You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘suffering’ tag.

I survived the dentist initial appointment.  The prognosis isn’t as bad as I’d feared.  Lots of work done in the next couple months, but then shiny new teeth!  Healthier mouth! Improved self confidence!  Hopefully it won’t be too painful, but the new dentist was really nice.

I am trying to focus on the next few steps to getting my health back in order.  August is filled with travel and lots of work, but hopefully I can start on medical doctor appointments in September and move toward getting the rest of me straightened out.

Overall I think I continue to be on an upswing, although Hawthorn is certainly dating again and that knocked me back a bit.  I feel wretchedly sad and incredibly hurt by it, though at the same time I am so so so so very tired of feeling like this, of being upset over him, of the whole thing.  I am really trying to shake it off in as much as that may be possible.  Looking back to the questions I’ve answering here recently, indeed, what if I didn’t need to punish myself? I mean, really, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.  And not just because it’s unproductive and damaging, but because Hawthorn seems to be doing enough of it himself with his poor timing and selfish insensitivity.

Things I clearly should have been meditating on over the weekend instead of being miserable about Hawthorn (though in my defense, I woke up sick on Saturday and he thrust the news of the dating on me immediately by texting me and telling me I needed to read his email right now, so he could be simultaneous cowardly and callous about his ‘news’) that I meant to write about last week:

“My song requires them all.”  I do need to work more on being grateful for what I have.   I am very aware of being a ‘have’ rather than a ‘have not.”  I live in the safest, cleanest, most comfortable time in history.  I live in the lap of luxury compared the majority of people int he world in my era.  I am surrounded by beauty and I want for nothing.  It’s hard to enjoy and take in stride because I just feel so bad all the time and I perpetuate it by making myself feel worse, as if I need to punish myself more for not enjoying what I have.  I will love the day.  Today I love to gorgeous mist that spread over fields of grazing horses as I drove to work.  I love the ease and convenience of my life.  I love the choices I have, even when they seem to scary to make.  I will love this day.  I will love this day.

And from here I steal only one small line, “At the same time, I’m grateful that I’m sad, because if I wasn’t, that would mean I never had any good times…” I am grateful for my sadness, as per above, because my song does require them all. I can not know, can not recognize my future joy (which I’m sure is coming) unless I have something to contrast it against.  I can not see the color purple unless I know all the other colors exist.

I will do more to embrace the whole.  I will find joy in every day and I will love that day for every experience it brought me.  Every minute of all of it moves me along, moves me toward the future, which is unknown and will contain suffering, but surely will contain equal parts of joy and love to balance out the loss.  I believe this and I will try to be better at living it.  Into every garden rain must fall to bring the flowers, winter must come to renew the earth.  Even as my own personal rain falls now, it surely must mean that spring awaits.

Advertisements

Hawthorn and I are back to being best friends which is to say hanging out, talking more openly and having a much more clearly defined only friends boundary.  I’m still upset about it.  I’m really trying to let it go and move on.  I’m not even sure why I’m so upset.  I mean, honestly he would have driven me crazy eventually.  I can see clearly all the reasons it wouldn’t work out between us in the long run.  And yet, I’m still really grieving over that relationship.  I’m not sure if starting to date again will help or not.  I’m trying really hard not to just sit a dwell on my own sorrow over the whole thing.

I signed up for online dating (again) and have been futzing with it for about a week.  I have been actively trying to convince myself otherwise, but really, I find it more upsetting than useful, so probably I’ll shut it down again.  I’ve conversed with some seemingly interesting people, I guess.  But I can’t even really get excited about going out with any of them  And it feels more like unpleasant work to keep a conversation going than anything else.

I guess meeting someone else is the right step in getting past the Hawthorn thing? Even if it is only a rebound thing?  I don’t know.  I feel like I dealt with the whole situation alright for most the week but today I find myself really weepy and upset about it again.  I guess that I made it through more the 20 minutes with the online dating thing is progress, but I still burst into tears every time Hawthorn vaguely suggests that he might interested in casually seeing someone else in the future. Two steps forward, one step back, maybe?

The worst part is that I feel so frustrated and stonewalled by my own inability to deal with this.  I really don’t want to cry any more.  I don’t want to feel rejected and hurt.  I want to move on.  I really am trying to let go of it.  I mean it seems like seven months should be a fair amount of time to heal myself, at least of this little bit of my problems.  It seems no one has advice for me beyond being more active, going out and meeting people.  And I am exercising a lot more, but I feel like I have enough energy(mentally and emotionally) to go to work, to manage my interactions with my family and to barely maintain my close long standing friendships.  The idea of going out more, socializing more, just seems like a huge burden.  But I don’t want to be stuck here alone with my problems.  The idea of finding something else to focus on, to think about, to be involved in is great but I just can’t seem to get there.  I kind of wish someone else would just take responsibility and tell me what to do.  Give me a task to deal with each day and hold me accountable to moving forward.  Though truthfully that seems like so much pressure that I would just crumble under it.

I need to remind myself that I have good days and bad days.  The bad days seem farther apart and less frequent.  I am progressing.  Today’s positivityWhat if I didn’t have to punish myself to get the lesson? I mean I’m pretty sure there’s enough sadness and suffering int he world without me making more for myself, right?  I will try and treat myself as kindly as I treat my friends when they are hurting.  I am not going to ask what is wrong with me, because nothing is wrong with me.  I cannot berate myself into feeling better.  I will not bring myself down more by being angry with myself for feeling hurt.  I will try to break the cycle of being hurt by things I can not control.