repeatedly assured is just normal and I only need to worry about if it continues after menopause, I was struck by how angry I am about women’s place in the world.  It’s all well and good that we can sue for wage discrimination, that we are supposed to be treated as equals, that we are no longer considered property, but when will we really get to be equal? When will women’s medicine get funding equal to that of what erectile dysfuction gets?  When will we finally be so fed up with quietly suffering pain that we ask for it to be changed?  When will we really learn to speak up for ourselves and not resign ourselves to being paid less, to being talked down too, to the assumption that we’ll still do women’s work, that we’ll do all of this while bearing the pain of childbirth, the pain of simply having a reproductive system?  When will we take ownership of the world enough that we stop accepting food and packaging and products that disrupt our nervous, endocrine and reproductive systems so much more than they do men’s but we still accept our place as being one of suffering and let it happen.

*cough* Um, yeah, I was definitely feeling like we aren’t doing enough for each other, ourselves or the world today. Stupid body pains. Alright, Imna take my hormones and go wonder why I’m not married to Wil Wheaton, or bedding Colin Farrell.  Stupid hormones making me a parody of  stereotypes. *grumble grump*