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I survived the dentist initial appointment.  The prognosis isn’t as bad as I’d feared.  Lots of work done in the next couple months, but then shiny new teeth!  Healthier mouth! Improved self confidence!  Hopefully it won’t be too painful, but the new dentist was really nice.

I am trying to focus on the next few steps to getting my health back in order.  August is filled with travel and lots of work, but hopefully I can start on medical doctor appointments in September and move toward getting the rest of me straightened out.

Overall I think I continue to be on an upswing, although Hawthorn is certainly dating again and that knocked me back a bit.  I feel wretchedly sad and incredibly hurt by it, though at the same time I am so so so so very tired of feeling like this, of being upset over him, of the whole thing.  I am really trying to shake it off in as much as that may be possible.  Looking back to the questions I’ve answering here recently, indeed, what if I didn’t need to punish myself? I mean, really, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.  And not just because it’s unproductive and damaging, but because Hawthorn seems to be doing enough of it himself with his poor timing and selfish insensitivity.

Things I clearly should have been meditating on over the weekend instead of being miserable about Hawthorn (though in my defense, I woke up sick on Saturday and he thrust the news of the dating on me immediately by texting me and telling me I needed to read his email right now, so he could be simultaneous cowardly and callous about his ‘news’) that I meant to write about last week:

“My song requires them all.”  I do need to work more on being grateful for what I have.   I am very aware of being a ‘have’ rather than a ‘have not.”  I live in the safest, cleanest, most comfortable time in history.  I live in the lap of luxury compared the majority of people int he world in my era.  I am surrounded by beauty and I want for nothing.  It’s hard to enjoy and take in stride because I just feel so bad all the time and I perpetuate it by making myself feel worse, as if I need to punish myself more for not enjoying what I have.  I will love the day.  Today I love to gorgeous mist that spread over fields of grazing horses as I drove to work.  I love the ease and convenience of my life.  I love the choices I have, even when they seem to scary to make.  I will love this day.  I will love this day.

And from here I steal only one small line, “At the same time, I’m grateful that I’m sad, because if I wasn’t, that would mean I never had any good times…” I am grateful for my sadness, as per above, because my song does require them all. I can not know, can not recognize my future joy (which I’m sure is coming) unless I have something to contrast it against.  I can not see the color purple unless I know all the other colors exist.

I will do more to embrace the whole.  I will find joy in every day and I will love that day for every experience it brought me.  Every minute of all of it moves me along, moves me toward the future, which is unknown and will contain suffering, but surely will contain equal parts of joy and love to balance out the loss.  I believe this and I will try to be better at living it.  Into every garden rain must fall to bring the flowers, winter must come to renew the earth.  Even as my own personal rain falls now, it surely must mean that spring awaits.

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