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Mood not improved.  More storms last night.  It’s been really bad here the last couple days.  Much of my neighborhood without power after it having just been restored yesterday.  Hawthorn at the top of the shit list in big letters for not coming over, picking me up and whisking me off to someplace safe after I expressed fear over last night’s storms and being in the house alone (other tenants in my little 28 Barbary Lane are out of town, so even if I went to the storm cellar I’d have to do it by myself).  This like one of those tests where he probably couldn’t win.  Hawthorn’s failure isn’t completely on him, but the only proper answer last night would have been, “I’m on my over to pick you up, you can stay here through the storm”  (or I might have accepted, “I’m coming over there to sit with you in your storm cellar, or at least watch the news with you and decide if we need to go to the storm cellar”).  And what I got was, “If you get scared later when the storm starts, feel free to call me.”  So this morning I’m exhausted and feel wretched (I just ate a donut which makes it all exponentially worse as the sugar is already making me nauseous) and he’s cheerful and quizzing me on why I didn’t call him. “What good would that have done me?” I asked.  He had no answer except to offer to get me more coffee.

Yes, I recognize how hard it is for people to live up to my expectations when I don’t even tell them what those expectations are.  Yes, I have people I can call for support besides Hawthorn.  But hey, my problems are still much the same as they ever were.  I have a terrible time asking for help.  I have an even worse time expressing vulnerability to people. Hawthorn I can express vulnerability to.  And almost ask for help. And still get angry at him when he doesn’t read my mind.  It’s not fair and I do see how ridiculous it is, but it is what it is.

And I realize how petty this all sounds, but here I am, I’m just exhausted, hormonal, and feeling a little overwhelmed.  My family has been helpfully stressing me out via phone all week.  Work is fine, just you know, busy and requiring, like, actual thinking.

I’m writing this at work in tiny spurts while doing actual work, and I pause to do some work and realize that sometime this week, while he was in the office after hours, Hawthorn wrote “bunnyz” and “owls” on the bottom of all of my to-do lists and work related lists.   And now I’m not mad anymore.  SIGH.

All my plans this week have been derailed one way or another and tonight is no exception.  Maybe I’ll try and spend an evening working on creative projects, finishing some left laying around, or focusing on meditation and vipassana in an attempt to re-center myself after this week’s hormonal and mental and weather derailment. Maybe I’ll mentally add bunnies and owls to all my internal lists and see if still makes me smile.

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No, I didn’t die in last week’s storms. Yes, I have been very lax in posting.  I got a promotion at work which means much less time to screw off.  And well, still no couch at home and when I’m there I feel like I should be actively involved in unpacking or organizing, or something, and thus, not writing.  Of course I’m not really getting much unpacking organizing done either since I don’t have shelves or much of place to keep things besides in boxes.  It’s getting there, though, slowly.

I had therapy yesterday for the last time for a while.  I’m taking a hiatus.  I just can’t seem to settle into  making it as useful as I want it to be. Partly because I’m thinking of my larger problems as something I’ll deal with when I’m settled and I’m not settled yet, so it feels like it’s taking up time that I could be getting settled with, or relaxing or taking care of myself.  And therapy doesn’t feel like taking care of myself right now, it feels expensive and useless.  So, I’ve discussed it with my therapist and I’m planning on starting back around May 1, unless I decide I really need it in the interim.  I don’t think I’m in a place to just stop, so I really do intended to go back.  And honestly, if my insurance was covering it, I might just go to go, but since it’s crazy expensive, out of my pocket and all, I’m gonna hold off for a bit.

Also I really need to get on the physical therapy for my shoulder and neck.  The work promotion is great, but I can’t be going to a bunch of different appointments during the day all the time, so I’ve also opted to use what time I can flex out during the day for physical therapy appointments.

All that said, I actually got some work done in my therapy session last night.  I have plan for dealing with my further dental surgeries, and permission not to beat myself up to make it happen immediately but, I think a good way to get myself through it, so that was comforting to walk out with in my head.

I feel like I spent my whole weekend moving things, in furniture stores or at Home Depot, which was boring, frustrating and expensive.  And still I have no couch.  On Saturday Oak went with me to pick up Hawthorn’s chairs for my temporary use. And then we went and had lunch.  I haven’t completely gathered my thoughts on Oak being back.  After I broke up with him I told myself a lot of stories about his bad qualities to justify my actions.  When things were bad with Hawthorn, I think I really romanticized Oak’s good qualities to punish myself for choosing Hawthorn.  Now, I think Oak is still exactly who he ever was, the same mix of good and bad.  And I enjoy his company, but I can safely say that I only enjoy it limited amounts and for certain activities.  Because while many of his ‘bad’ qualities aren’t really bad, his no-nonsense practical approach to everything can seem really dark sometimes and kind of brings me down.  And if I don’t catch him in a good mood I find I spend all of our time together ineffectively trying to cajole him back to good humor and it never works and just leaves both of us exhausted and annoyed.  But when he’s up and chatty and we’re just taking a walk in the park I do love his company.

Almost all of this is true about Hawthorn as well, though in a different way.  When I’m not his girlfriend and his thoughtless, selfish actions don’t directly affect my life, then I do enjoy his company.  I like to go see music and art with him (both things Oak never seems to want to do) and I like talking him.  Despite everything, I feel like he’s actually listening to me now, when I talk.

So yesterday, I swung by Hawthorn’s house, with some friends who want to buy the shelves I have left there.  And after they left I was talking to Hawthorn, just BS about the day and he gave me a hug and started to tear up.  And you know, I really do feel bad for him, banging around by himself in that big, empty house.  Yes, of course he did it to himself, but it was his own thoughtlessness and lack of foresight that did it and not any maliciousness on his part.  I had to be somewhere to meet someone, so I told him to come over to my house in an hour and I’d make him dinner.

I wasn’t going out of my way, since I made exactly what I would have done with or with him there, but he seemed very grateful.  And so we just sat (stood–no kitchen table or chairs yet) and talked about both mundane and serious things.  He expressed several times that he couldn’t believe I still anything to do with him at all after everything. And also how tired he was about feeling angry and toxic all the time (from his divorce, not from me–his son is applying to college and this is forcing Hawthorn into a lot unwanted interaction with his ex-wife).  And I was sympathetic and as supportive as I could be, since I don’t think being mean gets me anywhere in situations like this, hurt feelings or not.  And then he helped me hang my mirrors (I can leave the house knowing if I look schlumpy or not now, yay!) and hovered a bit trying be helpful in any way he could, but left before he overstayed his welcome.  And you know, it was a nice evening with a friend.  I’m sorry that it’s still tinged with so much suffering for both of us, but I hope the real parts of our friendship endure through all these hard parts.

I hope the same for my friendship with Oak as well.  But as I told a friend this weekend, I am going to want to have sex again and I will probably want to have sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with, haven’t been in a relationship with and am not going to get into a relationship with.  And there’s a good chance this will be someone I know and our social community is small enough that conceivably either or both Oak and Hawthorn would find out whether I told them or not.  And in the wobbly balance of my current friendships with them, I’m pretty sure having sex with someone else would reveal how true the intentions of either of them are for friendship.  I suspect Hawthorn would be jealous but would get over it, and Oak would lecture me on the inappropriateness of it and then, perhaps even unintentionally, distance himself from me, but people are unpredictable so I could be very wrong on both counts.

I am just tired and whiny and bitchy today.  I don’t even have it in me to make a thoughtful post about how I’m feeling.  I started one about my relationship with my mom but it’s far too soon for that.  I suspect that needs years of therapy.

It’s icy and miserable out.  I have PMS.  The weather conspired to make coffee happen way later for me this morning.   Did I mention icy and miserable? Wah wah wah!

I do feel like I’m feeling better.  Maybe?  I feel fairly pathetic still.  I haven’t done anything all week but work and watch episodes of Dead Like Me and surf the internet.  Being social still feels sort of insurmountable, beyond a few friends and what’s required for work. But I think maybe I’ve smiled more and been occasionally gleefully silly in the last couple days, so that seems like progress.  On the other hand, side effects and all have made it hard to tell how much is me feeling crappy and how much is crappiness brought on by chemical nastiness.  The problem right now is I can identify side effects like nausea and dizziness.  But I feel lethargic, worn down and exhausted.  Is that just from carrying the weight of my world for so long or is it fatigue and somnolence as a side effect of the SSRIs?  I slept from about 9:30 last night to about 7:45 this morning, so I’m pretty sure I’m getting enough rest.  I definitely need more exercise but again kind of waiting for less side effects before I attempt much more in my life.

Today I’m also facing the reality of having to live with Hawthorn while being irritated with him all the time.   This morning when I tried to turn off the bathroom sink faucet I knocked over all the crap he left stacked on the sink edge.  When I went to fill the Britta which he left empty and found the kitchen sink I’d cleaned last night full of coffee grounds and mystery dirty dishes that should have been in the dishwasher. Yesterday when he left a dumbass, insensitive remark on my Facebook trying to be funny and apologized to me in person but not on FB.    Just stupid, bullshit stuff, like why it takes him 90 minutes longer to get ready in the morning than it takes me.  None of it is new stuff.  Just annoying and I’m already extra irritable today, but the idea that I’ll make it through March without incident seems impossible at this moment.

Waiting, rather impatiently, for my doctor’s office to call back and tell me if they are switching drugs on me or not.  That hopefully will not be the high point of my day.  Although I will be very thankful if they call it in to the pharmacy around the corner from my office and don’t make me drive over there.  I guess I’ll go eat lunch.  And maybe do some work.  Since I’m here anyway.

ETA – The word from the Doc is to half the dosage on the Lexapro and see how I feel in 5 days.  SIGH.

pretty picture included to offset all the negativity