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Happy St. Squalid’s Day!  I’m feeling it for sure.  Headachey and hot.  For some reason when I drink too much my metabolism goes into overdrive and I feel like my insides are overheating and I swear my skin feels feverish to the touch.  Too many Paddy’s Day beers with Oak last night.  Which was, well, obviously not a good idea.  And probably not really worth it.  I enjoyed talking to him. Really though, since he’s been back, the more time I spend with him the more disconnected I feel from him.  He spent most of the first 30 minutes complaining (the service was bad, the ladies at the next table were too annoying, the Guinness wasn’t draft, &c.) which just get exhausting for me really fast.  He did eventually apologize and say he’d stop complaining since it wouldn’t do anything, which was new for him, but still it set the tone for how I felt about the evening.

I wondered home, a nice warm evening walk through my neighborhood.  Caught up with a friend, as he walked with me for a few blocks, he mostly seemed concerned that I was okay post-break up (with Hawthorn) and all.  Which was genuine, wonderful concern for me, but it got me home feeling a little miserable and lonely.  So I did the only thing you can do when you’re home alone, lonely and little drunk: I made a tentative date with a hot guy.  Mind you, this isn’t a romantic, let’s-if-we-get-along-enough-to-fall-in-love date, no, this is more of a let’s-have-a-beer-and-see-if-I-can-persuade-you-to-have-sex-with-me date.  Because it’s way too soon for me for the first one and I’m confident that succeeding in the second one will help free me from leftover past relationship clingyness and jealousy.

Happy St. Squalid's Day! It's how we recover from Paddy's Day.

Of course in the sober light of day today I feel clumsy, awkward and slightly embarrassed about asking a boy out (especially this one), but I’ll push through.  I actually have very little shame in such matters, so it’s weird to see it manifest now.  I guess I feel like maybe I’m trying to get away with something here, because I know I only want to have sex with him (what normal, single guy says no to that though?), and because Moonflower dated him in the memorable past (although I asked her first and got her cheerful, excited blessing), and because this guy is someone all my friends know and it’s hard not to have everyone know my business in this neighborhood, but in this case, I’d prefer some privacy. So, um, I guess I am trying to get away with something.

I’m good, I think.  Panic attacks are definitely waning. The relentless insomnia is making me a little more unpleasant than usual.  But since Monday’s meltdown over Hawthorn annoying me, I’ve actually been on a fairly even keel.  I have been actively working on just letting things go, on embracing now and releasing myself from the need to be happy, rather working to settle with being satisfied.  I’m pushing for a calm weekend: more household nesting, dinner with Violet, maybe a park walk and a museum trip.  Life feels so much better and settled when I can calmly plan these things and not be stressing about relationships and furniture and moving and money.

I have big meeting in the morning.  I’m exhausted from working a 17 hour day yesterday.  I didn’t get most the things I wanted to do done tonight because I either needed another set of hands, or an implement I didn’t have.  I am cranky, miserable, mean and PMS-y. I want to be asleep.  I wanted to be asleep an hour ago.  But it’s storming crazy hard outside and I’m still freaked out from storms after last year’s floods.  I struggled to find an mp3 of ‘white noise’ for relaxation on my music player that didn’t contain rain sounds (I’m trying to blot it out with Monastery Garden right now).  I took Klonopin, but it hasn’t kicked in yet.  So I’m just sitting here tense, miserable and a little freaked out.

Okay, I was just about to say that writing was helping, but then the tornado sirens started going off and apparently I live much closer to them now and they are very loud. Ugh.  I’d really like to at least be curled up on the couch, but no, I don’t have a couch.  Straight line winds are hitting just south of here and

Okay, ten minutes have passed since I wrote that last bit.  It looks like the worst part has just passed over us.  Tornado sirens and emergency sirens everywhere.  85mph winds.  Still have power.

(ten minutes passed) Trees down everywhere.  A friend lost a big one over power lines a couple blocks away. Supposed to be just lesser rain and wind, that is to say, crazy storm but the tornado warning is passed.  Emergency sirens in every direction.

Posting, going to check in with folks as I can via text.