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I feel yucky today.  It’s been a Monday for sure, already, even this early, and it’s hot here.  Like severe weather warning hot.  Ugh.  I have what feels like a blechy, blechy hangover.  I suspect it’s from crying so much in the last few days in the yucko heat.  Last Thursday morning Hawthorn told me he was in agreement with me that we should just be a friends (in regards to my boundary setting of the past few weeks) and that he was going to start seeing other people, cue me falling into a wretched puddle. It felt like, well it felt like when we first broke up.  I spent most of the weekend  crying, meditating, talking to a few friends and having some fairly intense exchanges with Hawthorn.  It’s all wound down now, or worn itself out, or I’ve worn myself out about it.  We seem to be basically where were before, good friends, no possibility of getting back together.  I’ve gotten maybe 3 of the 5 apologies I think he owes me.

I feel better about the level open communication we have.  I feel glad to have him as my friend.  I honestly do think us getting back together would be a terrible idea. And still the thought of him finding someone else knots my stomach and makes me want to choke on my own sadness.  I recognize that a lot that comes from my own issues and my perception of the situation: if he wants to be with someone else that means he broke up with me because I’m not good enough, not because he wasn’t ready for a relationship.   I’m trying really hard to let that go and make the space for both of us to move on.  It sucks still.

To that end this week I’m going to work as much as I can on these questions.  I was reaching the point that I felt like I needed to figure out what was behind my jealousy and what was making hold on to all the hurt from that relationship then the universe just slapped me in the face with it.  I guess maybe I need to speed up my emotional transformation or something.  So today is question 1:  I am enough, worthy and good.  I do not need to be fixed.  I am strong enough and smart enough for everything that faces me.  I will continue to work to heal my own wounds, but I am not those wounds, not defined by them and I did not get them because I deserved them.  They were an accident that I can recover from because I am worthy of feeling whole and healthy and good.

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