I am just tired and whiny and bitchy today.  I don’t even have it in me to make a thoughtful post about how I’m feeling.  I started one about my relationship with my mom but it’s far too soon for that.  I suspect that needs years of therapy.

It’s icy and miserable out.  I have PMS.  The weather conspired to make coffee happen way later for me this morning.   Did I mention icy and miserable? Wah wah wah!

I do feel like I’m feeling better.  Maybe?  I feel fairly pathetic still.  I haven’t done anything all week but work and watch episodes of Dead Like Me and surf the internet.  Being social still feels sort of insurmountable, beyond a few friends and what’s required for work. But I think maybe I’ve smiled more and been occasionally gleefully silly in the last couple days, so that seems like progress.  On the other hand, side effects and all have made it hard to tell how much is me feeling crappy and how much is crappiness brought on by chemical nastiness.  The problem right now is I can identify side effects like nausea and dizziness.  But I feel lethargic, worn down and exhausted.  Is that just from carrying the weight of my world for so long or is it fatigue and somnolence as a side effect of the SSRIs?  I slept from about 9:30 last night to about 7:45 this morning, so I’m pretty sure I’m getting enough rest.  I definitely need more exercise but again kind of waiting for less side effects before I attempt much more in my life.

Today I’m also facing the reality of having to live with Hawthorn while being irritated with him all the time.   This morning when I tried to turn off the bathroom sink faucet I knocked over all the crap he left stacked on the sink edge.  When I went to fill the Britta which he left empty and found the kitchen sink I’d cleaned last night full of coffee grounds and mystery dirty dishes that should have been in the dishwasher. Yesterday when he left a dumbass, insensitive remark on my Facebook trying to be funny and apologized to me in person but not on FB.    Just stupid, bullshit stuff, like why it takes him 90 minutes longer to get ready in the morning than it takes me.  None of it is new stuff.  Just annoying and I’m already extra irritable today, but the idea that I’ll make it through March without incident seems impossible at this moment.

Waiting, rather impatiently, for my doctor’s office to call back and tell me if they are switching drugs on me or not.  That hopefully will not be the high point of my day.  Although I will be very thankful if they call it in to the pharmacy around the corner from my office and don’t make me drive over there.  I guess I’ll go eat lunch.  And maybe do some work.  Since I’m here anyway.

ETA – The word from the Doc is to half the dosage on the Lexapro and see how I feel in 5 days.  SIGH.

pretty picture included to offset all the negativity

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