The extent to which the weather affects my mood seems really extreme. At this rate I’m going to have to move to San Diego or some other place with no weather to maintain positivity.  It’s been rainy and grim for two days.  I feel dreary and grey and wiped out.  One wonders how I managed to survive similar conditions int he Pacific Northwest for so many years. I just feel stuck and stifled and desperate for the sun like a plant that’s all stretched to and pale and trying trying trying to reach for the light.  After two days.  It’s supposed to be cold tomorrow but I’ll take it if it means the sun shines a little.

I spent most the day doing chores and paid projects for other people. Satisfying, I guess but it got my house no closer to being livable.  I need to use this as serious Buddhist exercise in letting go.  Nothing will happen with the house until I have furniture there is very little I can do to speed that up so I need to stop fretting about it.  Still, life will be better with a couch to sit on and I firmly believe that thinking that is just truth and not more of my looking forward to something rather than enjoying the moments.  I will enjoy moments much more when I have somewhere to sit.

Oak and I went to Rowan’s for a bit tonight  and then went to dinner.  I didn’t have fun.  I don’t know if it’s the weather or my heavy yucky period or just my need for more down time/me time, but Oak is soooo much work.  He’s just always unhappy and even broken up and even after everything I still sometimes find myself of falling into the trap of wasting energy trying to make him look at things more positively.  And if I ever thought this was in my mind  r some convoluted complication of our relationship, I know it’s not.  Rowan is one of the most positive, outgoing, friendly people I know.  As we driving to the restaurant Oak commented that he always forgets how warm and welcoming Rowan is.  How positive he is and how he puts that into other people.  He went on  to say that he wished he was more like Rowan, more positive, more outgoing and nice. It was actually really frustrating because Oak is like that and people love him for it, but it’s like he turns it on and off and he rarely turned it on for me after we were dating, I only ever got to see him charm other people.  And he can’t seem to remember the joy he gets from interacting positively with people and just reverts back to curmudgeonly and cranky.  I feel after spending the evening with him tonight that I was right when told him during our break up that we would just end sad and depressed together, blaming the other  (the external) for not making us happy.  Just so exhausting.

Now I’m tired and lonely and I found myself thinking as I was driving home that I wished I had Hawthorn to curl up with against the cold, grim night and the loneliness.  I’m sure if I called him he would come over, but I know it’s a terrible idea.  For both of us.

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