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Tomorrow I leave on a week long vacation.  Two vacations, really.  One more busy, businessy, with family and some friends and one, shorter, alone in a city I’ve never been to before.  The kind of trip I used to take all the time before the events of recent years seem to have diminished my spirit and filled me with fear.  I am nervous, but reasonably so, more concerned with cancelled flights and travel problems than with being alone, traveling alone or going into the unknown.  This is perhaps the biggest indication of how far away I am from the person I was at the beginning of this year.

I am trying to resist the urge to reach out to Hawthorn and tell him how much I miss him.  Because truthfully, while I do miss him, my motive is t make him him feel bad and it’s a terrible and petty impulse.  I’m moving on better than I’d imagined.  I believe there was magic the ceremony I performed the other night, or perhaps just simple power of ritual.  I’ve felt so much better since then.  The sadness, the loneliness, the sense of abandonment and bad decisions and everything else from the relationship is still there, still be dealt with a processed but it just doesn’t bite like it did.  As if it is merely a dull ache now, rather than a stabbing pain.  Now I fight with myself to be a better person, to not give into the impulse to try and make him feel bad.  I’m angry now, I feel maltreated, by Hawthorn, by myself, by circumstances beyond either of our control.  I want apologies and I want some acknowledgement of how hard it’s been for me, how much I’ve been wronged.  I’m not sure I’ll get it. And I’ll have to learn to accept that.  Hopefully I’ll get there without stooping to petty tactics meant only to incite.

I have vacation before me, days of new experiences.  Time to reflect and much time to busy to even think about my problems.  A week outside my head, outside my life and outside my problems.  And when I return home, Hawthorn will be gone on his own vacation, leaving me a week to adjust to life without him, to not even having to see him at work, to settle myself back into being myself and ready to deal with whatever is coming next in my life.

Hawthorn and I are back to being best friends which is to say hanging out, talking more openly and having a much more clearly defined only friends boundary.  I’m still upset about it.  I’m really trying to let it go and move on.  I’m not even sure why I’m so upset.  I mean, honestly he would have driven me crazy eventually.  I can see clearly all the reasons it wouldn’t work out between us in the long run.  And yet, I’m still really grieving over that relationship.  I’m not sure if starting to date again will help or not.  I’m trying really hard not to just sit a dwell on my own sorrow over the whole thing.

I signed up for online dating (again) and have been futzing with it for about a week.  I have been actively trying to convince myself otherwise, but really, I find it more upsetting than useful, so probably I’ll shut it down again.  I’ve conversed with some seemingly interesting people, I guess.  But I can’t even really get excited about going out with any of them  And it feels more like unpleasant work to keep a conversation going than anything else.

I guess meeting someone else is the right step in getting past the Hawthorn thing? Even if it is only a rebound thing?  I don’t know.  I feel like I dealt with the whole situation alright for most the week but today I find myself really weepy and upset about it again.  I guess that I made it through more the 20 minutes with the online dating thing is progress, but I still burst into tears every time Hawthorn vaguely suggests that he might interested in casually seeing someone else in the future. Two steps forward, one step back, maybe?

The worst part is that I feel so frustrated and stonewalled by my own inability to deal with this.  I really don’t want to cry any more.  I don’t want to feel rejected and hurt.  I want to move on.  I really am trying to let go of it.  I mean it seems like seven months should be a fair amount of time to heal myself, at least of this little bit of my problems.  It seems no one has advice for me beyond being more active, going out and meeting people.  And I am exercising a lot more, but I feel like I have enough energy(mentally and emotionally) to go to work, to manage my interactions with my family and to barely maintain my close long standing friendships.  The idea of going out more, socializing more, just seems like a huge burden.  But I don’t want to be stuck here alone with my problems.  The idea of finding something else to focus on, to think about, to be involved in is great but I just can’t seem to get there.  I kind of wish someone else would just take responsibility and tell me what to do.  Give me a task to deal with each day and hold me accountable to moving forward.  Though truthfully that seems like so much pressure that I would just crumble under it.

I need to remind myself that I have good days and bad days.  The bad days seem farther apart and less frequent.  I am progressing.  Today’s positivityWhat if I didn’t have to punish myself to get the lesson? I mean I’m pretty sure there’s enough sadness and suffering int he world without me making more for myself, right?  I will try and treat myself as kindly as I treat my friends when they are hurting.  I am not going to ask what is wrong with me, because nothing is wrong with me.  I cannot berate myself into feeling better.  I will not bring myself down more by being angry with myself for feeling hurt.  I will try to break the cycle of being hurt by things I can not control.