There is some drama going on between the members of my family.  I have always been the peacemaker in such situations, which I find exhausting and unsatisfying.  In this instance, I’m supporting my sister, Dahlia, and trying to otherwise the whole thing, as I just can’t deal with it right now. However I find I am calling and writing to Oak to vent.  In my defense, he knows my family better than Hawthorn does and has more direct experience with the specific problems happening here at home.  However, I recognize that I need to spend some time seriously meditating on why exactly it is that I want to run to Oak to talk.

For a very long time Oak was the thing I wanted most in the world.  Even when we were together he seemed like something distant to strive for, something to long for.  He’s since told me that he thought we’d be married one day.  I don’t know if he never expressed that in a way I understood while were together or if I simply was too insecure to imagine that he wanted me in the way I wanted him.

I’m not sure I can ever measure how much I’ve lost in the past year.  Lost time, money, energy, friends, peace of mind.  But I wonder if losing Oak isn’t the worst part of it all. And maybe it’s worse that it seems that I didn’t lose him so much as never realize that I had him in the first place.  That I thought I was cutting my losses when I was possibly sacrificing my future happiness for the need for immediate security.

And Hawthorn who I was so sure of, so ready to settle in to a secure place with, turned out to be something else entirely. Now the security I gave everything up for is gone and I can’t do anything but move forward, try and get better.  It’s so hard not to dwell on what could have been.  I hope I can shake this off as I start to feel better.

The loss of love by Leslie Brown

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