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I had a long drive this weekend (lots of time to think) and an excellent visit with Wisteria. She (probably unknowingly) made me feel much better and much more normal about how I’ve been feeling in relation to Hawthorn (in as much as it hasn’t been that long and it’s okay to still be working through the break up especially with dealing with him every day).  I do, after the long meditative drive, feel as if I am really ready to step into the next part of my life, even if it’s struggle.  Tonight I am going to do a smudging ritual and ceremony for finding myself again.  Something symbolic for moving forward and shaking off the negativity of the past.

Little time for writing today, but here’s the email I sent Cedar last night about my weekend:

I spent a third of my weekend in the car going to and from the mountains, a third of it having the strangest dreams, and a third of it gasping for breath while one of my closest friends and I tried to fit in every word about everything we’ve been thinking and doing recently.  I’m not sure I feel reborn yet, but the cobwebs they are brushed away from the windows and the light is streaming in and maybe it’s time to start cleaning everything else.

I told [Hawthorn] on Thursday, in no uncertain terms, that our relationship is friendly, but work only.  I took him off Facebook and every other place that I might accidentally ‘see’ him and get upset. I asked him not to contact me outside work hours unless it was a genuine emergency until such a time as I decide I want it otherwise.  I told the terms of this agreement to [Juniper], the owner of [workplace], to [Wisteria] the friend I visited this weekend, and to everyone who reads my Facebook.  I have cried so much this week and I just can’t do it anymore. I have to move on and I don’t even like the thing I’m hanging on to. [Juniper] said out loud what I have long thought, that [Hawthorn] has been entirely selfish in every interaction we’ve had, that he’s completely had his way, had everything he wanted in every stage of our relationship.  And it isn’t fair and I don’t want it any more.  I want it my way, period. [Wisteria] pointed out that it hasn’t even been a year since we broke up and I’ve had to see him every single day so how could I let go? And so I haven’t.  But you know, the sex wasn’t even that good, he often left me feeling like he wasn’t listening even when what I was saying important, and he never respected the boundaries I tried to set.  He did set a good example on a lot of fronts and left me with a list a good traits that the next one should have.  But he isn’t good enough for me and he was nice enough to me but he never treated me like I was the greatest, smartest, most beautiful strongest and most valuable thing he had and I don’t think I can settle for any less than that.

For the last three years I have felt so stuck and lost.  Like some crucial spark, some extra piece that is what makes me special has been missing. Like everyone recognizes the awesome outer shell but I have to hide that what ever was supposed to be inside is missing. I have good friends, close ones, forever ones and yet I’ve still felt isolated, somehow on the outside of my own life.  I’ve lost sight of my plans for the future, of the things I do best and of this awesome 16 year old girl I used used to be, who I’ve always kept in my heart and checked in with to make sure I was straying too far from the right path.

I’m not blaming myself for any of this, I’m not carrying the weight of it any more.  I’m just releasing all of it and moving forward.  I’m not even looking for who I used to be, just going forward into who I am going to be.  I’m terrified and exhausted from carrying the weight of the past, but I’m just rushing headlong into it.

You have been a strong, bright light for me.  Somehow you manage to make me feel completely at ease no matter what.  You are the best part of every one of my days that you touch. I don’t know that I can express my appreciation of every word you write me.  So thank you for that.

I don’t know what happens now.  I’ve driven hours and sat down immediately write this, so now I’m gonna eat, shower, and go to bed.  And find out what happens tomorrow.  I hope there’s a wink of your bright light in many of my future days.

I hope I can hold on to as positive as I’m feeling about this today for a while.  I’m going to conscript Dandelion into a once a week activity with me.  I’ve already expressed to a group of friends my need for more contact.  I am ready to go back to living my own life, by myself, on my own terms.