I have a bad attitude today.  Everything single thing Hawthorn is doing is really irritating me.  Despite that he’s gone out of his way to be nice and helpful, even his nice and helpful is annoying to me today.  I’m tired, despite having gone to bed relatively early and slept in late.  I slept restlessly, had disturbing and distressing dreams and generally don’t feel rested at all.  It’s ‘normal’ insomnia for me, I guess, but it feels worse maybe because I haven’t been experiencing it as regularly.  I’m still taking the St. John’s Wort, but I haven’t taken Klonopin or anything to help me sleep in, uh, I guess three days.  I imagine tonight I’ll take something as I can’t take another day of feeling this rough.  I’m a sort of punching, kicking, mood to burn bridges mood.  The snow, ice and single digit temps aren’t helping, although Hawthorn did drive me to work so I didn’t have to overwhelm myself attempting the terrible road conditions.

I have in my inbox an unread email from Oak.  I’m not sure why I’m resisting reading it.  I realized the other night that it had been a few days since I’d heard from Oak and that our last few interactions had been brief and unsatisfying.  I decided that he probably had thought better of maintaining friendship with me and that was okay.  I mean really, I broke up with him, destroyed both our future plans, reset both our lives and then expect him to be supportive caring and helpful to me now? It does seem like too much to ask.  Of course with in an hour of me deciding this he called, just to chat and check up on me.  So last night I made my post about wanting to go home or having a home to go too and after I email Oak a poorly thought out email on the same subject.  Trying to express how both my relationship with him and my breaking up with him were related to my need to have a home, or a place to feel safe, and how sorry I was about how it had turned out but that maybe it was for the best that my emotional melt down hadn’t happened after he and I moving across the country together to someplace where I had a much smaller support system. And thanking him for being so kind and so good to still be supportive of me and to let me lean on him now, even after everything that happened. And how glad I was he was moving back here, giving us a chance to start over as friends.  Anyway, I can’t bring myself to read his reply.

Gmail lets me see the first line: “StarChickadee, I think it’s going to be a great thing  for you to have your own place. It’s…”  Oak is subtle and full of minute cues that you have to know to watch for.  Our names start with the same letter and when we were dating  we addressed each other in email only by first initial, capital for him, lowercase for me.  I recognize that for him this was a special part of our communication, a secret code between us.  But I started it and when I started it it was partly because I often simply sign my emails with my lower case first initial and it seemed right to give him the upper case, simply to distinguish.  So now I continue to sign emails as such, but he goes out of his way to sign his first name in email correspondence with me, and generally doesn’t address me by name or initial at all.  So the fact that he started this reply with my full first name is meaningful, though I surely won’t be able to tell you exactly how until I read the email. It is for this reason, I guess, that I’m simply dreading opening this email.  I have relied heavily on him in recent weeks.  He has been a kind, generous, king among men to allow me to do so. And yet, our current status, even as friends is very precarious and strange and undefined.  I often find myself wondering if I’ve crossed an unrecognized line since, as I said, he is very subtle and sometimes his cues can be missed. I wonder if my continued signing of emails with my small initial irritates or upsets him and yet I continue to do it with defiance since it is mine choose how I represent myself no matter what and I want to keep that signature as mine and not only representative as something we shared.  And I recognize how silly it is to be so stubborn about a little letter, but I see it as indicative of how tenuous our current connection is.  I am sure that once he gets back here and we can talk in person I will feel better about the whole situation, as then I can read him easily and do not have to worry about small cues in language usage alone.

There is not enough coffee int he world for em today, it seems.  Lunchtime already and I feel slow, sluggy, lethargic and worn down.  Maybe I’ve just once again hit my ‘too tired emotionally to deal with anything’ limit.  I keep forgetting how close that limit is and knocking up against it until we’re both bruised and battered.

Nine days until I move, surely I can keep it together until then, until I can get home?

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