So of course I went out with Hawthorn last night and had a perfectly nice time and now feel like a bitch for being so frustrated and irritated with him.  SIGH.  I am going to assume that points to the raw, open wound of the break being the cause of much of my anger and pain in the situation.  I am going to take a deep breath before and after every interaction with him and try to let go on the assumption that time will heal much of it.  I am going to keep trying to set limits with him until at least some of it sinks in.  Mostly I’m going to try to  let it go, let it go, let it go.

Yesterday both my mom and Cedar asked how I was, specifically in relation to my mental health.  Let me try and repeat here what I told them, for my own future reference.

The past week or so has been rough.  I’ve been feeling worse, lower, I think, than I was feeling for a month or before that.  Perhaps part of that is having moved and done and not having those extra details to fill up my head.  Perhaps part of it is the many grey days we’ve had in a row here.  I did realize at some point a few days ago that I haven’t kept up with my habit of taking all the supplements that I think help me (multivitamins, extra vitamin D and vitamin B, Omega-3, St. John’s Wort, and 5-HTP), so I’ve restarted that cycle and almost immediately I feel better (I guess I should add vitamin B deficiency to the list of things to talk to my doctor about).

Over all the panic attacks have substantially lessened and I feel less high strung and riddled with anxiety than I did before.  My biggest problem at the moment is that I feel like I have so little control over my emotions and my responses to situations that starts a self-perpetuating cycle.  For instance something small will happen, like really bad customer service, and I will get very angry, in fact probably disproportionately angry.  And right now, when I get angry, I burst into tears of frustration and rage, and then I feel even worse because I don’t want to be crying, which makes me more angry, &c.  The aftermath of this leaves me feeling exhausted and wanting time to myself, which at this point there simply isn’t enough of.  And I really don’t feeling like I’m avoiding people, or negatively isolating myself, just the emotional thing makes me feel so exposed and raw that I feel like I’m absorbing everyone else’s emotions and response as well as my own.  Which is fine and great and uplifting in a positive situation.  It just takes very little to spin everything into negativity.

I feel like I have really heightened sense of awareness of how I’m reacting in any situation, of how I’m feeling, of what the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ reactions are.  Which hopefully is a good thing.  Perhaps the biggest problem with all of it is that I have much clearer sense of who I am, of what my self identity is and a lot of how I’m feeling and how I’m reacting emotionally to things is directly at odds with the sense of self.  The options seem to be to adjust that picture of myself to match the current reality, or to work really hard to struggle back to the person I feel like I was (or at least always wanted to be).  The second choice seems like the only real option.  I’m still remain unconvinced that drugs and therapy are what is going to help me with this.  Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a do it by myself kind of thing.  I definitely need help, I just think I need to, um, experiment, I guess, with what kind of help I need and how I can do this.  Writing and talking about it seems to help the most, presently.  I think I need to start setting goals (like making necessary dentists and doctors appointments to deal with the looming bodily health issues) and checking those off as accomplishments.  I think I need to start more actively thinking about the goodness in myself and the person that I previously recognized, who seems subsumed by all this anxiety and anger and negativity, and making a conscious effort to be that better person, while still trying to coddle and care for the hurt part of me.  I definitely need to start slowing down, so that I’m throwing what energy I have at my job, and storing the rest for my own internal, quiet recuperation.  I need to make sure that I’m treating myself carefully, and as if I am recovering and not as if I can simply overcome by doing.  I will work harder to be my own friend and treat myself as I would someone else in my situation.  More love, more care, more calm.

 

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