Last night Hawthorn slept in his new room and I slept alone in my room that was once ours.  Without his furniture, his clothes, his anything, the room is huge and half empty, even with my things pushed around to try and fill the space.  I changed out all the bedding and carefully remade the bed exactly like I prefer it. I sent Hawthorn a text reminding him to kiss me good night (he was in the bath, I wasn’t being passive aggressive, it was just the most convenient way to tell him something).  He came and sat on the side of my bed, told me I had a pretty face, kissed me and went off to his own room.  I didn’t cry, but perhaps only because I was so tired, the emotional pressure was certainly in my chest.  Instead I thought of Vikings and heroic princesses and fell asleep.

I slept well.

I have, in fact, not had much trouble sleeping since I started taking the drugs.  I used to be restless, toss and turn, not be able to shut my brain down enough to go to sleep.  Or if I did I’d wake up in the middle of the night, my heart racing, suddenly panicked and afraid to go back to sleep, afraid to sit up in the dark.

The Klonopin staves off the heart racing panic attacks, day or night. It seems to help with the racing thoughts at night as well, the horror loops of all the bad things my imagination can conjure. But even on the night I haven’t taken the Klonopin, I find I fall asleep easily (for me anyway) and wake more alert and coherent.  The Zoloft does make me feel strange during the day still, but I think maybe it is already helping me sleep at night?

As it happens for the last week or so, the only thing that’s been waking me up at night is Hawthorn coughing, or snoring, or tossing about in bed. And now he’s on the the other side of the house.  So I slept soundly.

The entire Hawthorn situation is distressing and confusing. I feel like every bit of clarification I try to get on what he wants leaves me more mystified. For now I will enjoy my sleep.  I’ll call it healing sleep and revel in it. And as long as he remains tender and comforting when we are together, I will try not fret about any of it needlessly.  But then, isn’t that the whole point of trying to get better? Not fretting needlessly?

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