Cedar has been (nicely) pushing me to think about what I want for myself right now.  And want I want from a partner in the future.  The protagonist of the book I’m reading has two lovers, one who essentially dominates her and one whom she dominates.  I fell asleep last night thinking that I wanted what she had tied up inside one person.  Equal and opposite and bending each way depending on what I want.

I want a partner that is intellectually equal to me, whose knowledge compliments mine, rather than parallels it.  Someone who can understand me even when I’m at my peak performance, thinking so quickly it’s like I’m spinning the universe out and inventing it right there.  Someone who will sit me down and teach me something.  Someone who make grand romantic gestures, who will be secretly, quietly silly with me in the universe of our creation, the land bound by our marriage.  Someone who laughs at my jokes even when they aren’t funny and cajoles me out of my own misery, even when I’m determined to swim in those cold, dark waters no matter what.  I would demand 100% loyalty, devotion like I was made of water in the desert.  Some one who yielded to me every evening as I held him tight inside me and made him beg to rip out his own soul and empty it into me, some whose heart would break in desperation just trying to be nearer to me.  On alternate evenings he would hold me down and punish me for making him want me so much, make me twist my body to him, my need for his touch frenzied and urgent. Nights would be spent never too far out of reach.  Close enough for comfort, far enough for freedom.  And in the mornings we’d tuck quietly together, sharing breaths and moving slowly as one to soft sunrise indulgent gratification until we had to separate and become two once again.  We’d step out into each day independently, learning , seeing, doing, being more of who we already are.  We’d bear the monotony of everyday life together.  Support each through the parts that got worse and revel in each other joy when the scale tipped the other way.  We’d sit quietly, knowing it was enough and still find the moment where there wasn’t enough, not enough words, to share every idea in our heads, trying to fill each other’s heads with our ow ideas until we had to push apart and take the time to learn more to have more to share between us later.

I don’t think any of that is too much to ask for.

Advertisements