Work has become intense and hard and certainly stressful.  But it isn’t boring and it’s been really nice to have stress directed at problems that seem solvable.  I mean, it’s work, it’s not like any of it is surmountable there, even if I make a mistake it gets repaired and the task completed.  Much better than my personal life.

It does leave me exhausted.  I”m pretty sure I’ve watched more TV in the last couple weeks than in the last six months put together. I don’t feel guilty about it.  I was thinking yesterday that maybe it’s a year for me to heal myself from where I started.  So I’m six months in and maybe the rate of recovery has slowed, but it’s still steady.  And I’m getting better about forgiving myself.  About not pressing myself.  About giving myself time. And right now everything I have to give goes into work.  Which is good because I don’t have much else to think about.  Which is bad because I should probably have something additional to focus on.

I think I’m doing as good a job as I can of working, albeit slowly, through my problems.  Where I’m stuck right now is Hawthorn. I’ve made it clear to him that there is no future for us outside of friendship.  I think I’ve convinced myself of that as well. However, I’m still struggling with this sense of being abandoned.  I can’t seem to get past this jealousy that just eats at me when he seems to be making new friends and moving on with his life.  With this sense that I just wasn’t good enough.  Or that there’s something wrong with me that caused to me to make the decisions that led me to get so hurt.  And I feel like if I can just get past this, then I can really move on.  But even as I recognize, more clearly, what my current problem is, I’m not sure exactly what to do.  Let go of it.  Just let it go.  Still as always I know that’s the answer, but I never know how or what exactly that means.

Also I cried my eyes out watching a movie a couple days ago and realized about halfway through that I was just crying.  Just crying at the movie because it was sad.  Not so filled with my own misery.  I guess it’s been a month or more since I was crying almost every day.  Which means I feel better. I mean I still feel a vast internal emptiness, and a lack of sense of place in the world.  Like I haven’t yet found all the pieces of myself.  But the shell outside is definitely thinker and harder.  Becoming strong enough to keep all the pieces in once I locate them.

I feel like this journal has been a description of the path that’s gotten me here.  I actually sat down to read some back entries, but I can’t.  It’s like the path only goes forward and I can’t yet pause and look to see how far I’ve come.  I’ve just got to keep going.

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