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I’m still feeling so much frustration around Hawthorn.  I am finally really beginning to clarify what I’m feeling and what I need to really be able to let it go, but I’m still not there yet.

Recently he’s been once again pushing at the boundaries I set about our interactions.  This forces me to think about him much more than what I want too (what I want is none, which is impossible since we work together, so I’m trying to keep it into reasonable, polite, work limits and no social interaction outside that).

I feel like he got his way in every single step of our relationship.  He insinuated himself into my life and pushed and pushed until I’d broken up with Oak, changed all my future plans, disappointed my family and moved in with Hawthorn.  I take responsibility for my choices in this, partly because at the time they seemed like really good choices. But once I’d uprooted everything, let go of the past and changed the entire course of my life for him, he broke up with me and caused me to have to uproot my entire new life and start all over again. And finally he insinuated himself as a friend  into my new again life, so that he was still part of my every day and the bulk of my life still centered around plans with him and thinking about him and being involved with him every way but sexually.

So I cut those ties and have been doing my very best to move on.  To do this my way, to have the interactions I want.  And, to some extent, to specifically make it not what he wants because he simply can’t always have it his way in relation t me.  Especially since he’s never acknowledged or apologized for how much damage he really did to my life in the last two years.

Fast forward to now and he’s pushing the boundaries of interaction again, once again forcing me to think about him when I don’t want to, to deal with him when I shouldn’t have too.  I was complaining about this to my girlfriends this morning and one said, “It’s like he keeps on doing to you what he did all along – demanding that you do it his way. 😦 Ugh. You have been very clear with him. I don’t understand why he keeps violating your boundaries.”  Which is how I’ve been thinking about it all along–why does he have to keep trying to have it his way?  He can’t always have it his way!  But my other friend finally clarified it for me in her response, “[Why does he have to keep pushing your boundaries?] To alleviate his own guilt. If he can be friends and show it’s all good, he won’t have to feel guilty. He just doesn’t get that by pushing he’s making it worse. He just wants you and the world (but mostly his conscience) to know he wasn’t really the bad guy.”

Which is exactly right.  And the fact is, he is the bad guy in this scenario.  He hurt me and no amount of pal-ing around can fix that.  Time, space and heartfelt apologies and acknowledgement of what he did can fix that and he hasn’t given me any of that.

So now I have to decide, having made it this far in discovering what’s still bothering me about this whole situation, do I approach him again and try and hash out the final details, what I need him to know, or do I just let it go?

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It is a gorgeous Saturday here.  I’m waffling between taking a nap and going more chores.  I got up very early this morning and now at 1:29pm I have completed a full day’s work.  Groceries are procured, from the very handsome, tattooed checker at the Publix.   I maybe regret not inviting him to the show tonight, but perhaps he’s married and our interaction was so pleasant that I didn’t want to taint it with anxiety or disappointment.  Laundry is done, though still demanding to be folded, but that won’t take but mere minutes and will probably be done shortly.  The kitchen is clean, the rugs are all shook out and vacuumed.  I hiked approximately 3 miles, maybe a third of it on rough trail, the rest paved.  The Greenway, where I hiked was filled with wildflowers, sprung forth from the rain Tropical Storm Lee dumped on us, I think. The insane abundance of flowers made for an equally insane abundance of butterflies. And despite the parking lot being full, I passed very few people in the park. A lovely morning all around.  I hit some garage sales on thw way back, though didn’t buy anything.  Yes, perhaps a nap is in order.  The only drawback is that this is Tennessee so I can’t go nap in the grass for fear of chiggers and ticks.  Still it’s been an abundantly lovely day, still to filled with meeting up with friends and going to see my friend play live music.  I have fantastic new shoes and clothes to wear out and maybe I’ll put up my hair.

I’d write more but it would only be about work or drama or other things less joyous than a beautiful Saturday, so I’ll save it, perhaps for a rainier day or lazier Sunday.