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I should mention, I guess, that this is an excellent outlet for my rage, anxiety and personal misfortune.  But I am having a perfectly lovely evening.  Got lots of chores done, ate a fine dinner, bathed and am listening to Bob Dylan and answering person emails.  I feel calm and at ease in my house.  (No storms is probably going a long way to that end.)

I do actually feel better over all.  Last night being the exception to the rule, the panic attacks are drastically reduced.  I find I can often deal with everyday things with out a thought about it being effort.  I can manage cumbersome awful tasks, like having a chunk of flesh cut out of my vagina to be biopsied (results were god news on that front, not exactly all clear, but positive news).  I do feel however, like the more aware I am of how much better I am doing, I am also more aware that something is wrong with me.

I have the worst PMS imaginable.  Well I’m sure many ladies have it worse than me, but it’s bad.  Basically about TEN days beforehand I get crazy.  Like swinging between rage and depression.  And I can actually separate myself from it enough to know what’s causing it, but the emotions feel, er, ARE real , so it mostly sucky.  I also kind of sick, like morning sickness, from the hormones for a couple days.  Then I have about 6 days of feeling bloated, fatigued and lethargic, then bleeding.  It’s fun being a girl.  Anyway, I have a lot of intellectual rage tied up in this because I fel like so much of what goes on with women medically is written off to us being crazy or it just being a mystery.  The number of times I’ve been told, “well, it’s just like that for some women,” is infuriating.

In addition to being sent off for biopsy, I was diagnosed with mucosal vitiligo and ovarian cysts (that was the pain that sent me to the doctor in the first place, it’s been going on for a while, but it’s been getting worse, “coincidentally as the PMS stuff has been getting worse).  So I did some research and while I recognize the dangers of diagnosing oneself on the internet, it turns out there’s a few endocrine disorders that aren’t life threatening but symptoms include vitiligo, ovarian cysts and an interuppted insulin cycle that causes pretty dramatic mood changes rotating with a woman’s cycle.  So I’m working on getting into an Endocrinologist for a battery of yucky blood tests (easier said than done, but I’ll make it happen) because I’m really tired of being told that my womanly workings are mysterious and nothing can be done about them, because while it’s mild comparatively to many diseases it is affectly me and I really feel like something is wrong with me.  And who knows, maybe it can be cured with a better diet and more exercise or something, but I really need to feel better all month long.  I also started taking iron supplements a few days ago and I actually think they are making me feel more focussed and energetic (not in a speedy way, just in a feel more normal way).

I can never remember how much of any of this I’ve talked about here (I have an aversion to rereading past entries, it just seems like asking to be upset), so I might be repeating myself on a lot of this, but man, I’d like to be getting better already, you know?

Ugh ugh ugh.  I am full of stiff, painful tension everywhere.  I went to bed early last night with possibly a migraine, possibly a combo barometric pressure/tension headache (nausea, light sensitivity and but a weirder pain than I’d previously associated with migraines–bilateral and tight). I am going to make my physical therapy appointments next week.  Remind, okay?  I was talking to a coworker this morning whose wife works at a branch of the clinic I”m going to and the conversation reminded me of mow much better this will make me feel.  Also my regular therapist has started pointing out how much my shoulders bunch up when I talk about some things. Yes, I really need to get on the physical part of treatment.

Of course moving day is tomorrow too and I’m hoping to have some relief of tension once that is done too.  And I think at my next doctor’s appointment I’m going to revisit the medication thing.  I was thinking about it driving home last night and yes, I really do feel way better than I did 8 weeks ago, but better does not equal good or even level and normal.  So once I’m moved and settled I’m going to revisit the SSRI question.  I’ve had three people tell me int he last week how much Cymbalta has helped them, so I guess I’ll ask my doctor about moving completely out of the class of drugs we started with.  I admit I am still somewhat resistant to the idea of medication at all, but I’m afraid I might have hit a peak of feeling better and I need to keep improving, I can’t level off where I am right now and be as effective in life and at work as I need to be.   Also I don’t know for sure that I notice if I feel better or worse when I take the St. John’s Wort, but I think I feel better when I forget to take it.  I guess with that and the Lexapro and the Zoloft I’m wondering if whatever the serotonin factors are with that stuff isn’t what is making me feel so fuzzy and removed and unclear in my thinking?  So if it’s going to be drugs, the more I read and talk to people about it, the more I definitely feel it needs to be a different kind of drug.

Exercise and physical therapy are definitely the two key points I’m missing as well.  So post moving means getting back into a routine again, instead of the chaos life currently seems to be.

Work, with the new position, is ramping up to crazy stressful pretty quickly, so I definitely need to get everything else in hand so I can manage life.  I came in today already in trouble for not having done something right.  This is something I couldn’t have known, and the person that has to talk to me about it knows I couldn’t have known, but I hate making mistakes and I have so much else to worry about.  Plus I need to revisit some of my work habits and get into a different kind of planning mode.  I’m overwhelmed.  I know how to do everything being asked of me.  I have confidence in my skills at work (why can’t I be this together in my personal and emotional life?). I’m glad to have the position I do, but it is a lot to think about and organize when my head is already full.

Miles to go before I’m me again.