Ugh, I have to say, I’ve been trying to suppress it, but man Hawthorn’s move and related fall out is really wearing on me.  This weekend, in addition to his son’s graduation, he moved out of the house he and I shared into a new apartment, and moved/cleaned out anything he had left in the garage of the house he’d shared with his exwife, as the sale on that closes soon.  And even though he hasn’t lived in that house in years, it’s still a huge deal that has been fraught with post divorce financial yuckiness and his level of stress is over the moon.  And today I just couldn’t deal with it so I bailed on helping him (rescheduled and he was very understanding) and just cleaned house all day and did projects to regain some control of my universe.  Since I usually use work to to that, I guess three days of floaty free time was to much for me?

I had panic attack on Saturday and managed to stave one off today (without drugs but with concerted avoidance, which was positive keeping busy).  And another day before I have to deal with the Hawthorn situation.  As far as I can tell his response to all of this is to try and woo me again, like he did in the beginning, like we might get back together, which actually ENRAGES me.  And I’d really like to sit him down and explain just how fucking much he hurt me and how much I value his friendship and how I will fucking cut him if he doesn’t respect my boundaries on this.   But given his current stress level and everything he’s been dealing with I haven’t had a chance.  And now it’s starting a feedback of my stress, his stress and the post-mortem relationship conversation we never had.  AUGH.  Plus I’ve been using him as my main source of emotional support which I can’t continue to do if I’m not giving something back,  so some lines really need to be laid down. Lines not to be crossed.  For my own sanity.

And then in a conversation about the need for companionship, Cedar wrote me the following:

“Companionship in general.” Yes, that is one of the things we need. It’s kind of frustrating that we have to do so many circus spectacles in order to achieve something so simple – just sitting outside on a beautiful weekend morning together with some good coffee and companionable silence in the fresh air. But then you know she has to leave. And having good sex is great – like being the first creature to climb out of the warm sea and explore land, breathe the new air. But why is occasional good sex easier to achieve than the comfort of always having a warm, familiar, snuggly body in arm’s reach while you dream every night? How great did it feel to have someone naked in your arms each morning, whispering good morning in your ear, and then wake her, or him in your case, properly before work? Ending each day and starting the next with the same breathless ritual. And beyond that, the close comfort of working through the day’s monotonies with that same person. It puts a smile on your face and a spring in your step. Yeah, we need to find that in order to make the most of the last few years we have as mammals.

And now I want to punch the next person in the face who tells me I just need some time alone to find myself.  Because I don’t.  I never have. I feel more supported, more well rounded and whole when I have someone to share things with.  I know this about myself and I am not going to question it again.  It’s a nice and a sad realization to come too and spun me a little this morning.

Plus Oak texted to ask if I had plans ‘later’ leaving me, again, feeling I’m his last resort for entertainment when no one else is free.  And if I’m honest with myself, I felt like that a lot during our relationship too.  I might have to set some boundaries there as well. I actually feel guilty for continually telling him no when he tries to make plans, but they are always last minute and I’m certainly not going to interrupt my plans to be his second choice. I definitely do not need any stress entwined in that already dead relationship. Ugh.