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I am having a really hard time this week.  I can not seem to pull it together to stop feeling self pitying and miserable.

It’s not just feeling down or blue.  I feel incredibly lonely, isolated and abandoned.  I know a lot of it comes from Hawthorn’s recent actions.  And the fact that he’s just a selfish asshole.  I so want to be over him already, over anything to do with him.  I wish my needing to have a job didn’t require me to share physical space with him every day.

I need to restructure my entire social life.  How I’m spending my time, who I’m spending it with, what I’m doing.  But I feel exhausted and overwhelmed all the time as it is, so I’m unsure about how to set this in motion.

I had dinner with Oak last night, which was simultaneously mildly pleasant and utterly, unbelievably awful.  In the context of discussing his current relationship and my current status of not dating out of apathy, he essentially told me that there’s ten pretty, smart girls just like me for every unmarried, undamaged, not alcoholic single guy my age (and that that ratio was even less in my favor in the city in which I live).  So I shouldn’t even bother dating and that I better figure out what I’m doing for work or decide that I like where I am because at my age my chances of meeting anyone are slim and as a woman probably whatever career I have now I’ll still be doing when I’m 60.  So I better pick something and settle into it, since I’m sure not to have anything else in my life until I die.   And on any regular day I’d just think he was a jerk that is wrong, but since I was already feeling defeated the entire evening was a huge blow to my sense of self worth.

I am at the beginning of two very long work days right now and won’t have any down time or even enough sleep to deal with any of this.  I’d like to meditate, I’d like to read.  I’d like to do some writing exercises or call a friend, but alas, it seems I will be working or sleeping from now until late, late Friday without reprieve.