The littlest apartment in the world is quite little, but I think would be perfect for me.  I’m patiently (and by that I’m mean I’m spasticly and anxiously) waiting to hear if the apartment’s owner thinks I’m as great as I think he is.  It seems like it would be a good situation for me and snug little space.  I also found the most perfect little couch this weekend and now I’m just hoping for a call with good news and keys so I can measure for couches.  SIGH.  Waiting is hard.

It was a good weekend though.  I dragged a hungover Violet out shopping all over on Saturday.  Then I went a toured the cutie little apartment and filled out the background check stuff.  After I went to the house of O and sat with my favorite baby on my lap while she zipped and unzipped my purse and took everything out and put it back in over and over.  Which was tiring work so eventually she went to bed.  Had a lovely time socializing with her parents and some other friends after.

I feel like I really spoke openly about my situation with my friends.  A close friend, Rowan, expressed that he felt I’d been unhappy and that he (Rowan) hadn’t ever really been satisfied with the Oak-Hawthorn switch.  But somehow he managed to say all of this in a way that didn’t insult or offend me and sounded both supportive and friendly.  Rowan managed to make me feel really good about where I am now, or rather really good about the future and the work I’m doing to get somewhere great.  It was definitely the kind of friendly interaction that I really needed but didn’t know it until it happened.

Sunday morning I drank coffee on the porch in the sunshine, made fancy breakfast and then Hawthorn and I went for a walk in the park.  It was nice.  Mostly I talked about my impending move and the excitement of redecorating and having my own space.  He talked about some ongoing financial issues with his exwife.  Two things that are important, I think, happened in this conversation.  First at one point he said something about not wanting to make something my problem (he was asking me read an email to his exwife to make sure it sound fair, reasonable and not mean) and I told him that at this point he was either going to have to decided that were friends and there wasn’t any problem of his that I wouldn’t listen too or he had to decide not to tell me anything and we wouldn’t come out of this being friends. The second thing was that I expressed again that I wasn’t trying to financially fuck him by moving out sooner rather than later.  Hawthorn said that I wasn’t doing anything but living my life and any and all the problems of this situation and leading up to it where entirely his own creation and his own burden to deal with.

Of course I’m still mad at him.  I imagine at least a year before the strain of this disappears if we remain friend.  But I feel more sympathy for him.  Not, you know, enough to stay and financially help him or anything.  I’m definitely getting on with my life.  It just was a couple conversations that were sort of wistfully sad in strange way and yet somehow strengthened a vague feeling that I’ve had that I’ll come out of this still having a friend and eventually feeling like I’ve only lost time, and hopefully gained something else.

I told Rowan last night that because of everything going on inside me I was going to break down sooner or later no matter what.  And that in some ways it’s better that it happened in this way, where I can crawl out and have only injured my friendship with Oak and not destroyed it as I may have if we’d stayed together and I’d broken down then. That somehow this was all sucky and horrible and seemingly ill-timed, but perhaps it happened in the right way, was the catalyst I needed to restart my life.  I can almost say for certain that in the long run the break up with Hawthorn will feel like a glancing blow.  If it had been a disastrous end with Oak it would have been a shattering blow in it self, not just a complication to my own internal fracturing.  Obviously it’s all could-have-beens but I’m definitely feeling much more like I can pull it together and start over much sooner than I thought I would.

I had a nice, helpful, supportive and insightful phone conversation with my mom today too.  Will wonders never cease?

It was a good weekend.  Think good, hopefully thoughts for me for this apartment.  If I could get moved in by March 1st it would be a much better situation for me over all.  Plus I don’t want to look for another apartment, it’s to much work!

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