It would be really, totally super great if the doctor would just call me and give me the all clear, no cancer, you’re good to go call.  I’m trying really hard not to obsess about it, to over think or anything until I know something, but the longer I wait the harder it is to convince myself it’s fine.

And I do think I’m on an emotional upswing, but it remains hard to rise up while so many apparent road blocks remain.

Whew, mama, I am tired.  I am also tired of saying I’m tired and really noticing how much I say it.  Seriously, how can something not be wrong with me? It can’t be normal to feel like this all the time.

I also would like to complain. To everybody, I guess.  But I don’t because I don’t want your sympathy, or anyone’s sympathy.  I’m not even sure how to explain it or why.  But I am really, really tired of crying.  I just don’t want to do it. At all. And sympathy improperly given makes me cry.  It makes it harder for me to hold it together in the way I need too and, honestly, it makes me feel bad for making you feel bad or for making you worry.

Goals for this week:

  1. get rid of extra furniture and Goodwill pile
  2. make a nice dinner just for myself
  3. vacuum living room & mop kitchen
  4. manage domains for future web projects
  5. follow up with my doctor about my recent appointments
  6. finish digital filing project at work
  7. make reasonable budget for June

Some of these are carry over’s from the previous list that weren’t completed.  I’m good with that.  I’m trying for essentially a thing a day from these goals and if I achieve 75% I consider that a success.  I also consider planning this way a success as this is as lenient as I have ever been with myself

Advertisements