Happy St. Squalid’s Day!  I’m feeling it for sure.  Headachey and hot.  For some reason when I drink too much my metabolism goes into overdrive and I feel like my insides are overheating and I swear my skin feels feverish to the touch.  Too many Paddy’s Day beers with Oak last night.  Which was, well, obviously not a good idea.  And probably not really worth it.  I enjoyed talking to him. Really though, since he’s been back, the more time I spend with him the more disconnected I feel from him.  He spent most of the first 30 minutes complaining (the service was bad, the ladies at the next table were too annoying, the Guinness wasn’t draft, &c.) which just get exhausting for me really fast.  He did eventually apologize and say he’d stop complaining since it wouldn’t do anything, which was new for him, but still it set the tone for how I felt about the evening.

I wondered home, a nice warm evening walk through my neighborhood.  Caught up with a friend, as he walked with me for a few blocks, he mostly seemed concerned that I was okay post-break up (with Hawthorn) and all.  Which was genuine, wonderful concern for me, but it got me home feeling a little miserable and lonely.  So I did the only thing you can do when you’re home alone, lonely and little drunk: I made a tentative date with a hot guy.  Mind you, this isn’t a romantic, let’s-if-we-get-along-enough-to-fall-in-love date, no, this is more of a let’s-have-a-beer-and-see-if-I-can-persuade-you-to-have-sex-with-me date.  Because it’s way too soon for me for the first one and I’m confident that succeeding in the second one will help free me from leftover past relationship clingyness and jealousy.

Happy St. Squalid's Day! It's how we recover from Paddy's Day.

Of course in the sober light of day today I feel clumsy, awkward and slightly embarrassed about asking a boy out (especially this one), but I’ll push through.  I actually have very little shame in such matters, so it’s weird to see it manifest now.  I guess I feel like maybe I’m trying to get away with something here, because I know I only want to have sex with him (what normal, single guy says no to that though?), and because Moonflower dated him in the memorable past (although I asked her first and got her cheerful, excited blessing), and because this guy is someone all my friends know and it’s hard not to have everyone know my business in this neighborhood, but in this case, I’d prefer some privacy. So, um, I guess I am trying to get away with something.

I’m good, I think.  Panic attacks are definitely waning. The relentless insomnia is making me a little more unpleasant than usual.  But since Monday’s meltdown over Hawthorn annoying me, I’ve actually been on a fairly even keel.  I have been actively working on just letting things go, on embracing now and releasing myself from the need to be happy, rather working to settle with being satisfied.  I’m pushing for a calm weekend: more household nesting, dinner with Violet, maybe a park walk and a museum trip.  Life feels so much better and settled when I can calmly plan these things and not be stressing about relationships and furniture and moving and money.

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