I wish I better understood exactly what is going on with Hawthorn.  He treats me kindly, kisses me in greeting, rubs my shoulders when I hurt, holds my hand, offers comfort when I ask. But when I press him on what is happening in his head I can’t even figure out what he’s talking about.  Yesterday he started crying in a restaurant at lunch. Because he’s afraid of… I don’t know what exactly.  Not being able to do what ever he wants, when ever he wants, maybe?  Something about having to plan everything months in advance and checking in with someone. And wanting to move to New Orleans. Maybe, except he hasn’t been there in 10 years, so he’s not sure if he’d want to live there.  Or he’s upset because he can’t just go to a concert when he wants or something.  Except he can.  And when I point that out to him he says it isn’t that it’s, well, who fucking knows.  Perhaps it is extreme mid-life crisis or something.  I suggested therapy to him.  I mean he can’t articulate to me what it is that’s driving him to break up with me.  He doesn’t have a plan.  He doesn’t know what he wants, except something else. I think because somehow in his mind, having a relationship with me is exactly like his previous relationship.  Even though it isn’t.  At all.  Which he acknowledges when I point it out to him, but somehow he can’t stop thinking of it that way. Or maybe I’m getting it all wrong and something elese is going down but I can’t trouble out what it is.

And I feel like I am swallowing so many of the things I want to say to him.  I mean, yes, I made my own choices, but wow did Hawthorn push and prod and cajole me into being here, with him. And now he doesn’t want me?  Because he’s afraid it’ll be like a relationship he had with someone else? And hey every time I asked for space or tried to set a boundary he acted like I was shutting him out, like I was somehow wrong for not wanting exactly what he wanted in that second. And now he needs the space I’ve been giving all along, that he previously wasn’t looking for and it still isn’t enough.  Plus I just feel kind of more crazy for not even really understanding what’s going on.  It kind of makes me want to scream, fuck you fuck you fuck you, and smash things.

Last night was a bad night.  I can’t tell how much of it was me just freaking out and how much was the Zoloft. It seems like maybe with the Zoloft, I’m fine for about 2 hours after I take it, then there’s a period of about 3 to 5 hours where I feel dizzy-ish, sort of cross eyed or unable to focus and a little shaky and queasy.  The Klonopin seems to allay this a little but I don’t want to rely on that.  I think I’m going to start taking the Zoloft before bed instead of mid-morning.

Ugh, thanks, horoscope, I get it:

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What confusing commotion would you like to walk away from and never come back to? What lessons have you learned so well that you’re overdue to graduate from them? What long-term healing process would you like to finish up so you can finally get started on the building phase that your healing will give you the power to carry out? These are excellent questions to ask yourself as you plan your life in the next six months.

And thanks, Lifehacker, where were you 8 months ago with this plan?

Tomorrow I fly home for the weekend to see my family and, subsequently, tell them everything that’s been going on.  This is really hard for me.  A little bit because I feel like a messed up, broken failure, but mostly because I don’t like to upset my mom or make her worry.  It makes me feel even more awful.  Plus, honestly, a good part of why I don’t talk to anybody about stuff like this is that I don’t want anyone’s sympathy.  It makes me feel weird and kind of yucky.  And this also gives my parents another opportunity to try and convince me to move back.  Which I steadfastly and resolutely do not want to do.  In fact, much of the reason I chose to stay here with Hawthorn was so that I could stay HERE and not have to move back there. Gah, just writing this paragraph is seriously stressing me out.

I will be attempting to blog from my phone while traveling.  We’ll see how that works out.  I have many hours of layover on the trip.

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