Med check today.  I haven’t taken anything but the Lexapro in about 36 hours. We’ll see if I make it through the day with only tolerable side effects.  This has been harder to figure out because the Zoloft was SO AWFUL, that simply feeling better than that has seemed okay but if I still  feel dizzy, nauseous or like I’m nodding out today and it can’t be attributed to exhaustion, Skelaxin or anything else, then we’ll change again.  Since this is day 8 on the Lexapro I should be tolerating it by now if I’m going too.

This is the reason I don’t like taking stuff like this.  It really feels like there’s no science to it.  Like it’s just throwing stuff against a wall and seeing what sticks.  Hawthorn asked me yesterday didn’t they do a blood test or something to see what kind of drugs one should be taking? No, sir, sorry, too busy putting all our drug trial money and research into things like Viagra, no need to concern ourselves with discovering how and why certain psychotropic drugs work differently on different people.  Grump grump grump.

I read an article once about a psychiatrist who was treating patients by giving them really small doses of opiates every day instead of antidepressants.  The dosage was apparently barely above being a placebo, but had, as I understood it, excellent effects for his patients who felt calmer, happier and functioned better.  Ever since I read this I have never understood our cultural aversion to giving people drugs that simply make them feel better vs. drugs that rewire our brain in ways no one seems to really understand and potentially have terrible side effects.

I do think I am starting to feel better despite periodic bouts of dry heaving and the hours in which I can’t operate machinery.  But it’s hard to say if that’s an effect of the SSRIs or placebo effect or simply the Klonopin tamping down the panic and the calming freedom of saying to everyone, hey, I’m fucked up, don’t expect too much from me and hold my hand while I get better.  I also think I’ve just completely let go of the Hawthorn situation (though I’m going to dissect it here in a second).  There’s nothing I can do about it, no point in worrying about it and I really do just need to move on and I’m actually genuinely fine with that.  In this instance I think there is no reason at all to revisit past injuries.  Another bullshit life lesson that should have been learned but that I’m not going to beat myself up over.  I am going to give myself a ‘I wasn’t in my right mind’ pass and say that it was taking the path of least resistance when I couldn’t handle doing anything else.

Hmmm, I was going to say that despite having mentally moved on I still have a few things to say about Hawthorn in closing, but, uh, I guess I don’t. In retrospect I think he has been incredibly selfish all the way through.  That was helpful to me in the summer and autumn when I really needed support and he was still pursuing me, it was sucky in the winter when he just changed his mind.  To Oak I imagine that it appears that Hawthorn aggressively pursued and stole his (Oak’s) girlfriend and then just dropped her when he was done with her. I suppose that isn’t too far from the truth of what happened.   In this case I truly feel like I am decidedly not tamping down, burying or not dealing with my emotions on this.  I just can’t do anything but move on.  That’s all there is, no point in beating myself up over it.  (Okay so I did have a few things left to say.)

The problem with it all really is that I can’t simply embrace a ‘no regrets’ policy on everything in the past year.  I think I made a terrible, terrible mistake when I broke up with Oak.  I don’t mean that I think he’s the right person for me or I’ve lost my soul mate.  I have no idea, really.  We could have turned out to be totally incompatible.  It’s just that not a single day has gone by where I haven’t thought about him.  I have literally lain in bed and thought, “Hey, I made it through the whole day without thinking about Oak, oh, damn, I’m doing it right now.”    I can not erase from my mind the look on his face when I told him it was over.  I can not forgive myself for the hurt I caused him.  And worse when I am sick I remember how he took care of me when I had the flu, when I am lonely I remember when he first told me he loved me. The weekend after I finished moving in with Hawthorn I cried for two days straight.  I literally cried myself sick.  I told myself it was because I was only mourning the future I’d given up by choosing to be with Hawthorn and that it would pass, but it never passed.  I am crying even as I type this.  I am full of regrets in relation to Oak and I have no idea how to rectify it.  I simply can’t let go in the way I have let go of so many other things/people.  Perhaps (to take a metaphor way too far) Hawthorn was the placebo and thus easily kicked and Oak was the real deal, with the withdrawls taking as long to pass as the usage lasted (giving me about another year to mourn if I don’t figure out how to fix it).

Interestingly (to me), I had intended to use this blog to write about what was driving my anxiety and insecurities.  I had really expected this to be about having a gun in my face held by a shaky, scared teenager, or about the really upsetting ongoing dental problems.  But it seems right now that maybe my relationship issues are much closer to heart of my insecurities that any outside factors are.  Or at least much more immediate.

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