I got an email from my friend Dandelion last night asserting that she’s sorry she’s been absent (due to things in her own life) and that she’d like to be more present.  Of course I replied with love and welcoming of her renewed presence.  This is, surely a good thing.  Part of what had happened in the last year or two was a split from my long time best friend, which was not as hurtful maybe as everything else, as it was long time coming and I don’t feel like I bear any responsibility for the fracture of that relationship.  Still I lost a close friend which has made navigating some of this healing stuff harder than it would otherwise be.  However, I do know that I need to process and decompress the dissolution of that relationship and Dandelion is one of the few people I could have that conversation with who would really understand what had happened (Wisteria is another, but that will include processing it for both of us, which is, I think, different).  Also Dandelion was present for a lot of the stuff that led up to my break down period, so even even if she wasn’t around when it all went screwy, I think renewing friendship with her and talking about these things with her will be really helpful for me as I know her to be a good and fair listener and I don’t have to waste a lot of time explaining the background to why I feel the way I do.

This also got me thinking about how some people just give you what you need when you need it.  When I need to vent and or relax and feel strong female energy I call Violet and Calantha.  If I need to feel like someone loves me no matter what and won’t judge me I call Rose or Wisteria (and our long time tight knit group of friends) or Rowan.  If I need to laugh and remember there’s magic and humor in the world, I call my sister Dahlia.  I am glad to have these people, and all of you, and everyone around me in my life.  I am slowly recognizing that I need to be relying on my friends more and more, that they will not reject me, that they are already giving what I need without my asking and that I simply need to be present enough to see it.  Present.  In the moment.  And Mindful.

For anyone following along closely, here is the full text of the email exchange with Oak from yesterday mostly for my own recording and to note that even when I think he isn’t paying attention, or replying to everything, I know he’s noticing every detail, I just don’t always know what he’s thinking about it:

My initiating email:

I keep repeating, “I’m tired and I want to go home,” over and over in my head lately.  I’ve been talking with my therapist about living in the moment and not spending all my mental time waiting to get to the future, waiting for something to be different. I think it’s been at least three years or so since I felt at home some place, since I relaxed in a way that I associated with being at home.  Despite my current experimental practice of being more in the moment mostly I’m looking forward to moving, to having a place that’s mine, a place that I’m determined to make home, even it’s only for a year or two (because who knows what the future holds).

I think when we were together I spent the whole time thinking about the future and it just kept seeming farther and further away. I’m fairly certain that had we followed through on our plans, I would melted down anyway and it would have been bad for both of us.  I think, despite everything, that it is going to be a good thing for me to have a home to go too, here in a city where I have friends.  I think it’s equally good that I am going to be able to invite you there.  I’m looking forward  to being relaxed enough to really talk to you, to have a chance to be your friend. I really appreciate the support you’ve given me in the past weeks.  I don’t think there’s very many people in the world good enough to do what you’ve done for me given the circumstances. I’m glad you’re coming back here.  I hope the days between aren’t too wearing on you.

[s]

Oak’s reply:

[StarChickadee],

I think it’s going to be a great thing for you to have your own place. It’s probably the first of eleven steps to get your life on track, but it’s a big one.

I think the next six days are going to be rather difficult but I can almost taste the fresh air when I cross the Tennessee border.
[Oak]

My late night, emotionally exhausted, not well thought out response:

I wish there was as clear an answer for the next 11 steps as there is for this first one.  And yes, today I feel like I might not make it through the next 9 days, at least not without doing [Hawthorn] some kind of grievous harm.  Some days I really do feel like everything is okay.  Some days I feel like I might start screaming and never stop.  Today it’s a klonopin before bed and the consolation that tomorrow is only 8 more days.

[s]

Then I turned off my computer and phone took a Klonopin, a shower and went to bed for some much needed deep sleep.

I woke up this morning to find that last night Oak had sent me a text that said, “What did [Hawthorn] do?” And then left me a voicemail that said, “Just checking up on you.  You seemed upset in your email and I want to make sure that you’re okay.”  And then another text from this morning that said, “Were you able to get some good sleep last night?”  He’s a good boy.  I really don’t think things could have happened any differently int he last two years, but I am still very sorry that I did anything to hurt him.

Advertisements