There isn’t much more lonely than being sick when you live alone.  Ugh.  I mean I’m sweaty and nasty and not fit for company, but still I wish there was someone who’d bring me water and  make me soup and feel sorry for me.  Bleh.

I went on my first date since Hawthorn and I broke up last night.  It was fine.  I mean it wasn’t unpleasant or bad or anything.  I didn’t suffer in any way during it.  But he held no real attraction for me and after the fact I liked him less and less the more I thought about it. It felt like there was some small measure of meanness inside him, buried under a façade of jollity.  And he kept interrupting me, like I don’t think I finished more than half the stories I told before he jumped in to tell something.  But it’s out of the way, it’s done, and I guess it’s a step in moving on.

And I think while talking about the date in advance I articulated where I am at with Hawthorn right now.  I think I won’t feel better until he tells me he made terrible, terrible mistake by leaving me and then we can shake hands and agree that it’s best this way anyhow.  I just want him to feel at least a little of the loss I feel.  And no, I don’t think he’ll ever say that.  I did point out recently to him that all the things I said about his choices and what he should be doing with his life and how we should have approached our relationship, things I said two years ago that all turned out to be true and I got very heartfelt, ‘you were right and I was wrong,’ so that was nice.  He’s apologized for essentially taking me down with him when he wasn’t being aware enough about what he needed in life to recover from his own divorce.  He’s apologized for not taking my counsel on that topic when I offered it.  But I’m still not sure he knows just how much he hurt me and I’m pretty sure I won’t completely forgive him until he says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he shouldn’t have let me get away.  Which he will surely never do.

Today’s answer is to the question: What if I didn’t have to apologize?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for being so hurt, so vulnerable, so open to love and so lost without it.  What if I didn’t have to apologize for needing so much time to myself, so much time to recover, so much space to heal?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for taking so long to find my place in a world I never expected to be in?  What if I didn’t have to apologize for being who I am?

If I made a mistake in all of this it was being to open to the possibilities of this world, of being too caring, too willing to give and receive love.  I will not apologize for my mistakes here anymore.  I will try and try to learn and grow and to still be that person, to be open to the possibilities the world offers, the good possibilities, even if the end result means another mistake to not be apologized for.

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