I had a mostly good weekend, with some ups and downs.  Most of the downs involved leaving my house a dealing with people. On Sunday I cancelled plans to walk with Hawthorn in the park in favor of day long isolation.  It helped, I guess.   Although today I don’t think it was necessarily alone time I needed but non-Hawthorn time. And honestly I don’t know what to do about that.  I have to deal with him.  I work with him and there’s really no avoiding him in that situation.  I’d rather work him and be friendly, than simply be professional. And I actually do like his company some times.  I like him as a person.  I just feel like he’s pushing my boundaries in a not pleasant and perhaps wholly unintentional way almost all the time and I do not know how to make him stop. Whatever it is about him that’s so irritating that it’s rubbing me raw isn’t going to go away.  I can’t not work with hm. I essentially can’t not socialize with him.  Even if I stopped doing that, I’d still have to see him at both my jobs and around the neighborhood, so it’s preferable to keep it amicable.  I am completely open an honest with him to the point of being brutal and still he does such asinine annoying little things, that I guess are nothing, but taken all together make me crazy.

I’m just continually left with this sense that he is not listening to me, nor interested in what I really need unless it matches with what he wants.  This was true throughout our relationship too.  It’s extra upsetting because I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose and I can’t tell if it’s forgetfulness, utter selfishness and self involvement, stupidity, complete lack of concern for how I feel or some combination of all of those things.

For instance, I say I need alone time and that catch up with him the following day.  The response to this should not be three texts asking what I’m doing over several hours followed by an invitation to eat much later in the day.  Or if he invites me to an event and I decline, it should be left at that, not followed up with two subsequent offers just in case I’ve changed my mind.  And I know in the instance of the last example, he thinks he’s being nice, he’s being good generously offering more chances, but really it just frustrates and angers me.  In the case of the first example, he simply forgot that I’d asked for alone time earlier.  When I have to decline on offer of a bagel FOUR TIMES in single morning before pointing out that I’ve already reminded him twice this week that I don’t eat wheat and don’t want the motherfucking bagel, thank you very much.

I guess part of the problem is that about 50% of the really annoying stuff he does is actually him trying to be nice, which leaves me feeling really mean and petty when I get frustrated over it.  And the rest of it is so careless that I feel insulted.  And trust me, it’s not like I’m bottling this up.  I speak freely about it with him, both when I’m annoyed with him and when I’m clam and just trying to set boundaries.  I recognize that the answer here is to simply take a break from him, but as I mentioned that’s pretty much impossible.

The other part of the problem is the more obvious: he broke up with me at a really vulnerable time in my life.  He justified by saying it would surely become clear later that  it will be best for both of us.  Which is all well and good, except that I’m still well inside the very reasonable window of my feelings being very, very hurt over the whole situation. No matter how clear it is that we would never have worked out doesn’t stop my feelings from being hurt.

I don’t really even know what I’m trying to say here.  Here’s what I know:  I worked just fine with Hawthorn all day, with only the minor (very, very minor) irritation of being invited to lunch at some place I can’t eat, but I was genial and pleasant about it.  Then he did something slightly more annoying and work related (with started with him texting me to tell me to call him, AUGH, just call me yourself in the first place!) and I did the work thing and finished my day.  I got in my car and spent most of my drive thinking about funny things Cedar has said in today’s email and smiling to myself.  And then I remembered that I’m going out with Hawthorn tonight (it’s a ticketed event, it’s something I really want to see, and I backed out of a ticketed event last week, so there’s very little wiggle room here for “I don’t think I’m going to go,”) and suddenly my bad, bad mood was back.  So I thought I’d come home and try and write it out before we went out tonight.  But no, I feel just as frustrated, I feel like I can’t even adequately express, describe or pin down the specifics of my irritations.  I feel annoyed with myself and with him.  And maybe I can just chalk it up to the still raw wound of the break up, or simply his seeming insensitivity in the face of that. But if you read a news of the weird article in the near future about a woman bludgeoning her coworker with a bagel while screaming, “I don’t want anything from Panera,” over and over, even if names aren’t included, you can probably guess who it will be about.

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