I was planning this morning on coming here and writing about how much better I felt after the grim, grey weekend.  About how much I got done around the house. Blah blah blah. Cue my first panic attack in, hmm, at least a week, maybe longer.  Even more annoying, is how dumb it is.

So my couch is in at the store I ordered it from. Ten full days early.  Which is good news, except I have plans tomorrow that I don’t want to break to have to pick it up.  It’s also supposed to pour rain tomorrow and the next day. So that leaves today or waiting Since I’m also occupied Thurs and Fri evenings.  And honestly, the guy on the phone was UNHELPFUL, and seemed to think that I should come get the item that was back ordered RIGHT NOW instead of asking them to hold it for me.  Yes, you 21 year old twit, I can totally drop everything and come get a large object all by myself.  Anyway, today it is, I guess.  But that involves, rushing around, planning finding a truck and helper and blah blah blah blah all at the last minute.  So panic attack.  And not really brought on by the rush and the planning, but still I freeze at the thought of asking people for help.  Even for something like this.  I don’t like feeling like I owe anyone, I guess.

I can call Oak, he has a truck and fair amount of free time.  But honestly, after this weekend, dealing with him just seems too overwhelming.  Hawthorn offered to help and I guess I have to take him up on it.  And I feel resentful about it because he never listens to my plans and always makes things like this WAY more complicated than they need to be by being wishy-washy and noncommittal and then when he does commit to a plan it’s usually the most confusing way to do something. And, of course, Hawthorn can only do it right after work, leaving from work. Which means there’s a possibility he’ll forget to get the work truck keys before it’s too late, or he’ll get sucked into something at the downtown office and not be able to help me after all, leaving me fucked. And even if he does come through I’m wearing heels (99% of the time I have extra shoes in the car, but not today) and thus can’t do any of the lifting.

So happiness about finally getting some of my furniture, especially the couch?  No, of course not.  I’m completely panicked and freaked about having to ask someone for help, about not having the independence and control in the situation that I’d want and, frankly, about the damned thing arriving early and disrupting all the plans I’d made about picking it up (and paying for it).

Yes, I do realize how ridiculous this is. No, I’m not even going to apologize to myself for it.  Alas, if nothing else it’s an indication that there’s (still) something wrong with me.  Which I’m fine with, since I can recognize it. Indeed that fact that something this normal and easy is upsetting me somehow legitimizes how I’ve been feeling all along. Like I’ve been feeling so much better, I start to wonder WTF was wrong with me and was all the anxiety stuff in my head.  But no, I’m still crazy.  Which, for some reason really is kind of comforting.  Still even realizing it and being aware of what’s going on with me, I might end up locked in a bathroom somewhere crying before the day is over.  Hopefully that will be a day that ends with having a couch and I can feel better about everything while I’m curled up on it.

Edited to add (mostly for my reference): my mood continued to deteriorate all day.  Hawthorn graciously sacrificed his whole evening to help me with getting the couch and (not) getting shelves and suffering through several customer service debacles.  I had a nice dinner and Hawthorn was good company, but I spent most the evening frustrated and on the edge of tears.  And while I am glad I have my couch and grateful that Hawthorn helped so much, I am exhausted, emotionally worn down, entirely w/o emotional resources and very frustrated with the world in general.

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