I’ve been having some weirdly inappropriate sex dreams lately.  Last night I dreamt I was walking with an acquaintance (who is probably 50 to 55) and it seemed like he was hitting on me but I wasn’t sure.  We got to the point where we were parting ways and I felt relieved but then my bus left with out me (passed me completely even though I was at the stop, on the curb and waiting) and so I went after this guy, intending to ask him to have sex with me.  I caught up with him much later after many shenanigans of changing clothes and calling girlfriends, and when I did find him he was quite drunk and trying to sing karaoke to me.  Fortunately I woke up before anything happened, but this probably the third dream I’ve had about having resigning myself to have sex with someone I’m only marginally attracted too who is also an utterly inappropriate partner.  Okay, brain, I get it, just having sex with anyone won’t solve my problems, I’ll be selective.  Jeez.

Speaking of boys, I have been seriously trying to sort out my feelings on that front.  I don’t think I’m ready to tackle a relationship, even a fairly casual one. Still, I’m determined to have sex, as I don’t think it’s fair to be denied that just because I’m single. But then I don’t want to come across as the low self esteem party girl who is up for anything. And I guess it’s harder than one would think to find a guy to just have sex with you.  Or not hard at all, but hard to find one who isn’t inappropriate and wouldn’t leave me feeling a little skeezy later.

Additionally I still have my sort of Junior High feeling of boy crazyness. For instance there’s a guy who comes into the bar where I work, often earlier in the evening, by himself, to eat, have a beer and read his book, but he ends up talking to me someone of the time.  Lately he’s been coming in more often and I swear I keep catching him looking at me and looking away.  Now, most of the guys I know that are my age are married or coupled off, so I generally don’t give them a second glance, but this guy and I recently because Facebook friends and I know that an FB status as ‘single’ doesn’t necessarily mean that, it does mean that he’s not married and bothered to list a relationship status rather than none at all.  ANYWAY, he commented on my Facebook last night and suddenly I was all giddy and dorky like I was 13 and exclaiming that he noticed me!  Wheee!  (Luckily I was home alone so no one had to witness this.)  And I feel like this is just a distraction, but definitely a welcome one.  If my choices are panicking and thinking too much about bad things I can’t control, focusing and studying meditation and relaxation techniques, or thinking useless giddy thoughts about a cute boy, then I pick #3, you know?  And I maintain that this isn’t the need a man to rescue and rule me thing I was bitching about yesterday, this is more like thinking about Domokun chasing kittens in a field.  Not serious, just fun.

In that same realm, Cedar and I are still emailing nearly every day, long long emails and it is still very much the high point of my day.  His overt bad (and good jokes) make me laugh so much and stay with me all day.  I feel like I’m getting the subtle nuances of everything he says as well.  I was thinking last night about communication.  I think I tried to talk once here about the study where couples that used the same language quirks got along better than those who didn’t.  And how I often feel like I have no idea what Hawthorn is talking about, like his references seem so out of left field, or he’s talking in something that seems like it should be shorthand almost code that partner would get that just goes right over my head.  But with Cedar it’s like we’re on exactly the same wavelength. Which makes sense since we had similar upbringings in the same location and knew each other when we were much, much younger, in our formative years, as it were.  But it isn’t just the language, I feel like he’s taking me really seriously in way no one has in a long time.  Like no matter what I talk about, flaky astrology talk, or having prophetic dreams, or my anxiety or whatever, it’s like he weighs and balances each thing and knows when to joke and when not too and seems to regard each part of me as something valuable and worth hearing about.  I never feel condescended too or like he doesn’t care about what I’m saying, no matter how personal or how other there whatever I’m going on about is.  Indeed he also seems to be full of as many random facts as I am, with some cross over.  So if I make an offhand reference to Freya’s Day, I’m treated to a Viking Saga story in return.  I am very much much looking forward to the trip he and I are taking in May.  I’m still maintaining that there isn’t a romantic thread in what’s happening with he and I, but I suppose I’m not willing to completely discount that yet either.  Still every interaction with him leaves me feeling very supported and hoping that I’ve done the same for him.  So there’s that.  I’m not sure what to do with it.